Trump Loses in Competition Against Biological Woman
In contest with Maine's governor over transgender student athletes, Trump fell flat on his face despite upper-body strength
May 5: Team Trump agrees not to steal school-lunch money in Maine … Israel done pretending, decides to just take all of Gaza … Trump tariffing movies now in case Wall St. thought it was safe to go back in the foreign water … Newark Airport fucked …
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In a national competition on Friday, Pres. Donald Trump was soundly beaten by a woman equipped with boobs, a vagina, less upper-body strength, more experience, better developed brain muscles, and not even one penis.
Trump’s showdown with Gov. Janet Mills (D-ME) had been in the works since a horrifying/embarrassing display by Trump of trash talk at a national meet back in February.
You may recall that at a White House event for governors, Trump asked whether Maine would comply with his new dick edict ordering schools not to let transgender girls participate in girls’ sports. Mills responded that Maine would follow the law, which Trump then claimed was he. Or “we,” actually.
“We are the federal law,” Trump said, transitioning from male to legislation.
Mills refused to respect Trump’s preferred legislative pronouns of law/legal, and said she would follow Maine and federal law, which prohibit Trump’s transgender ban. That led to this insane exchange:
Trump: “You better do it, because you're not going to get any federal funding at all if you don't.”
Mills: “See you in court.” [Followed by total silence from craven other governors in the room.]
Then U.S. Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins froze $3 million in federal funds for a Maine program that feeds school lunches to 172,000 kids. You heard me.
It wasn’t enough for Trump to bully a woman in public. In case anyone wasn’t clear on the whole bullying thing, when she wouldn’t back down, he literally threatened to steal her lunch money.
(Sorry, Rollins’s great-grandchildren feel-ingesting this information via brain chip in 2108, but it’s true. Great-nana did a horrible, horrible thing in addition to whatever horrible things she’s still going to do. So, yes, this is the toxic sludge in your DNA. History will never forget great-nana’s cruelty, but I know you can overcome it because genetics isn’t destiny.)
Newsfuckers, the legal battle didn’t even make it to trial.
Friday’s settlement shows that the only thing Maine didn’t get in the agreement was Trump covering their legal fees. Despite Trump’s attempt to starve 172,000 kids so that school athletes will look the way he wants them to, the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture agreed — without even putting up a fight in court — to “refrain from freezing, terminating or otherwise interfering with” Maine’s federal school-lunch funding.
State Attorney General Aaron Frey, who represented Maine in the Trump-asskicking contest, told Maine Public that the Trump administration fucked up its extortion attempt (I paraphrase): “They were so quick to send this nastygram that they didn't even take time to look at the regulations that they're supposed to be complying with, or Title IX, which is what they were saying they were enforcing.” In other words, Team Trump fucked up. Shocking, I know.
Mills said on Friday, “These bullying tactics, we will not tolerate them." A former attorney general herself, Mills warned that, “Nobody in this country should tolerate them. You don't appease bullies. They never stop.”
HILARIOUS ALT COVERAGE Searching for reporting on this, I came across Fox’s writeup. Newsfuckers, it’s hilarious.
The headline puts Trump’s loss at the end. The big news for Fox? Maine has agreed to drop its suit, like weak little losers (who in reality-land obviously dropped their suit because they won). Fox both buried and passive-tensed the Trump/Rollins cave:
The article itself also worked its ass off to mask Trump’s total defeat: “In exchange for the U.S. Department of Agriculture agreeing to restore federal funds to Maine that it had frozen, the state dropped its lawsuit against the Trump administration over that issue.”
This is like saying, “In exchange for his victim giving him their money, the mugger agreed to depart.” It’s like saying, “After the jury convicted the defendant, the prosecutor agreed to stop prosecuting.” Win-win, people!
In short, Newsfuckers, somehow a 77-year-old lady person was allowed to compete with the world’s most powerful ostensible man, she kicked his ass, and then Fox gave the loser…a participation trophy.
Israel Done Fucking Around, Just Gonna Straight-Up Take All of Gaza Even Though That’s Where Trump Was Gonna Build Hotels
Israeli cabinet ministers decided this morning that things are going so well in Gaza, they’re gonna stop with the foreplay and just take over the whole thing. By killing more people.
Oh, and displacing the entire population via “voluntary emigration,” the marketing department’s new brand name for ethnic cleansing.
Recent casualties in Gaza include the cease-fire negotiated by the Manhattan real-estate developer who’s now a diplomat because America made Donald Trump the actual president. Israel resumed blocking humanitarian aid from going into Gaza a couple months ago, so the humanitarian crisis there is now at its worst point, and that’s compared to 19 previous months of being a humanitarian crisis.
Trump has also proposed ethnically cleansing Gaza. In contrast to Israel’s goals of rescuing remaining hostages and destroying Hamas by killing so many people that statistically it’ll be unlikely that Hamas is still around, Trump’s reason for ethnically cleansing Gaza is to restore peace and establish a Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville, Sandals Gaza, and Six Flags Rafah.
