Trump's DOJ Lawyers Say Fuck This Shit
Attorneys tasked with defending Trump's policies are choosing to fuck that shit instead
Aug. 15: Bloomberg uncovers “mass departures” at the Department of Justice … Trump’s DC goons report hilariously low arrest numbers … You MUST see the stealthy new ICE-mobile for ICE subterfuge … Trumpflation spikes even harder than Trump said it wouldn’t …
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A growing number of Justice Department (DOJ) lawyers tasked with defending Pres. Donald Trump’s policies and bullshit in court are deciding, in brief, to fuck that shit; opting in case after case to fuck a wide range of Trump’s fucking bullshit.
A Bloomberg analysis of court filings and records reveals “mass departures” at the DOJ, with roughly one out of seven cases that involve defending or pushing administration policies having led to DOJ lawyers bailing in one way or another.
In the Federal Programs Branch — the office of more than 100 lawyers that takes lead on defending the executive branch and its stupid bullshit — more than half the lawyers have quit their jobs rather than defend Trump’s stupid bullshit.
The administration is fielding an unprecedented 450 cases challenging a wide range of Trump’s bullshit, horseshit, dogshit, ratshit, ratfucking, clusterfucking, around-fucking, and mind-fucking. And the lawyers Trump needs to defend against those challenges — who are sworn to uphold the law and act as officers of the court — are bailing.
Federal Programs Branch heroes who have given two weeks’ notice of their shit-fucking were working on cases ranging from immigration, Trump’s ban on transgender military members, unlawful ending of federal grants, to the rogue horde of tech-savvy libertarians known as the Dept. of Government Efficiency (DOGE).
In more than 30 cases involving immigration, DOJ lawyers have withdrawn, which means they opted to keep their jobs but still said fuck the specific shit of this particular immigration bullshit. The shit-for-brained Trump policies that DOJ lawyers are shit-fucking include: Trump’s bullshit attempt to kill the Constitution shit guaranteeing birthright citizenship, blocking refugees from coming into the country, and sending Venezuelan gang members (bullshit) to an El Salvador prison based on shit like tattoos and other
Attorney General Pam Bondi and her underlings have been pressuring further-underlings to betray their oaths and ethics and instead prioritize loyalty to whatever the fuck Trump wants at any given moment, such as not releasing The Epstein Files™.
And DOJ lawyers are responding — in brief but not legal briefs — fuck that shit. As Bloomberg reports:
In roughly one out of every seven cases, at least one of the government’s lawyers was reassigned, left the department or withdrew without stating their reasons…
And their rampant not-working is working. The quiet rebellion of shit-fucking is hampering Bondi’s ability to defend Trump’s indefensible bullshit.
DOJ lawyers have told courts they’re “overwhelmed” and have “competing litigation obligations” due to “multiple” departures. By TFN’s math, if one out of seven lawyers has bailed, the number that stayed but are now sabotaging or slow-walking Bondi’s bullshit works out to approximately more.
Lawyers have blamed the workload and lack of staff for failing to present more/better “evidence” in court. (It doesn’t help that there’s no evidence and the evidence they do present is bullshit.)
This being Trump, he’s making the situation worse for himself. Bloomberg reports that Bondi has gotten rid of “dozens” of the lawyers she now doesn’t have because they were insufficiently loyal to a man who’s disloyal to his oath. Also self-fucking himself was the ban on remote work and stupidionaire Elon Musk’s bright idea to make everyone put five things they did in a weekly email.
And the DOJ is firing lawyers they need for simple errors like telling the truth, like the lawyer who said Kilmar Abrego Garcia was sent to El Salvador by mistake. Pack your shit, non-liar lawyer! (That lawyer alleged in a whistleblower complaint that Bondi’s top deputies conspired to defy court orders and illegally withhold information from a court. No shit!)
One 18-year DOJ veteran, Stacey Young, left in January and started a DOJ alumni group. Young told Bloomberg people left because “They were asked to take positions they believed were illegal or unethical,” adding, “This number is considerably higher than most people realize.”
How are Trump and Bondi responding? By shifting work to U.S. attorney offices around the country — bringing in inexperienced lawyers and depleting resources intended to serve local communities. And they’re hiring a batch of new lawyers, who are also inexperienced and bad.
And it’s not just lawyers. Other recent staff losses include the DOJ paralegal who threw a Subway™ sandwich at one of Trump’s goons.
SUBWAY™ VIGILANTE WAS DOJ PARALEGAL (BUT NOW ISN’T) Sandwich-throwing hero Sean Dunn (who for many reasons actually shouldn’t have done that) was fired yesterday from his job as a — this is too good — paralegal in the DOJ.
More than that, the Dunn case is giving us our first confirmed look at an actual, individual, specific example of someone in the Deep State. Bondi said in a statement yesterday that, “This is an example of the Deep State we have been up against.”
