Wonder-Jury Powers: Nullify!
12-thousand-thousand angry men and women and non-binary people take the shape of juries and the form of vengeance
Aug. 26: Juries keep standing in the way of Trump’s prosecutors … Windy City tells presidential gasbag to blow … FEMA workers warn that FEMA itself is an unnatural disaster … Trump bans flag-burning, instantly inspiring flag-burning …
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To achieve what he wants, Pres. Donald Trump abuses the system, claiming emergencies and conditions that, if real, would justify authoritarian actions such as deploying military forces (in cities where crime is actually falling). To justify this, he uses apocryphal, apocalyptic statistics ginned up by his legion of doom-sayers.
Meanwhile, in the halls of justice, Trump has failed to account for the set of extraordinary powers that come into existence when certain people and their peers are brought into contact with each other. When their powers are activated by acting in league with each other for justice in America, they can thwart Trump’s evil schemes.
That’s because ordinary, non-super-powered Americans acquire superpowers when they take the shape of a jury or the form of a grand jury. With this newfound invulnerability, juries now have the power to tell Trump prosecutors to go fuck themselves. And, Newsfucker, it’s already happening.
You may have heard that the grand jury process — where prosecutors get indictments — is so stacked against defendants (they don’t even get to mount a defense!) that even a shitty prosecutor can indict a ham sandwich. Especially if it’s on video getting flung at a federal official.
Well, as the New York Times reports, a Monday court filing — which arose from Trump’s stupid takeover of Washington, DC — revealed that charges brought by his prosecutors in one current case were rejected by three separate grand juries.
Sidney Lori Reid is charged with accused of assaulting an FBI agent during a protest. Prosecutors want to send her away for up to eight years under a federal law that requires them to prove Reid intended to injure the officer.
Blocked by three grand juries, they’ve now dropped the charge to a misdemeanor of, like, chewing gum in class or some shit. U.S. Attorney Je(as)inine Pirro, Trump’s minion and former Rupert Murdoch minion, has told prosecutors to pursue the most serious charges possible in every case and to do so in federal court, because federal courts are meaner.
But in a direct shot at Pirro, Reid’s lawyers in a statement Monday said, “The U.S. attorney can try to concoct crimes to quiet the people, but in our criminal justice system, the citizens have the last word.” The people, to not coin a phrase, have the power.
Then, on Monday night, the Times reported, Justice Department official Akaash M. Singh told prosecutors that if a grand jury rejects their charges, just impanel a new one. Ad infinitum. Or ad absurdum. Whichever.
Why’d Singh say that? Perhaps it was because a judge singhed prosecutors in another case Monday.
Prosecutors dropped their case against a Black guy accused of having two guns in a bag at a Trader Joe’s — because apparently the administration hates guns now and/or Trader Joe’s. Which didn’t stop the judge from telling prosecutors they violated the guy’s rights.
“Lawlessness cannot come from the government,” said the judge, who apparently doesn’t follow the news.
As the Times notes, several government cases also fell apart in Los Angeles due to the surprise appearance of evidence, which, in some cases, showed that the government was lying. (Which, to be fair, not new.)
And there’s another case coming up in Washington where a super-powered grand jury could step in to do justice. America’s most famous resistance hero, Sean Dunn — who, in his secret identity as The Subway™ Vigilante, tossed a salami sandwich at a federal agent — has a court date next week.
That hearing is to determine the validity of the charges against him, unless Pirro gets a grand jury to indict him first. Newsfucker, they’re the same charges brought against Reid, meaning Pirro has to prove Dunn intended to do harm with his surface-to-air sandwich. But unless the agent was allergic to salami, that’s stretching things longer than a foot-long.
And even if Singh’s dastardly plan of trying multiple grand juries does work, Trump’s legion of doom only gets one shot in front of trial juries.
SUPREME COURT SICK OF NON-SUPREME COURT LAWLESSNESS It’s not just juries standing up to Trumpian lawlessness. Two of Trump’s appointees on the Supreme Court are just beside themselves that even some judges aren’t heeding the corrupt, illegitimate Supreme Court’s illegitimate pro-Trump kowtowing.
That’s right, the same justices — Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh — who said the laws don’t apply to federal officials named Trump are pissed that some judges are ignoring the Supreme Court’s lawless rulings.
In an opinion last week, the two whiners whined that lower courts are issuing rulings ignoring Supreme Court precedent, which is supposed to be their job. Doesn’t feel good, does it, fellas?
“This is now the third time in a matter of weeks this court has had to intercede in a case ‘squarely controlled’ by one of its precedents,” Gorsuch pouted like a toddler. “When this court issues a decision, it constitutes a precedent that commands respect in lower courts.”
Yeah, well, if it actually commanded respect, this wouldn’t be the third time in weeks you had to do something about it, would it? Maybe try earning respect.