Fun fact: Ethnic cleansing isn’t just a crime, it’s the coolest kind of crime — war!
ALSO Remember how Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth made the Middle East safe forever by bombing Houthis in Yemen on March 15? How could you miss that, it was all over Signal! Anyway, the Houthis just landed a missile at Tel Aviv’s airport, injuring four people.
EVEN HEGSETHIER As TFN flagged last week, one recent U.S. attack in Yemen appears to have killed 68 migrants traveling from Africa to Saudi Arabia for work. Drop Site News reports the Pentagon in its ongoing bombing campaign there may be getting some of its targeting data from…Twitter.
Fresh Out of Things to Tariff, Trump Invents Tariff on Movies
Pres. Donald Trump last night decided he’s going to put a 100% tariff on movies, even though no one knows what the fuck that means. Here’s what he “wrote” last night, presumably after learning that Crocodile Dundee was partially shot in Australia:
Other Countries are offering all sorts of incentives to draw our filmmakers and studios away from the United States. Hollywood, and many other areas within the U.S.A., are being devastated. This is a concerted effort [sic] by other Nations and, therefore, a National Security threat [sic]. It is, in addition to everything else, messaging and propaganda! Therefore, I am authorizing the Department of Commerce, and the United States Trade Representative, to immediately begin the process of instituting a 100% Tariff on any and all Movies coming into our Country that are produced in Foreign Lands.
You may be asking, what the fuck is he talking about? Other than war with Studio Ghibli. Well, ya know how Trump wants to lower taxes so that businesses will invest here? Turns out, other countries do that, too, only when they do it it’s a National Security™ threat.
Trump seems to think that Hollywood is being forced to shoot outside the U.S., presumably saving them money. So he’ll — I guess? — force ticket-buyers to pay more…except the tariff revenue from that will go to the government…and this will somehow lead to more U.S. shoots?
The One problem with this is that all movies cost the same. Maybe Trump doesn’t take Melania to the movies a whole lot — Dude, you gotta see Sinners! — but tickets cost the same no matter what movie you see. In related news, movies are not sneakers!
Not to mention — can you imagine the logistical/administrative nightmare on Elm Street? Like, what if a U.S.-shot movie uses a U.S. CGI company and one staffer does some of that work while on vacation in North Korea?
What about movies set in other countries? Lawrence of Alabama? Murder on the Acela? The Little Italy Job? The Freedom Connection? A Passage to Indiana? My Big Fat Mar-a-Lago Wedding? (Can we at least keep From Russia with Love…?)
And does this affect made-for-whatever-TV-is-now movies, too? Streamers and cable and broadcast? Because in that case, studios will just stop making movies and switch to one-episode series, each consisting of just one, two-hour, Very Special Episode.
And what about TV shows? Shit, now he’s gonna tariff TV shows. Sorry!
Dems to Immigration Czar: Come at Me, Bro
If you missed it, your Saturday TFN Extra chronicled the cases of two Democrats on Friday telling the federal government they won’t back down on immigration.
White House immigration guy Tom Homan had made poorly veiled threats against both Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) and Gov. Tony Evers (D-WI) — suggesting he’d have them arrested for, respectively, informing immigrants of their rights and state employees of procedure to follow if ICE comes knocking/door-knocking-down.
You can read the details for yourself, including Ocasio-Cortez’s unabashed bad-ass “Come for me,” but I want to flag an important point I might not have underscored with sufficient point size on Saturday.
In both cases, Homan was responding not to Ocasio-Cortez or Evers directly, or even to their words, but to media characterizations of what the two had said and done. And both characterizations were exaggerated and/or misstated and/or incompetently fucking jack-fucked to all the fucking fuckery produced by Fuckville’s famous upfucking industry.
In other words, Homan escalated inappropriately to false escalations. And the last fucking thing we need right now in this country is our shitty media playing the role of “Let’s you and him fight.”
Six Quickies
So, the slow-motion collapse of the federal airways accelerated a bit last week. Too alarmist? Well, Newark air-traffic controllers walked off the job protesting staffing shortages on Friday, leading to hundreds of flight delays and cancellations (and who knows how many lives saved). Even corporate media sounded more alarmist than your calm-keeping, on-carrying TFN. MSNBC Correspondent Tom Costello reportedly said an air traffic controller warned against flying out of Newark: “He said: ‘It is not safe. It is not a safe situation right now for the flying public,’ … and separately: ‘Don’t fly into Newark. Avoid Newark at all costs.’” Me, I don’t see how anyone can worry with the steady hand of a former reality-TV star at the helm of the Federal Aviation Administration.
