Just Kiss His Needy Ass Already

To minimize the damage, it's time to try something new

Editor’s Note: I’m posting this despite my very real fears of backlash and cancelations. I only take the risk of posting this because it’s so important that we identify effective ways of moving forward. This isn’t about being on Trump’s side, it’s about tactics for mitigating the harm he will do. We have to have these discussions to figure out what works. So before you hit UNSUBSCRIBE in righteous outrage or appropriate self-care, I hope you’ll at least hear me out. Thank you.

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A top goal for the next four exhausting years is simply harm reduction.

Some of us lie in the direct path that storm trackers have drawn on the national map with a Sharpie for some reason.1 The mission for the rest of us is to minimize the harm done to them.

And your otherwise presumptuous Fucking News will not presume to tell those in the crosshairs how to resist. Women wanna stop having sex with men? I never understood why you did it in the first place, so have at it stop having at it.

Latino Trump voters want to hold a motorcade protest because rePresident Donald Trump’s deportation recruiters are pulling them over, too? My Prius is there, baby. At the drag-performer riot I’ll be the one in the red beehive. (Okay, one of the ones.)

It took me a long time to write this because I’m trying to honor the people Donald Trump targets and those moved to stand up to him. The goal of this post is better outcomes for them.

Demonizing Trump and assuming his worst motives didn’t work. Yes, keep challenging his policies in the states and in court. But this post is about how Democratic leaders can get better policies from him in the first place.

Look at it from Trump’s point of view (I know, gross). George W. Fucking Bush got the Supreme Court to steal the presidency for him and then passed off an entire war as an oopsy-doodle but still gets to hang out with Ellen and Michelle.

No wonder Trump takes it personally and governs out of pique.

So what is an effective way to protect drag artists, LGBTQ+ people, immigrants, people of color, women, America, and the planet?

Consider what Trump and President-elect Trump and Vice President-elect JD “I can’t believe I have less than two years of government experience” Vance aren’t moveable on, because of their core principles: Nothing.

Good news! They have no core principles. Consider their exciting journeys across the landscape of American ideologies:

Trump

On Baby-killing
Trump was pro-choice, then he wasn’t, then he appointed Supreme Court judges handpicked by foes of reproductive rights, then he came out against total abortion bans, and then he both supported and opposed Florida’s six-week ban. Trump is pro-choice about his freedom to choose what the fuck he believes about baby-killing on any given day depending on how it affects him personally.

On Partying
These are the parties to which Trump has belonged:

• 1987 - Republican2

• 1999 - Independence

• 2001 - Democratic

• 2009 - Republican

• 2011 - None

• 2012 - Republican

Vance

On Iraq
Enlisted in the Marines, then wrote pro-war propaganda as a military propagandist, then opposed the war.

On Jesus
Born atheist (like everyone), raised evangelical Protestant, believed in The Rapture and The Antichrist even though they’re not actually in The Bible, returned to atheism, decided Catholics make more money, then volcanically shat on Protestants.

On Trump

• 2016 - “A cynical asshole like Nixon who wouldn’t be that bad (and might even prove useful) or that he’s America’s Hitler.” … “Reprehensible.” … “What an idiot.”

• 2021 - “I regret being wrong about the guy.” … “A good president … [who] made a lot of good decisions for people.”

• 2024 - “A great president.”

• 2028 - “Lock him up.”

Hell, TFN did The Vance Files this summer about the lawn bag of dried leaves and dog shit and broken glass that Vance calls a brain, utterly unburdened by a single lodestone of principle about anything.

You may have missed it, but Trump actually jettisoned Project 2025, his most ardent fan base, when it looked like they were hurting him.

If you still think making nice with Trump is an insane strategy, consider who’s already trying it. And, no, I’m not just referring to last night’s cold open on Saturday Night Live.

I’m talking about the continent everyone said they’re moving to.

Surrender Monkeys

I know, I know: France is surrendering, whoda thunk it?!?

But it’s not just France, it’s a lot of Europe.

UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer apparently so charmed Trump at a dinner last month that Trump said, “We are friends.” Even Ukraine is making nice.

In fairness, there is some testimony against this tactic, but it might be more of a nuance.

Former Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull told the Times it was a “misapprehension” to believe that “the best way to deal with him was to suck up to him.” So what is the best way?