And here’s the good news, if lower-court judges keep ignoring higher-court rulings, there’s only so many hours in the day for the six judges appointed by Trump or a Bush to undo all of it.
Chicago Says Trump Can Chicago Fuck Himself
Gov. JB Pritzker (D-IL) on Monday vowed to take Pres. Donald Trump to court if he tries to deploy the U.S. military in Chicago to fight rising crime which is falling.
“It’s important to understand that the president of the United States is doing this for theatrics,” Pritzker said.
Trump has been saying for days now that he might send National Guard troops into Chicago to stand around trying to look tough and instead just looking faintly ridiculous strutting around in full military gear while everyone else is wearing shorts and playing frisbee. The deployment would be part of Trump’s campaign against cities with too many Black people and/or leaders.
Pritzker was joined Monday by Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson; the state’s Democratic senators, Tammy Duckworth and Dick Durbin; and state Attorney General Kwame Raoul.
Trump himself on Monday waffled on his threats, saying it would be nice to be asked to send in the troops. “I hate to barge in on a city and then be treated horribly by corrupt politicians and bad politicians," he said, referring to his hurt feelings like a Gorsuchian toddler.
Trump even said, “In a certain way, you really want to be asked to go.” Okay, fair enough, in that case, can you please go?
FEMA Workers Prepare for Disaster By Warning FEMA’s a Disaster
A brave-ass group of workers at the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) have come forward with a public letter warning the White House, Congress, FEMA, and everyone living in low-lying flood zones that FEMA is a disaster waiting to not happen during the next disaster.
The letter was signed by 181 FEMA employees, 35 of whom actually made their names public, significantly raising the odds of a hurricane striking their personal homes. The letter was published online here with an option for people to sign on as supporters here, not that your always-objective TFN would ever advocate any specific course of action here.
The letter comes on the eve of the 20th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, which stormed into Louisiana and then tore into Pres. George W. Bush’s fake image of competence before going on to follow his legacy forevermore unto death.
According to the FEMA signatories, Trump has been undoing the fixes made after Bush left New Orleans to fend/drown for itself. The FEMA workers flag a number of problems, some of them literally illegal, some just standard-level Trump incompetence.
A FEMA-reform law that Bush himself signed in 2006, for instance, prohibits the Homeland (sic) Security secretary from reducing agency capabilities or functions. But that’s precisely what DHS Secretary Kristi Noem did by insisting on reviewing high-dollar contracts even in the middle of an emergency, namely the ongoing emergency that she’s the DHS secretary.
Forecasters expect the next disaster to be a flood of résumés from newly fired FEMA workers.
Abundance of Arguments Emerge Against Abundance Arguments
You may have encountered an ongoing debate, spurred by a recent book, about what’s been short-handed as “Abundance.” The argument, in short, is that government can and should build big things if only the government would get out of the way.
The book’s co-author is Ezra Klein of the New York Times, so it’s gotten a lot of attention. It’s also gotten an abundance of pushback.
I don’t know if it’s online yet, but the embargo has lifted on a new report from the Revolving Door Project and the advocacy group Open Markets called “Debunking the Abundance Agenda.”
Your transparent TFN confesses to not having read the whole thing, but a number of salient points jump out on first read skim. For instance, the report debunks the Abundance reliance on the old economic saw of supply and demand. Supply isn’t merely how much there is of something, it turns out. In reality, it’s how much of said stuff companies make or make available based on profit margins.
An example the report gives is industrial military production in World War II. I’d add a current example: Oil companies aren’t tapping oil reserves because the low price of oil kills the profit margin on drilling for it.
“Corporations maximize profits,” the debunking report says, “not production, or in Klein and [co-author Derek] Thompson’s parlance, abundance.”
The report is way more than nitpicking, though. At its heart, it argues, the abundance agenda — there’s a conference coming up next week — threatens to empower corporate power by removing regulations that actually enable competition and protect smaller rivals.
Poor and disproportionately non-white communities, of course, are foremost in the path of unfettered corporate power. And the abundance contemplated by the Abundance agenda is poised to benefit those at the top with an abundance of abundance while those at the bottom get an abundance of bullshit.
Finally, a Trump Change TFN Can Unironically Get Behind
Pres. Donald Trump said Monday that “over the next week or so” he’s going to change the name of the Department of Defense to the Department of War, even though he can’t do that.
For the record, The Fucking News (that’s TFN for you new newsfucking noobs!) wholly supports calling the U.S. military the Dept. of War. Not just for truth-in-advertising but for the inevitable psychological unease people will have with it as they fucking well should.
Reminded that Congress must initiate a departmental change like this, Trump parried with a one-two combo of hubris and ignorance: “I’m sure Congress will go along if we need that. I don’t think we even need that. But if we need that, I’m sure Congress will go along.”
Trump’s “reasoning” (those are air quotes, no one actually said “reasoning,” heaven forbid) appears to be that the Department of Something won more wars when “war” was in the name:
“We had an unbelievable history of victory when it was Department of War, then we change it to Department of Defense.”