Yes, I saw Pres. Donald Trump saying he doesn’t know whether he’ll uphold the Constitution. No, I don’t think it’s a big deal. Yes, I realize he—I know. Okay, yeah, but—I know. Can I finish?!? Look, of course it’s bad. A president’s autonomic response must be “Yes, absolutely.” But in the full exchange, it seemed to me that he was responding in the context of questioning about not denying due process1. He said he defers to the Justice Department, which in some ways is a good answer (and in some ways is a Pam Bondi answer). What I don’t think it is, is a sweeping power-grab, if only because us telling people that might make them think the fight is over. It ain’t. Besides, he also said this…
Trump yesterday suggested he might actually honor the constitutional two-term limit on presidents. “It’s something that, to the best of my knowledge, you’re not allowed to do. I don’t know if that’s constitutional that they’re not allowing you to do it,” he literally said, asking whether a constitutional amendment is, uh, constitutional. But the alternative might be worse. Asked about a successor, he said, “I do have a vice president, and typically — and JD’s doing a fantastic job.” He also named Secretary of State Marco Rubio as “great.” Trump has previously called Rubio “totally owned” by lobbyists, “dishonest,” “choker,” “lightweight,” and “Mr. Meltdown.” So maybe not president, but still: Vance/Meltdown 2028!
If you’re wondering why TFN hasn’t mentioned a ton about the Republican “big, beautiful bill” to enact most elements — especially economic — of Pres. Donald Trump’s agenda, I have a reason. They have yet to get their shit together into anything resembling big, let alone beautiful. Even amongst themselves, Politico reports, House Republicans can’t agree and can’t resist sticking their metaphorical weenies into that sweet, seductive, draft legislation. Your eye-keeping TFN is keeping an eye on it, of course.
Your too-long-taking TFN finally got around to wrapping up its series diving into last month’s Democratic “war-plan” speech by Sen. Elissa Slotkin (D-MI). In the third and final (you’re welcome) installment, your media-critting TFN critted the media with great vengeance and furious anger for elevating centrists like Slotkin while diminishing and sneering at Democrats who (a) actually fight and (b) push for big change that will make real differences and that the vast majority of people approve of.2
Almost forgot, in yet another TFN Bonus Story, your unearthing TFN unearthed some wild evidence about Pres. Donald Trump’s ability to predict shit such as, just wait, tariffs will work eventually. Turns out, I was scouring an old book of “his” to see whether he said anything about tariffs. Not much, but he did make some sweeping predictions about what would happen if Pres. Barack Obama were re-elected. Which he were. So I tallied up how those predictions turned out. Fun times.
Recommended Reading
Antonia Scatton over at the Reframing America Substack gives us ten reasons people really do have the power. Specifically, IRL, flesh-and-blood, face-having people.
It’s about the mostly untapped power — which you, too, can tap! — of real-world engagement with other people. It may seem So 20th Century, and even weird, to contemplate going out into the world and dealing with other people, but there’s a lot to be gained politically, globally, and even selfishly! Check it out.
TCB
ICYMI First your ravenous TFN ate White House tariff czar Peter Navarro’s imported lunch on the Substack Leaderboard. Now we’ve just topped Libs of TikTok — truly one of the worst, most vile and unprincipled spreaders of toxic, divisive, shitty bullshit.
You did that, Newsfuckers. Even with corporate-media bigshots bigfooting their way into Substack, TFN is still growing. And as long as Newsfuckers like you — so hard-core that you’re literally still reading this right now! — continue upgrading to paid subscriptions at your current rate, we’re gonna keep growing and rising, and achieve financial sustainability by the end of this year, which means we can keep being here for you every weekday morning. (And a fair chunk of the weekends, too!) Thank you.
ELECTIONS
June 10 — New Jersey Democratic gubernatorial primary.
TAKING ACTION
Today-The Second Coming: Tesla boycott.
Target boycott: The boycott is back on until Target reverses course on DEI and Black-owned suppliers.
Boycott El Salvador products (you can find a list of potential products here) (h/t).
Sept. 21: Climate-action events for Sun Day.
The unknown future: Find upcoming events near you here. (h/t)
RESOURCES
Mental reassurance that at least lawyers are fighting back on fill-in-the-blank.
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Go get ‘em, kids! Or, if you’re Tom Homan, come at me, bro!
TFN creator and writer Jonathan Larsen co-created Up w/ Chris Hayes and wrote for Countdown with Keith Olbermann at MSNBC, helped launch CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360° and Air America Radio, and has also worked at The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and The Young Turks.
And due process isn’t always cut-and-dried. A big part of the right’s argument against the regulatory regimen is that agencies deny the accused due process. I’m not sure they have a good case, but the point is just that what “due process” means depends a lot on who’s asking about it and in what context.
VERY heartfelt thanks to fellow Substacker and journalist Robert Leonard, who wrote, “This is such a powerful piece of reporting. TFN brings it day in and day out like no one else. This rocked my perception of Slotkin, for sure. But of course it did—TFN isn’t corporate media, and I’m so over Politico normalizing bullshit on the left and the right. Thanks, TFN and Jonathon Larson. Please consider subscribing to both Substacks.” Thank you, Robert!
Today Libs of Tik Tok, tomorrow(ish) Ann Coulter (#87).
Kind of you to leave a note for Brooke Rollins' descendants. I wouldn't be so charitable.
You're a good person, Jonathan.