DeSantis Teams Up with Dems to Get Revenge on GOP
April 2: Florida rulings … Biden weighs F-16 sales … Gottheimer calls Israel critics “a cancer” … Trump stock plummet …
Florida residents suffered a stunning loss yesterday, with a ruling so detrimental to their rights and quality of life that it might just get them to vote with their frontal lobes rather than with their gecko-brains1.
Florida’s Supreme Court not only upheld the 15-week ban on abortion signed by Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) back in 2022, but by doing so, it allowed a newer ban to take effect. DeSantis signed a six-week abortion ban into law last year.
Thanks to the ruling, in Florida, most women will be barred from getting an abortion before many of them even know they’re pregnant. Here are the loopholes, most of them so tiny you couldn’t fit a fetus through even though it’s totally just as much a human being as, say, a Republican state legislator:
People can get an abortion — but only up to 15 weeks — if the pregnancy resulted from rape, incest, or human trafficking…
…but only if they get legal evidence of their victimhood, and…
…that must be a medical report, police record, or judicial restraining order.
And the only reasons abortions can now be done after 15 weeks are:
If the pregnancy is a serious health risk (for both the pregnant person and the fetus…I mean, it’s always a health risk for the fetus!) or…
…if the fetus has a fatal abnormality and…
…two doctors agree to say so in writing.
And there are also new abortion limitations even within that brief period where DeSantis still lets Floridians kill their precious, undifferentiated lumps of baby-cells — only six weeks! Barely longer than the Spring Break when you got pregnant in the first place! Thanks to the new ban, even in the first six weeks, pregnant people:
Can’t get an abortion prescription via telehealth,
Can’t get abortion medication except from a physician, and
Can’t get abortion medication through the mail.
Now, as you may recall, in an Alabama special election just last week, Alabama Democratic candidate Marilyn Lands — a woman counselor in Alabama, mind you — won a seat in the Alabama state House, 63% to 37%, after running on abortion rights. In Alabama!
So think how mobilized Florida voters will be in November now that their court has made it possible for even Florida voters to see what path they’ve set themselves on, and how it leads to a lot of babies they didn’t want. And ends a lot of freedoms they did want.
This is, of course, the foreseeable consequence of DeSantis’s years-long effort to position himself to the right of his far-right party and its far-right leader, D4FRFP2 Donald Trump. That includes appointing many of the judges behind these rulings. And now, ironically, because DeSantis lost to Trump, it’s Trump and the rest of DeSantis’s party who’ll now have to face really, really motivated Florida voters in November.
In fact, the only thing Democrats could’ve done to motivate turnout any better than DeSantis has would be to slip a little something extra into DeSantis’s pile of bills to sign. Like, for instance, The 2024 Act Banning Trucks, Jesus, American Flags, Trucks with American Jesus Flags, Football, Porn, and Anger Masturbation.
Oh, no, wait, there is one thing that could’ve helped Democrats even more in November. And the state court did that, too.
In a separate ruling, the court approved a ballot referendum that, if passed, will abort all the abortion bans and enshrine abortion rights into the state Constitution.
If passed, the referendum will add Amendment 4 to the state Constitution, protecting the right to an abortion right up until the moment of fetal viability. According to Florida state law, once a fetus is considered viable, the only way to legally terminate it is if it’s killed on the job working overnights in a factory.
To enshrine abortion rights in the state Constitution, however, the referendum needs not just a majority of voter support. It needs 60% to pass.
That’s right, Florida voters now have an actual reason to show up at the polls en masse in November. On Election Day 2024 (and only on Election Day 2024), Florida voters (and only Florida voters) will have the power to restore one of the most popular rights in America: The right to remove that clump of cells you don’t want in your uterus, thus allowing its precious soul to go to heaven and be with Jesus immediately without first having to endure all that bullshit of sitting through mind-numbing classes and a mindless job, eating processed “food,” watching Netflix, and pretending to like other people before you die.
And all of this won’t just motivate women voters, it will also drive massive turnout among men who believe someone might eventually have instantly-regretted sex with them.
