Feb. 15, 2024 - Kansas City shooting

Feb 15, 2024

800 Police Reported Safe as 20 People Shot in Kansas City

More than 800 police and law-enforcement officers miraculously survived last night’s shooting at a Kansas City Chiefs victory rally. Twenty non-police were struck by gunfire before the suspected shooters were tackled by rally attendees, also believed to be non-police.

The rally drew an estimated one million people, many of them believed to be not police, to Union Station near downtown Kansas City to celebrate Sunday’s Super Bowl victory of Pres. Joe Biden. Some of the team players were still on stage when the rally began to wind down and the shots rang out despite the presence of more than 800 police officers, who immediately mobilized to not stop it, arresting the suspects after the non-police who captured them turned them over to the more than 800 police who thankfully happened to be in the area at the time.

The victims included one fatality, mother and DJ Lisa Lopez-Galvan, and at least nine children who suffered gunshot wounds despite the presence of more than 800 police. In a news conference last night, police said they have three suspects in custody but “We do not have a motive.” They added that they are actively seeking help from non-police.

Launching “Nuclear Space Weapons” Stage of Endless Panic

The nukes-in-space stage of our existential dread had a successful liftoff yesterday, despite initial attempts at sending up a full-blown panic blowing up on the launchpad.

U.S. intelligence reportedly suggests, as it’s wont to do, that Russia is developing an orbital anti-satellite weapon that would be either nuclear-powered or nuclear-armed but definitely nuclear-scary.

Such technology could, potentially, disrupt the satellites that are an essential part of the detection, tracking, and guidance of nuclear weapons. Which make the world safe.

Word about this got out after Rep. Mike Turner (R-OH), chair of the House Intelligence Committee, made a vague announcement about “a serious national security threat.” Turner then invited members of Congress to get more details in a secure space where they could review some of the intel about this “destabilizing foreign military capability that should be known by all congressional policymakers.”

Alarmed members of Congress who wanted to see the intel immediately stampeded down from their offices in a manner traditionally reserved for whenever lobbyists are handing out checks.

But according to CNN, after viewing the intel, one veteran Democratic lawmaker pooh-poohed Turner’s alert.

And then Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) said he’s known about this since January and “We’re working on it and there’s no need for alarm.”

Historians may recall that Rep. Jamaal Bowman (D-NY) was censured by the U.S. House of Representatives for accidentally pulling a fire alarm.

The White House today is giving a briefing to congressional leaders about the nuclear-scary intel. Spoiler: There’s no cause for alarm, but lots of cause to fund military contractors.

Ménage à Trump Today

A New York judge today is expected to decide whether to dismiss, delay, or begin as scheduled the trial of D4FRFP1 Donald Trump on charges that he did lie-y things to cover up paying for more lie-y things.

Specifically, this trial — for those of you keeping track at home — is Trump’s trial for fudging business documents to cover up payments to Stormy Daniels so she wouldn’t reveal that had had sex with her. The case is unusual for a number of reasons: Trump usually fudges business documents to screw business partners, but also because legal observers say it’s Daniels who should’ve paid Trump not to reveal that she had sex with him.

The trial is currently set to start on March 25. Trump is asking for a delay…preferably until The Rapture. Justice Juan Merchan is not expected to dismiss the case entirely.

And today Trump will be tag-teaming his legal adversaries like a hotel clerk in a French farce, or a Stormy Daniels co-star. Because he’s also got a key hearing in Georgia today.

That’s where Trump’s attempted-presidency-theft case is happening, and Trump wants Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis removed from the case because of her own sex-positive relationship with one of the case prosecutors.

Willis has admitted to the relationship with prosecutor Nathan Wade, but says it involved no ethical breaches. Just fun breaches.

According to the claims made by Trump, who has a history of claiming things, Willis put Wade on the case so she could overpay him and then reap financial benefits, like luxury vacations he paid for. Willis says they split their expenses and the relationship came after Wade joined the case. It’s not clear from his filings whether Trump understands the hypothetical concept of a sexual relationship based on something other than a quid pro quo.