Hear that, MAGA doofi? The Deep State you’ve been railing against consists not of high-ranking, cloak-and-dagger, Jewish-space-laser-shooting Illuminati and Freemasons, but 37-year-old, sandwich-flinging paralegals who can’t afford Le Pain Quotidiene. The weapon Dunn allegedly used has been identified by a bystander as fully automatic salami.
Remember, if you do support Dunn’s inevitable legal-defense fund, that you can footlong it at checkout.
Trump’s DC Crime Crackdown Hobbled by Reality and Himself
Pres. Donald Trump’s top law-enforcement official for Washington, DC, U.S. Attorney Jea(si)nine Pirro, revealed this week that his crackdown on plummeting crime is being hampered by on-crack downsizing in her office.
Who, you Newsfuckers might ask, downsized said office?
Pirro has yet to identify the perpetrator, even though he’d be easier to catch than the Subway™ vigilante. “Nobody seemed to care that we were down 90 lawyers, 60 investigators and paralegals,” Pirro said Tuesday.
In fact, someone did care. That someone was her predecessor, the guy who did it, Trump appointee Ed Martin. And why were they let go? For violating the personnel handbook, which expressly forbids prosecuting people who attack Congress in an attempt to seize power. Martin fired Jan. 6 prosecutors, so now the long arm of Trump’s law is short-handed.
Also not helping, the fact that Trump has only nominated one (1) Superior Court judge to fill roughly 151 open judgeships. Which means prosecutors are delayed getting court dates to take accused criminals off the streets. Because Trump.
Luckily, it doesn’t look like Trump’s federal goons are flooding the court system…
Trump’s Federal Goons Not Flooding Court System
The White House is ramping up the deployment of federal goons “policing” Washington, DC, and glamping up the risible results.
As TFN previously newsfucked, a federal checkpoint Wednesday night helped stem an epidemic of rampant broken-taillight-having and seatbelt-not-wearing. And we now have stats for Wednesday’s deployments, which look more like derployments.
The White House yesterday announced that some 1,600 federal goons were derployed throughout the city on Wednesday but especially in areas Trump drives through. How many arrests did they make? Forty-three. A number so low I can get away with typing it out in words.
And when we newsfuck the numbers, we get a goon-to-arrest ratio of 37:1. That’s right, for every 37 goons derployed, 36 didn’t arrest a single person. Put another way, that means, on average, each goon was responsible for only 0.027 arrests. Lookin’ at you, DOGE!
And what “crimes” were most of these 1/37 arrests for? Misdemeanors. Which misdemeanor specifically? Being an undocumented immigrant.
In other words, Trump’s goons are dedicating more than half of their 0.027 arrests to sweeping up people who otherwise weren’t doing anything unlawful. Which means fewer than 0.0135 arrests per goon was for an actual crime. And isn’t that the real crime?
ICE Gets Hilarious New ICE-Mobile
Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) is getting a massive fleet of new vehicles to catch unwitting undocumented immigrants flagrantly lowering America’s crime rate, raising new buildings, and boosting the economy.
The new ICE-Mobiles are strategically designed to let agents move through the population discreetly and sneak up on their targets, taking them by surprise because no one will see them coming in this:
The new ICE-Mobile will be derployed around the country after making its debut in Washington, DC, any day now — a nice complement to those protesters warning people about ICE checkpoints. A big-ass ICE logo should make warning people a lot easier. Which is why ICE agents are so pissed off.
The New York Post reports that ICE personnel are now worried for their personnel safety. “It’s like having a bullseye,” said one ICE source, referring to the car and not the skin color that makes ICE targets a bullseye.
Welcome to the club, ICE.
Dunno About Day One, But on Day 207 We Learned Inflation Is Soaring
Although President Donald Trump promised to bring down prices on day one, he did not. In fact, we learned yesterday, he’s so not bringing prices down that TFN is obliged to bring up that he’s bringing them up.
Wholesale prices of everything but food and energy jumped 0.9% last month. That’s three times the expected increase.
As CNBC helpfully and traitorously charted for us, the July spike in wholesale prices was bigger than anything seen in the post-Covid years, including last year’s presidential campaign during which Trump said inflation was personally murdering us:
It’s not clear yet who must be fired for releasing these numbers. It’s also not clear why Trump never tells us the statistics are rigged before the bad ones come out.
Of course, as your caveating TFN already caveated, those wholesale prices do not include food and energy. So how are those prices doing?
Well, a year ago this month, Trump lpromised that “We will be slashing energy and electricity prices by half within 12 months, at a maximum 18 months.” Tender Newsfucker, he was lying. He literally made it up cuz it sounded good and he understood that millions of Americans would believe him because they are deeply unserious.