In fact, the only way Democrats could motivate turnout any better than this would be to slip a little something extra into DeSantis’s piles of bills to sign. Like, for instance, The 2024 Act Providing Everyone in Florida with Free Health Care, Universal Basic Income, Free Education for Any Floridians Still Interested in That Kinda Thing, Generous Housing Subsidies, Lifetime Passes to Disneyworld, and Unlimited Minutes.
Oh, no, wait, there is one thing that could’ve helped Democrats even more in November. And the state court did that, too.
Because the court approved another referendum. Joining abortion rights on the ballot will be America’s other sweetheart — you guessed it, you beautiful hippie — legalized recreational marijuana.
Florida already legalized medical marijuana (except for the purpose of medical purpose of killing your fetus). But now voters will also know that turning out in November could mean not just legalizing smoking weed-for-fun, but also legalizing holding up to three ounces.
If you’re now thinking, “Holy shit, Florida might actually be winnable,” then you’ve got a lot in common with a certain Delaware native who was thinking yesterday, “Holy shit, Florida might actually be winnable and also I’m the president.”
Pres. Joe Biden’s campaign released a memo claiming they’re in a better position now in Florida than they were in 2020, when Trump beat Biden 51.2% to 47.9%.
“Make no mistake,” Biden campaign manager Julie Chavez Rodriguez wrote, “Florida is not an easy state to win, but it is a winnable one for President Biden, especially given Trump’s weak, cash-strapped campaign, and serious vulnerabilities within his coalition.” Plus abortion and weed.
HOWEVER Because “buzzkill” is my chosen profession, I’m obliged to note that Florida’s 2020 election turnout was a very robust 77.2%, meaning that there was only 22.8% of voters left to motivate to the polls. However, to buzzkill my own buzzkill, this year enthusiasm for the two candidates has been generally low — meaning these two referenda really do stand a chance of making the difference in November not just in Florida but in America and therefore Earth.
MEA KINDA CULPA I usually try to keep my stories shorter, and I usually abjure trafficking in “how will this affect the election” bullshit, but the abortion news out of Florida last night was (a) a really big ruling, in what’s left of a big state, on the signature issue of this moment and (b) big enough, I think, that real awareness of these referenda could make the difference in potentially every race on Florida’s ballot, including president, state legislature, the U.S. House of Representatives, and Sen. Rick Scott (R-FL).
And even if supporters of abortion rights don’t hit 60% — and remember, Alabama’s Marilyn Lands got 63%...in Alabama! — if enough of them turn out, they could still potentially claw back abortion rights by flipping the state legislature this year and, who knows, electing a new governor in 2026.
Lots of Super-Depressing Gaza Shit to Harsh Your Florida High
Hey, kids, who’s up for shitty depressing shit from the Middle East, the world’s leading exporter of shitty depressing shit?
Shitty Thing #1) Seven relief workers were killed in Gaza by what appears to be an Israeli air strike. The dead included three Brits, an American-Canadian, an Australian, and a Polish fatality. Oh, and also yet another Palestinian on top of the 32,000+ already killed.
Shitty Thing #2) As a result of the relief-worker deaths, the World Central Kitchen organization suspended operations, and ships that had just arrived in Gaza with 240 tons of relief supplies were ordered to turn around and bring all that shit back to Cyprus without unloading it for distribution to people dying of starvation and dehydration in Gaza.
Shitty Thing #3) Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu says he’s going to kick al-Jazeera out of Israel because it’s a threat to Israel’s democratic freedoms, such as freedom of the press. Israel has killed multiple al-Jazeera journalists and family members, and Netanyahu yesterday called it a “terror channel,” accusing it of bias against Israel, working with Hamas, and “actively participat[ing] in the Oct. 7 massacre.” History will note that Netanyahu is widely considered Hamas’s most effective partner, having aided in its growth as a check on the Palestinian Authority and having done zip about warnings before the Oct. 7 massacre.
