Biden Unveils Great Replacement Measures
June 18: Deportation protections … Rural hospitals … Norcross indicted … Moore drug pardons …
If TFN makes unbearable news bearable, please consider becoming a paid subscriber.
After years of denying trying to replace white people, the soon-to-be-not-White House will drop the pretense today and announce new measures to hasten what the MAGA right refers to as the Great Replacement.
Pres. Joe Biden will announce sweeping immigration changes to end the fear of deportation for about half a million people here, and create pathways to citizenship so that immigrants can replace the suicidal white folk who have enacted decades of policies apparently intended at eliminating themselves, leaving Democrats no choice but to replace them.
Biden is expected (by me, facetiously) to explain that the Great Replacement has been made necessary due to a number of factors impairing the ability of Americans to replace themselves.
For decades, right-wing policies have made it more difficult to start a family, so fewer people have been doing it. Union-busting has depressed both wages and the people who like unions. Deregulation frees rich people to take money from non-rich people and to poison the environment in which kids are supposed to breathe, all of which make it tougher to make families.
And where economic policies aren’t sufficient to discourage American reproduction, right-wing policies have stepped up by killing people off literally. Starvation, malnutrition, denial of medical care, poor education, science denial, vaccine rejection, and guns have all contributed to a population gap and stalled life-expectancy.
In addition to the actual fatalities caused by right-wing, libertarian, anarchist, death-worshiping laws, America has also suffered the staggering loss of millions of fictional lives claimed by the Great Fictional Crime Waves that consume the nation any time a Democratic president takes the oath of office. The fictional bloodshed caused by Antifa and Black Lives Matter went unanswered by then-Pres. Donald Trump for some reason possibly related to its non-existence, and has gotten exponentially pretendily worse under the Biden crime cartel.
Because Democrats have embraced Republican economic theories that demand constant productivity growth, the bodies required to provide the labor that fuels that growth have to come from somewhere. Hence, the Great Replacement.
So, today Biden will announce several changes to ensure that the slavering beast we call Corporate America neveres go unfed. The changes largely apply to undocumented immigrants who have been here a long time and yet somehow don’t belong to violent drug gangs.
As many as half a million undocumented immigrants who’ve been here for at least ten years as of yesterday, and are married to U.S. citizens, will be able to apply for permanent residency, and then citizenship, and then will have to file appropriate federal forms to identify which specific white person they’d like to replace. A list of sad, self-obsessed white dudes ripe for replacement is already available on demand on right-wing media.
Biden will roll out the program at an event to celebrate the so-called DREAMers, people who were brought here as kids and granted protection from deportation under then-Pres. Barack Obama so that they could grow up without fear of exile and eventually take over as host of The Tucker Carlson Show.
Today’s Great Replacement measures will include facilitating work visas for DREAMers that offer them more protection against deportation than their current work permits do, especially given the legal challenges against those permits.
The Congressional Hispanic Caucus has been pushing Biden to protect undocumented spouses of citizens. Caucus Chair Rep. Nanette Barragán (D-CA) yesterday predicted today’s announcement would lead to “tears of joy paired with some sighs of relief.” That’s in addition to MAGA tears of sorrow paired with some sighs of hate-masturbation by sad white boys who not only make it hard generally to have kids, but make it impossible for women to want to procreate with them, specifically.
The new Biden policies will not oblige anyone to stop being pissed that he’s restricted access to asylum for people seeking asylum from the consequences of U.S. policy which makes it harder to have kids in their countries.
Here’s How Hard It Is to Have Kids in America, Because Murka.
One out of four rural hospitals stopped providing obstetric services between 2011 and 2021, and not because Americans are choosing organic, locally-sourced, free-range, artisanal births.
The reason, according to a new study, is that Americans aren’t replacing themselves, and right-wing policies are making it harder to do so (remember that? from the previous story? it’s all connected!)
Specifically, hospitals can’t afford to keep obstetric services because fewer rural Americans are having rural babies and because fewer federal dollars are funding rural obstetric services. The closures are part of a much larger shift, in which for-profit hospitals are focusing on communities with the resources to address an epidemic of profitable medical crises such as normal-sized penises and normal-looking lips.
Senate Finance Chair Ron Wyden (D-OR) yesterday announced a new bill to help rural hospitals by boosting their obstetric funding. The bill is expected to fail, because the House is controlled by pro-life, pro-family Christians.
