“Does Mr. Hefner Know You Stole His Pajamas?”

May 8: Daniels testifies … Trump docs trial delayed … Biden pauses arms for Israel … Israel war-crimes report delayed …

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Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels, who had sex with each other. (Photo / Stormy Daniels, who had sex with Donald Trump.)

Typically, high-brow publications such as The Fucking News don’t traffic in the kind of tawdry details that emerge from the criminal trials of former presidents. But you’ve been so good lately.

And in this case, these details matter because they establish exactly how humiliating and potentially damaging the story of Stormy Daniels could have been to D4FRFP¹ Donald Trump during his campaign, especially after his Access Hollywood tape came out.

Daniels testified yesterday in Trump’s trial on charges that he falsifyied business records to ensure voters didn’t find out he paid Daniels to ensure voters didn’t find out he lied about sleeping with Daniels to ensure voters didn’t find out he slept with Daniels. All of which Trump denies, as a known liar would be wont to do.

Unlike their sex, Daniels screwed Trump for hours yesterday. The testimony centered on their July 2006 encounter in Lake Tahoe, at an event where Daniels was working for an adult-movie company.

She met Trump at the event, then saw him again at the gift shop. She was 27 at the time, while Trump “was as old or older than my father,” she testified.

Then, like a man-child, Trump didn’t ask Daniels to “dinner” himself, but asked his bodyguard Keith Schiller to ask Daniels out, presumably after asking her friends whether she like liked him. Daniels replied, “Fuck no.” But as it turned out, eventually, fuck yes.

That’s because Trump’s publicist persuaded Daniels to change her mind. “What could possibly go wrong?” bro said about sending his client to dinner with one of the world’s most notorious frauds and liars even then.

Schiller told Daniels she would meet Trump in his room and then they’d go downstairs for dinner. Incredulous Newsfucker, she believed him. Daniels was instructed to take a specific elevator to Trump’s penthouse suite. (This was back when Trump had money and a job.)

Schiller told Daniels that Trump was waiting for her, and the room door was cracked open, so she went in. 

"I called his name,” she testified. “I said, 'hello' and he came from one of the main areas of the hotel suite.” He was wearing satin pajamas, like Playboy founder Hugh Hefner. I know that because she also testified that she asked Trump, "Does Mr. Hefner know you stole his pajamas?" Hefner, of course, both published and was a cartoon version of human sexuality, so of course Trump would emulate him absent any real human model of adult masculinity. And of course Daniels would nail it faster than Malcolm Gladwell.

Still believing the lie that they were going downstairs for dinner, she told Trump to change. Ideally into a grownup, but at least into grownup clothes. He did, but instead of heading downstairs, he asked her, “Do you mind talking just a bit to get to know each other?" Which … isn’t that what dinner was for?!? How is the author of Art of the Deal so bad at this!?!

Trump then asked her about her business, the residuals, organized labor, and whether she had any sexually transmitted diseases. Not, apparently, how she felt about any of it.

When Daniels asked about his wife, who was apparently being portrayed by Melania by then, Trump said, "We don’t sleep in the same room."

At some point, he showed her a magazine with his face on the cover. Exasperated, Daniels lectured him: "Are you always this rude? Are you always this arrogant and pompous?” adding what I think is the most insightful thing I’ve ever heard about the man, telling him: “You don’t even know how to have a conversation.” She then spanked him with the magazine.

Apparently sensing that his winning personality wasn’t clinching the deal, Trump dangled the prospect of Daniels appearing on his show, Celebrity Apprentice. To assure her she wouldn’t be eliminated early, Trump promised to tell her the challenges ahead of time. Y’know, to cheat!

The conversation lasted about two hours. Which seems like the least plausible thing Daniels said yesterday. When she emerged from the bathroom, Trump was on the bed, stripped down to his boxers and t-shirt. Which seems much more plausible. When she beheld this scene of grotesque, Lovecraftian, eldritch horror, Daniels testified:

"[It] felt like the room spun in slow motion."

"I felt the blood leave my hands and my feet almost like if you stand up too fast … I thought, 'Oh, my God, what did I misread to get here?'"

"At first I was just startled, like a jump scare. I wasn’t expecting someone to be there, especially minus a lot of clothing."

Trump then stood up. Between her and the door. "There was an imbalance of power for sure. He was bigger and blocking the way.” But not, she said, in a threatening way. “He didn’t come at me … Nothing like that.”

Daniels then testified that she didn’t remember how her clothes came off. Prosecutor Susan Hoffinger pushed Daniels for more details about the transition from standing fully clothed to naked in bed, but Justice Juan Merchan upheld the objections of Trump’s lawyers. It’s a fascinating, disturbing gap in the story.

Then, Daniels said, “We were in missionary position,” describing the closest Trump has come to anything church-related.

When it was over, she said, "it was really hard to get my shoe on because my hands were shaking so hard." She testified that, "I just left as fast as I could. That was it."

In a detail that strikes me as crucial but I haven’t seen elsewhere, Daniels testified that Trump said nothing about keeping his infidelity from his wife, or about keeping quiet at all. This could matter — a lot — because the defense contends that Trump paid Daniels to make sure his wife didn’t find out, which would be legal, not to keep voters in the dark, which would be a crime.

Daniels testified that she told few people. You may see a lot of reporting that said she was “ashamed,” but what I found compelling and wrenching was the full phrase she used: “I felt ashamed that I didn’t stop it.” Ugh.

The next day, Daniels agreed to see Trump again, because it was in public, at a nightclub. Trump introduced her to Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger as his “little friend Stormy.”

She continued to stay in touch with Trump, who began referring to her as “Honey bunch” (as if this were 1974), because her publicist — the one with terrible judgment — thought it would be a good idea to keep alive the possibility of a Celebrity Apprentice appearance.