Shitty Thing #4) The Biden administration reportedly is considering signing off on the sale of more than $18 billion in people-killing — I mean freedom-defending — technology. The sale would include as many as 50 F-15 fighter jets, air-to-air missiles, and precision-guidance technology to make sure bombs are killing the right people. The sale wouldn’t go into effect for years, meaning it would be too late to affect the conflict in Gaza, which Israel is gonna win any day now by eliminating Hamas and antisemitism forever. Any time now.
Shitty Thing #5) The Intercept’s Prem Thakker posted video yesterday of Rep. Josh Gottheimer (D-NJ) holding what Thakker says was a March 21 video call. Gottheimer is asked about “the small handful of members of our party who are not supportive of Israel, who don’t share our views.” Gottheimer responds: “Yeah, listen, as you have pointed out, it’s a extremely small cancer in the caucus.”
Referring to humans as a cancer is, of course, historically a prelude to killing them. Which is what you try to do with cancer since Biden hasn’t cured it yet.
It’s not just Jewish people who are targeted with dangerous and dehumanizing rhetoric. But it’s sufficiently accepted towards Palestinians that even a member of Congress apparently feels comfortable doing it. Also, the remarks in the video suggest it was a meeting of Democrats — and in the short clip there’s no indication that anyone rebuked Gottheimer for calling members of Congress who disagree with him “a cancer.”
A Delightfully Puckish Digestif for Madame and Monsieur?
Feeling bloated and heavy with despair from all the bad news? May I suggest a sweet, sweet after-dinner trifle with a dollop of schadenfreude?
After its stunning Wall Street debut as a publicly traded company last week, Trump Media & Technology Group — makers of artisanal, hand-crafted social-media platforms such as Truth [sic] Social [sic] — hit a peak share price of more than $79. But as with all Trump calculations, (Facts - Bullshit) x Time = Reality.
Yesterday, Trump Media disclosed that it lost $58.2 million last year. And that’s what they’re claiming they lost. As a result, shares plummeted more than 21%.
The stock was initially offered at $49.95 (ten bucks cheaper than a Trump Bible!) and is now valued at $48.66. In other words, according to the Invisible Hand itself, if you bought stock in Trump at any point, as of today, you are officially a loser.
Crime Watch
TRUMP D4FRFP Donald Trump yesterday posted bond in the amount of $175 million, staving off the seizure of the overvalued properties he bought with loans he snookered from financial geniuses stupid enough to believe his lies about how much money he made from canny wealth-appreciation strategies such as having a rich Dad and not having a poor Dad.
Trump was allowed to post the bond while he appeals his conviction for defrauding lenders. If his conviction is upheld, he’ll have to pay what he was sentenced to pay: The full $454 million in fines and interest, which he says he doesn’t have because he wasn’t very good at managing the money his Dad left him.
If it makes you feel any better, the amount Trump will owe if he loses his appeal is continuing to grow, thanks to the interest that’s accruing during his delaying strategies.
TCB
SNEAK PREVIEW! I’m publishing my latest original reporting a little later this morning. If you want to hear the sneak preview I gave in my weekly “The Fucking News” segment on The Nicole Sandler Show last night, you can check out our discussion here. (Spoiler: It’s about The Family, an event they’re secretly holding at the Kennedy Space Center this week, and their ties to NASA Administrator Bill Nelson.)
The original reporting I’m publishing today takes more time and work than may be apparent from the details that make it into the story, so I want to (a) thank those of you who have become paid subscribers for supporting my work and making it possible for me to pursue these theocratic incursions into our government, and (b) ask folks who want to support my work uncovering this kind of thing to consider joining the ranks of TFN supporters by becoming a monthly or annual subscriber yourself. Thank you!
And either way, please let me know how I’m doing by hitting me up with some words on Twitter or Facebook or Bluesky or Mastodon.
Go get ‘em, kids…!
I know, those little Florida lizards are actually anoles, but that would’ve killed the joke.
D4FRFP = Disgraced, quadicted, fraudster, rapist, former President.
My advice still stands: If you live in Florida - GET OUT!
BUT, if you can't get out, then you gotta VOTE BLUE! Please.
Hope this helps.