It’s all about the marketing, kids! Referring to when it officially was called the War Department, Trump said, “You know, that was a name when we won World War I. We won World War II. We won everything, and just to me, seems like just a much more appropriate” and then instead of saying a noun he literally just stopped the sentence because he thought of a new one. This one:
“‘[D]efense’ is too defensive and, uh, we wanna be defensive, but we wanna be offensive too, if we have to be.”
Got that, kids? He wants to start wars. Offensive wars. Just like Pres. George W. Bush!
On the other hand, by Trump’s reasoning, maybe the problem isn’t the name of the department, maybe it’s the name of the wars. We used to win when they were called “World War Whatever,” so maybe just name the next war World, um, wait, never mind.
Two Quickies
Federal Reserve Governor Lisa Cook is suing Pres. Donald Trump for illegally trying to fire her. Cook allegedly committed mortgage fraud but definitely committed being a Black woman. Trump has weaponized the Federal Housing Finance Agency (FHFA) to go after political enemies who defy him or insist on being a Black woman. In this case, Trump wants to remove Fed Chair Jerome Powell so he can force lending rates lower and spike inflation even higher. The FHFA has also targeted Sen. Adam Schiff (D-CA) and New York State Attorney General Letitia James even though mortgage applications often have discrepancies, or, in some cases, are fully compliant with the law due to factors FHFA doesn’t have access to.
Pres. Donald Trump’s absolutely perfect executive order Monday on flag-burning — aimed at taking away actual freedoms in the name of symbolic freedom — inspired its first known flag-burning instantly. A man was arrested in Washington Monday after setting an American flag on fire. Because Trump’s impotent executive order is illegal and unconstitutional and un-American, however, the
perpetratorAmerican hero could only be charged with setting a fire at a federal park. Even putative conservatives are torching Trump’s order, which succeeded only in making flag-burning patriotic. So, have we decided when National Flag-Burning Day is, yet? We’ll bring the Subways™.
TCB
CORRECTION Today’s edition of The Fucking News neglected to mention Pres. Donald Trump’s former best friend, child rapist Jeffrey Epstein, or the files thereof and Trump’s mentions therein. TFN regrets the error.
WELCOME! We’re continuing to see new Newsfuckers in these here parts every day. Howdy!
To introduce myself, I’m a former Official Real Journalist™ (MSNBC, CNN, and more) who’s now unhireable by big corporate media because I apparently produced too much, um, wildly successful programming? (Up w/ Chris Hayes, Countdown with Keith Olbermann, Anderson Cooper 360°…)1
So, I turned to Substack, which is now my sole source of revenue. Thanks to a handful of Newsfuckers upgrading to paid it’s actually, like, kind of working? TFN’s on the leaderboard of top 100 political Substacks and is now on track to become fully financially sustainable as The Thing That I Do (maybe someday with actual vacations and shit!)
This is all happening because every day a few people choose to upgrade, and some of them, like Newsfucker traci browne, choose to let me share their messages about why:
Thank you, traci. In journalism these days, there’s no higher praise than being stomachable. And let me add…
I’m generally of the school of thought that says folks should have multiple news sources. But at a time when so many news sources throw so much meaningless bullshit at us, and internet algorithms make it so hard to escape said deluge of meaningless bullshit, I take very seriously the responsibility of making sure that, eventually, I share with you Newsfuckers everything that actually matters, that’s actionable or that has something to teach us about how our systems — tangible or not — shape our lives. That, I believe, is how we achieve change. E pluribus fuckem.
NEWSFUCKING IN THE WILD Catch me every Monday (but not next Monday, Labor Day), at 3:30pm eastern on The Nicole Sandler Show for free, right here.
On Friday, Aug. 30, join me and Blue Amp mastermind and evil genius Cliff Schecter at noon, eastern time, for an all-out live-chat smackdown in which I civilly explain why he’s wrong about many things.
And superstar superhero writer Mark Waid joins me for a live chat on Monday, Sept. 15, at 4:30pm eastern time to talk about men and supermen and the Superman movie. Mark Waid your calendars!
RESOURCES
Go get ‘em, kids! Remember, patriotism is more than burning flags, it’s jury duty, too…
TFN creator and writer Jonathan Larsen co-created Up w/ Chris Hayes and wrote for Countdown with Keith Olbermann at MSNBC, helped launch CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360° and Air America Radio, and has also worked at The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and The Young Turks.
I’m kidding. It’s probably because I was an asshole and objected to them making the kind of fine journalism now propelling them to new heights of success.
“‘[D]efense’ is too defensive and, uh, we wanna be defensive, but we wanna be offensive too, if we have to be."
And there's the Nobel winning quote!
Re National Flag Burning day. Check with the American Legion/Boy Scouts. One, both, similar will dispose of your worn/faded flags. By burning them (the only correct means of disposal).