“He’s highly transactional. You’ve got to be able to demonstrate that a particular course of action is in his interest.”

To Turnbull’s point, Ukraine and its U.S. allies are brainstorming how the U.S. can aid Ukraine without Trump feeling like he’s giving candy away on Halloween, which he would never do. One possibility: Lend-lease funding rather than just writing checks.

That’s what we’re talking about. If you show Trump how he benefits, you just might move him. If you act like his enemy, Trump will see you that way.

But sure enough, Democrats are already reverting to the failure playbook, “holding Trump’s Republican Party accountable for the harms it will inflict on the American people,” said Rosemary Boeglin, a spokesperson for the Democratic National Committee.

The Resistance has pounced on every clue that might finally convince America Trump is bad. Maybe it’s worth focusing instead on elevating policies that aren’t politicized or can be depoliticized to clear a path for Trump to support them.

It’s easy to imagine pulling this off, especially in areas where Trump hasn’t dug in his heels.

Take criminal-justice reform. He literally already did that, and regretted it because no one cared. How about vaccines? He still complains that his base hates them. He wants his policies to be popular and celebrated.

Democrats could helpfully alert Trump tomorrow that he can bring down inflation and avert a global economic crash by closing one tiny loophole — and blame Biden in the process. (Just don’t mention that I blamed Trump for it back in 2022.)

Democrats could frame it as a way to spank the Wall Street bros who looked down on him when he was a vulgar poseur from Queens. Give Trump good enemies!

Likewise, utilize Trump’s allies.

Take Elon Musk [ha ha].

Musk-bashing is a favorite sport of the left and, yes, of TFN (see here and here and here).

But Musk is still an advocate for fighting climate change! And since Musk climbed on board the Trump Express, Trump has softened on electric vehicles, among other things.

There’s a non-ridiculous universe in which Trump becomes a champion against climate change. Musk has some stupid positions on climate change — don’t judge him too harshly, he’s doing the best he can with a billionaire brain — but he’s still for shifting to renewables (and nuclear). And still trying to move Trump that way.

Democrats wouldn’t be alone “helping” Trump not to be a roaring asshole.

It’s not just Europe selling out. Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas was one of the first to congratulate Trump on his victory.

Tiffany Trump’s Lebanese-American father-in-law liaised between them. So did Palestinian-American Trump donor Bishara Bahbah.

After the election, Abbas wrote to Trump assuring him that Palestinian officials “look forward to engaging with you to work toward peace, security and prosperity for our region,” the New York Times reported.

What a kiss-ass!

Exactly.

But Abbas got a phone call with Trump and they discussed possibly meeting in person.

Now, is there any evidence Trump isn’t fully committed to destroying Democrats and democracy and the Demos think tank and music demos?

Halfway through writing this I took a break to scratch my Twitter itch. And saw this:

Trump wants people to see him on everyone’s side. He wants unity.

He’s the insecure kid who’ll mess up the game if the other kids don’t let him be in charge.

Giving that to Trump isn’t giving in to him. It’s playing him, because then we still have the game. It’s a long con, for sure. And it might sting that he doesn’t know it, but you can tell him in 2029, after the inauguration of President Walz. Or President Ocasio-Cortez.

We can either drive him to play with his Israeli friend, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, or we can tell Trump he can be in charge of everyone and the way to win Gaza is to stop the killing.

Whether it’s Palestinians or North Koreans, Trump doesn’t see bad guys. He’s like a T. Rex…he only sees movement against him.

Winning on policy doesn’t require that Trump loses. If Trump can be trained to see progressive policies as Trump victories, it’s literally win-win. The only loss will be to our dignity and self-righteousness.

There’s no Trump successor, so we can make it for four years, build a movement, break the cycle that keeps penduluming us between Republican upfucking and Democratic upcleaning, and fix the culture that perpetuates it.

This, my traumatized Newsfuckers, is the towering task the universe asks of us: Not treating Trump like a loathsome, hateful monster.

No one has to forget he’s an adjudicated rapist or a convicted criminal but if playing along with him positions us to make these four years better — especially for the people at his speartip — that seems worth trying.

That painful sacrifice of our moral righteousness — so much worse than any Civil War amputation or WWII Bataan Death March — will achieve real good, prevent some measure of harm, and at long last give our generation the chance to be, yes, the Greatest Generation.

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