At a 2007 party, Trump asked Daniels whether she had plans that night. She did not. So, like any sane person would, she lied and said she did. They met several other times, and each time Trump suggested he was thisclose to getting her on his show. Smooooth.

Merchan at one point told Trump’s lawyers he was “cursing audibly” during Daniels’s testimony and had to stop it. Reportedly, he mouthed to his lawyers “That’s bullshit,” when Daniels testified that she spanked him with his own face.

What struck me was how mechanical it all sounded. According to Daniels’s testimony, there was nothing resembling foreplay or flirting, unless you count Trump telling Daniels she must be “the smart one” because she directed porno movies, in addition to acting in them.

There was nothing fun about it on his end. All the fun came from Daniels, like when she spanked him on his end. The sex wasn’t an extension of a connection they had made; it wasn’t a dialogue continued. It was a mechanical act, disconnected from whatever their connection was, disconnected from their humanity.

Like so many Trump transactions and ventures, it was short-lived, gratified only him, and left the other party disappointed and ashamed.

THE LEGAL STUFF Daniels reportedly giggled and laughed at her own testimony multiple times, but without the jury even smiling with her. Not a great sign. Jonathan Alter, who was in the courtroom, said Daniels didn’t come off credibly when testifying about the money, and that some women also in the court considered her untrustworthy on that score.

Point being, it’s possible that a good-faith jury could acquit Trump. It’s even possible that it’ll be the right decision. Beyond a reasonable doubt means something, folks!

So Trump-haters — I know you’re out there! — should be prepared for that possibility. Especially since…

Trump Documents Trial Delayed Possibly Until Heat Death of Sun

Judge Aileen Cannon yesterday ordered D4FRFP Donald Trump’s trial on charges of mishandling government documents delayed until she can figure out all this hard law stuff.

The trial had been set to begin this month, but with yesterday’s delay, the New York voter-deception trial is now the only Trump trial with a scheduled start date. Meaning all three of the other Trump criminal trials might not even start until after Election Day.

If ever. (Gulp!)

Cannon said she needs the extra time to figure out eight motions before the court, which present “novel and difficult questions.” Let the record show that Cannon:

• Was graduated magnum cum laude from Michigan Law School

• Joined the Federalist Society in 2005

• Worked as an associate at Washington law firm Gibson Dunn

• Worked as an assistant U.S. attorney

Prosecutors pushed for a July trial date. Trump’s lawyers proposed dates in August or September. Of the year 3217, presumably.

Cannon declined to set any date. The Supreme Court is expected to rule by July on Trump’s claims of magic immunity from the law because he once lived in the magic house where laws don’t count.

Delaying all these trials doesn’t necessarily help Trump, even though he’s pushing for it. It’s true that polls show convictions will hurt him among some voters — who have never known Trump to have any convictions. But it’s also possible that (a) Trump would be acquitted before Election Day, and/or (b) if he is convicted, by the time Election Day comes around, voters and the media and the public will all have switched into “Let’s put it behind us” mode just like we did so successfully with Watergate and the Iraq War and torture which is why we’re so unified as a country today because prosecuting actual crimes by people in power might have left us a politically divided country today, and wouldn’t that suck blowfish dick?!?

U.S. Pauses Israeli Arms Shipment, Presumably Because Biden Loves Hamas Now

The administration of Pres. Joe Biden last week paused a shipment of bombs to Israel, apparently making Biden just as antisemitic as the protesters demanding that he pause shipping bombs to Israel. At this point it’s not clear whether Israel will ever get the bombs, let alone when.

The pause reportedly was meant to signal to Israel U.S. concerns over its plans to invade Rafah, which it’s already started doing, just not in the full-blown, Michael Bay style we were anticipating.

Israel had been expecting to get 2,500 bombs, some of them 500 pounds and some 2,000 pounds.

According to the AP, Israel has used the 2,000-pound bomb “frequently” in Gaza and that analysts attribute the death toll of almost 35,000 in part to its use.

Because the AP is a hive of leftie, hippie scum, their report includes actual, helpful, contextual, historical information. To wit, they point out that Biden is hardly the first president to balk at bending over for Israel:

• Dwight Eisenhower got Israel to withdraw from the Sinai by threatening sanctions.

• Ronald Reagan paused delivery of F-16 fighter jets.

• George H.W. Bush forced Israeli to stop illegal settlements in the occupied territories by freezing $10 billion.

That’s a lot of Hamas-loving antisemitism in the presidential archives! Anyway, in the event the U.S. decides not to give the bombs to Israel, it’s not like they’ll go to waste. As with most military surplus, the 500- and 2,000-pound bombs are likely to end up in the arsenals of small-town police departments where they’ll inevitably get used to defend the homeland against America’s domestic enemies, such as liberal arts colleges and drag shows.

ALSO DELAYED Remember that report Congress was gonna get today from the State Department, assessing whether Israel has violated U.S. or international law? Suckers!

It’s been delayed. How long?

• “Briefly” – the White House.

• “Just a little bit.” – the State Department.

• “Less than a week.” – an unnamed “senior administration official.”

Also delayed? An explanation for why!

TCB

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JOURNALISMING I spent a good chunk of yesterday screening police bodycam I just got via a public-records request. I was excited to get it, but watching it just depressed me. No matter the context, or what you think of any of the players, the vast majority of interactions between police and suspects — people who are likely having and/or causing others to have one of the worst days of their lives — are just guttingly depressing.

Luckily, you, my cherished Newsfucker, can pick up my spirits and support the work it’ll take to turning this sad, sad video into my upcoming reporting by becoming a paid subscriber. Thank you!

Go get ‘em, kids…!

1. D4FRFP = Disgraced, quadicted, fraudster, rapist, former President.