New Jersey Political Boss Finally Actually Indicted After Forever
To show how innocent he is of intimidating his political and business foes, New Jersey political boss George Norcross showed up at the press conference announcing his indictment yesterday and sat in the first row, glaring at the attorney general with eyes that said, “If you even think of suggesting I would ever do anything criminal, I will cut out and eat your family’s still-beating hearts in the most brutally metaphorical way imaginable.”
Norcross, whose résumé says he’s an insurance broker, was indicted yesterday on 13 counts, including racketeering. Attorney General (D-NJ) Matt Platkin said that for 12 years, Norcross ran a sprawling criminal enterprise under the nom de crime of The New Jersey Democratic Party™.
Norcross pushed government programs and spending that he and his cronies could then siphon off for themselves, further disenfranchising the disenfranchised communities that were supposed to have gotten that help. And I don’t even have to say “allegedly,” because the only part that’s only alleged is whether it was criminal.
Platkin said that Norcross had done damage to poor and struggling communities, “especially — especially — to the city of Camden.” So next time you hear about Big Government failing to help an impoverished community, keep in mind that the community and Big Government might actually be getting ripped off to help some rich asshole become richer and assholier.
Also charged are Norcross’s lobbyist brother, Norcross’s lawyer, the former mayor of Camden, two business “leaders,” and, last week, two South Jersey Transportation Authority Board members who allegedly thought their job was to punish Norcross’s enemies. Not charged is Rep. Donald Norcross (D-NJ), who attained his position solely through merit and is totally innocent of all the crime things that only his two brothers and half the state Democratic Party but not Donald Norcross did.
The indictment gives examples of Norcross and his allies using political and other leverage to pressure people to do what they wanted. The Newark Star Ledger even offers up the story of a gubernatorial advisor who norcrossed Norcross in a disagreement over land in Camden…and then — apparently distraught over his utter lack of gambling debt, drug problems, or history of violence — ended his happy marriage of 47 years by stabbing his wife to death, set fire to their home, and killed himself by stabbing himself in the neck. As everyone knows, you do not wanna go up against the wrong insurance broker.
When we hear Democrats pine for a functional opposition party, this is why. One-party control breeds Norcrosses. (See: Menendez, Bob.)
The good news, in addition to all of that already-good news, is that nature abhors a corrupt vacuum. And some state Democrats have been pushing for change, including eliminating the monopolistic ballot layout the state party has used to block challengers.
“2024 is going to go down as the most significant change that New Jersey has ever seen for its electoral and political process,” Jersey City Mayor Steven Fulop told Politico, which has lots of great detail and a sense of just how fucked up New Jersey has been under what Platkin calls “the Norcross enterprise.”
Crime Watch
THE WAR ON THE WAR ON DRUGS Gov. Wes Moore (D-MD) pardoned 100,000 people yesterday. They were all convicted on low-level marijuana charges.
It’s said to be the largest wholesale weed amnesty by any governor ever, but hundreds of thousands have also been pardoned over the years in nine separate states and many cities. Almost all of which now reek of weed.
Pres. Joe Biden in 2022 pardoned 6,500 people who had federal weed convictions.
Moore’s pardons were timed to coincide with the Juneteenth holiday, as weed convictions are disproportionately and racistly pursued against people of color. Moore is the only Black governor in the U.S.
Many of those pardoned are not in jail, but will have the charges expunged from their record, improving their changes of getting jobs and/or housing, which are disproportionately and racistly denied to people with criminal records, who are disproportionately and racistly people of color.
Campaign Watch
GEORGIA The Republican primary runoff is today, and the winner will face and probably lose to incumbent Rep. Sanford Bishop (D-GA). And one of the GOP candidates is apparently very bad at being where he’s supposed to be.
On Jan. 6, 2021, construction worker Chuck Hand (no relation to Invisible) was not supposed to be in the U.S. Capitol. And yet there he was, in the building without proper documentation. An illegal tourist, or just an illegal, for short.
And then, at the June 9 GOP debate, Hand was supposed to be on stage. But after being asked his first question, Hand left the stage. Why? Smart reasons! He said later he was pissed about shit that was said about his wife, also an illegal, by a candidate who wasn’t even in the debate. Smart reasons!
INDIANA Even Indiana Republicans don’t trust the judgment of Sen. Mike Braun (R-IN) and former Pres. Donald Trump. Braun is running for governor, but party delegates choose the running mate, the lieutenant governor candidate.
On Thursday, Trump endorsed Braun’s choice. On Saturday, at the state Republican Party convention, delegates rejected Braun’s and Trump’s choice.
Indiana, meet your new Republican lieutenant governor candidate, District Attorney Judge state Rep. state Sen. someone with government experience Pastor Micah Beckwith!