Here in the present day, electricity bills for July were, on average, 5.5% higher than they were in July 2024, when our president was a demented senior citizen born in the 1600s. Trump, of course, is racing to undo Pres. Joe Biden’s spending on U.S. energy, including grids and power-generation from literally free sources like that star in the sky and air moving fast. And Trump is unleashing big tech companies to go full Galactus on America’s energy supply with power-draining AI server farms/planets.
I know, I know, Trump promised more oil drilling would lower prices. But here’s the thing, Big Oil won’t drill when prices are low.
And the number of active rigs and wells in Texas, our biggest oil state, is now the lowest it’s been since October 2021.
Shit, I almost forgot food. The price of fresh vegetables rose more last month than in any month post-Covid, as Axios helpfully and treasonously charted for us:
According to Axios, that’s the largest spike in veggie prices that America has seen in summertime — which is when veggies are so plentiful you can practically pick them right out of the ground! — since 1947.
Luckily for America, Trump has nominated an unqualified hack to fix these numbers. Once Trump has a loyalist running the Bureau of Labor Statistics, getting prices to go down will be as easy as this:
Look at that decline!
Four Quickies
A Wall Street indicator of trouble ahead started flashing red yesterday. Goldman Sachs advised its rich-people clients of an increased risk of a stock market correction, so their rich-people clients have time to sell before poor-people non-clients can get out. The risk of a drawdown in the next three months is now higher than 10%, according to Goldman. On the bright side, Goldman is often wrong about many of the things. (Rich people are not smart.)
Attorney General Pam Bondi yesterday issued a directive removing power from Washington’s police chief and assigning it to Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) chief Terry Cole. Which is illegal, according to Washington’s attorney general, Brian Schwalb. He told Mayor Muriel Bowser, “You are not legally obligated to follow” Bondi’s directive. He called the directive “unlawful,” putting Senate Democrats in the awkward position of yet again not threatening impeachment against a Trump cabinet member doing unlawful things.
A new poll finds that only 31% of Americans would call Pres. Donald Trump “trustworthy” or “honest,” unless someone paid them to. Presumably Trump. That’s down from 33% in March but much higher than 0% in Obvious Land. And it’s a record low for his second term, not counting his moral record lows.
If you can’t read the fine print below, red is the number (now at 53%) who find Trump not honest and trustworthy. The purple number is the remaining number of idiots.
What accounts for the dwindling trust? Jeffrey Epstein! Seventy-one percent of Americans believe Trump had some knowledge of Epstein’s crimes before police did. That’s right, Epstein has just one person left he can still fuck from the grave and it’s the inner child of Donald J. Trump.
A federal judge yesterday ruled against Pres. Donald Trump’s attempt to force America’s schools to pretend his interpretation of diversity laws isn’t just racism wearing a white mask. The judge — a woman appointed by Trump because woke — ordered the Education Department to reverse course on its order barring schools from considering race in any of their decision-making. The judge, Stephanie Gallagher, said she wasn’t even ruling on the merits of the Education Department order, just the fact that the way they went about it was illegal. Gee, maybe they need more lawyers?
TCB
SUPPORTING TFN Well, yesterday was a rough day. I spent most of it panicking at the lack of new Newsfuckers upgrading to paid subscriptions. I knew August was gonna be rough, but this was rough. And then, like the Whos in Whoville showing up for Christmas, a batch of you night-owl Newsfuckers pulled the trigger, restoring my faith in humanity and newsfucking. Thank you. Whew!
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NEWSFUCKING IN THE WILD I’m excited to announce that superstar writer Mark Waid — who gets an Easter egg shoutout in the new Superman film! — will join me for a live chat next month to discuss all things Superman, comics, and politics. Details to come! MEANWHILE: I know we’ve got other comic legends in the Newsfucker ranks, so if anyone else wants in on the comics-and-politics live-chat fun, lemme know!
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RESOURCES
Go get ‘em, kids! Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., may have a leaky sac of rabid-squirrel poop where the remnants of his brain are supposed to be, but he ain’t wrong that it does us good to get outside. Be good to yourself this weekend and try to spend some time out there. You know we worry.
TFN creator and writer Jonathan Larsen co-created Up w/ Chris Hayes and wrote for Countdown with Keith Olbermann at MSNBC, helped launch CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360° and Air America Radio, and has also worked at The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and The Young Turks.
Don’t hold me to that number, I’m not sure the numbers I found were right or that my math is right. We’re through the looking glass, people!
Technical gripe here: There has never been a “post Covid.” Infections, with their myriad of possible negative effects and disabling events are still out of control, as both Biden and Trump administrations with the eager consent of both parties, abandoned timely data collection in favor or “normalization” over public health.
So if the exasperated ones are saying "fuck this shit," doesn't that make the ones who stay "Shitfuckers"? (aside from whatever unfortunate homunculoid is banging bondi, I mean)
"Trouble ahead
Trouble behind
And you know that notion just crossed my mind..."