Republican delegates chose Beckwith because the candidate favored by Braun and Trump wasn’t conservative enough. In fact, Beckwith is so conservative that God talks to him directly, using his first name because they’re thatclose. Here’s what God said to Beckwith Micah on Jan. 7, 2021:
“Micah, I sent those riots to Washington. What you saw yesterday was my hand at work.”
Weirdly, God did not say the same thing to all of America, which would have cleared up a lot of confusion. Braun is so intent on making sure voters don’t tie him to his running mate that his campaign message is now “Remember: I’m going to be the governor.” Well, maybe!
VIRGINIA After fighting for the right of individual white, Christian Americans to do whatever they want and not compromise with anyone and declare anyone who won’t give in to you a blood enemy controlled by Satan, Rep. Bob Good (R-VA) is facing the consequences today.
Good chairs the House Freedom Caucus, so you’d think he’d be endorsed by former Pres. Donald Trump. But Good did the unthinkable. No, not support single-payer health care; he endorsed Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) for president!
So of course Trump is paying Good back by endorsing his challenger in today’s primary, rookie state Sen. John McGuire. Trump said that Good is “bad for Virginia,” inspiring the rebuttal slogan, “No, actually, I’m Good for Virginia! Get it?!?”
A Good defeat would not only be a good defeat, it would be the first for a Freedom Caucus chair, Politico notes. It’s also a sign of what Politico calls the “increasingly fractious” nature of the caucus, which was formed so that people who worship individualism could work together.
PRESIDENTIAL TALKING I know we can’t resist talking about gaffes and alleged gaffes and alleged-gaffe policing and coverage of alleged-gaffe policing, but boy there’s so much more important shit to talk about. So, it pains me to indulge, but dammit the SEO demands it!
So apparently former Pres. Barack Obama got Pres. Joe Biden off stage at some thing and the right lost its mind claiming Biden thought he was on Jupiter or some shit and then the left lost its mind, saying, look at the whole video Biden’s obviously fine and then we got the whatabouts pointing out that former Pres. Donald Trump referred to his former doctor Ronny Jackson as “Ronny Johnson” so obviously Trump’s brain has turned to aspic.
And I hate myself just talking about this shit because it degrades our discourse and when we engage in it we vindicate every single media decision not to focus on substance, which is bad.
But also, both sides discredit themselves flinging shit they’d obviously discredit if it were flung by the other side. If Biden fucked up one syllable of a name, we’d all rush to point out that he cited the correct office and state for the man (as Trump did!), and that he literally only got part of a syllable wrong — “ohn” instead of “ack.” But if we’d defend Biden, we should apply the same logic to Trump when he does it.
Mostly we should just ignore this shit, but if we are going to wallow in it, demonstrating fairness and equal standards for both sides is key to reeling in independents and redeeming redeemable MAGA.
Also, none of this shit actually means Trump forgot who he was talking about. Memory and cognition and speech are weird, glitchy things.
Screwing them up could mean age, but as I wrote shortly after Biden’s home-run state of the union speech, the age/competence issue was going to come up again, and it’s worth keeping this shit in mind. And preferably ignoring the topic altogether!
TCB
FEEDBACK Thanks for all your feedback on my recent questions about stuff, and I will respond! I’m contemplating a few changes that I think should make everyone happier and boost signups and retention without cheesing anyone off. Like a miracle.
WAIT, DON’T GO Thinking of unsubscribing? Could you drop me a note letting me know why? TFN has a pretty low unsubscribe rate, but as a journalist I am of course always interested in criticism, even (especially) if it’s only coming from <1%!
I’m also curious whether people would be interested in subscribing just to the newsletter or just to my original reporting. Again, please let me know. And God love you maximalist Newsfuckers who love both, but I’m looking to find out whether there are folks who subscribed just for the original reporting and would like an option that includes that but not the newsletter (or vice versa).
ONE-TIME DONATIONS! A loyal and generous Newsfucker alerted me yesterday that the new one-time-donation button is fucked. The TFN Information Technology Team kicked the tires on it and it seems okay to us. But please let me know the details if anyone hits a glitch. Thank you!
SOCIALS Come say hi on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Bluesky, Mastodon, Spoutible, and/or Threads. I will say hi back!
Go get ‘em, kids…!
I like BOTH. Many thanks 🙏🏼
I thought this whole article was a scream and a half! And sorry, but after the past 8 years I think all Republicans ARE bad. More specifically, either completely ignorant/misinformed or they understand alright, they’re just fucking traitors. (Just my opinion.)