The judge in the case could give the case to other prosecutors or even a different office, which isn’t expected to happen but would have dire implications for Willis’s case. The hearing on Trump’s request to remove her office is scheduled for today and tomorrow. (h/t)

Big-Lie Group Claims Were Big Lie, Says Big-Lie Group

In a December legal filing reported yesterday, the right-wing group that claimed to have “detailed” evidence of Atlanta ballot-stuffing notified a judge that the claims were a fucking lie. (h/t)

This all started when True [sic] the Vote filed complaints with Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger claiming the group had “a detailed account of coordinated efforts” to steal the 2020 presidential vote — while magnanimously letting Democrats win both Senate seats — “across metro Atlanta.” The phrase “metro Atlanta” being a right-wing term for “too-Black Atlanta.”

True [sic] the Vote’s false claims provided a basis for the false documentary [sic] “2,000 [sic] Mules [sic]” produced by Dinesh [sic] D’Souza. The film, if you can call it that, ostensibly revealed 2,000 people — dehumanized as “mules” because what part of “metro Atlanta” don’t you understand? — illegally collecting and depositing ballots.

The claim even cited the account of one person, identified as John Doe, who “admitted to personally participating and provided specific information.”

So Raffensperberger sued to get said evidence, and a judge last year ordered True [sic] the Vote to share said evidence.

But according to True [sic] the Vote’s Dec. 11 filing, they were unable to share said evidence due to it not existing and them being fucking liars. Turns out John Doe, if that’s even his real name, swapped out specific information for vague misinformation, including as his unproven assertion that he exists.

Although the group has failed legally, it’s been a smashing success politically, helping to convince millions of people they’re not fucking liars. A sequel to the movie is expected to reveal how the UN’s refugee agency is run by Hamas.

Israel Raids Hospital, Kills Patient

Israeli Defense Forces (IDF) stormed a hospital in southern Gaza this morning, seeking to liberate the remains of hostages taken by Hamas. IDF fire wounded six people inside the region’s main hospital and added to the amount of remains in the hospital by killing one patient.

The military yesterday had forced out thousands of people who had taken refuge in the hospital after being forced out of northern Gaza when the military told them they could take refuge in southern Gaza.

The IDF says it has “credible intelligence” that the remains might still be inside, but fears are mounting that time is running out for the remains.

Crime Watch

Police say the woman who opened fire at Joel Osteen’s church had a history of mental illness and a criminal record, which qualified her legally to buy the long rifle she used in the Houston shooting on Sunday.

Under Texas law, Genesse Moreno potentially could’ve been barred from purchasing a firearm if she committed a serious offense such as peeing in the wrong bathroom or reading the wrong book or reading the wrong book while peeing in the wrong bathroom.

Moreno brought her seven-year-old son with her, and he’s now in critical condition after being shot in the head by one of the trained law-enforcement officers working off-duty as a church guard, who also obtained their weapon legally.

It’s not clear what Moreno’s motive was, but she had a “Palestine” sticker on her rifle, so it’s possible she was either trying to save Palestinians from Israel or churchgoers from Joel Osteen.

Five Quickies

In a procedural vote last night, the House killed the prospects for blue-state Republicans to raise the cap on State and Local Tax (SALT) deductions, potentially sealing the electoral fate for some of those blue-state Republicans (TOAST).
Several top Republican officials tell Politico they’re concerned that if D4FRFP Donald Trump places key loyalists, including his daughter-in-law, in charge of the Republican National Committee, he’ll plunder the RNC to fund his own personal legal battles instead of using it to make him president.
The UK fell into a recession at the end of last year. Ruh-roh.
Japan also fell into a recession at the end of last year, losing its rank as the world’s third-biggest economy to Germany. But at least Germany’s on the ris—ruh-roh!
As prophesied, the world has seen another virgin birth. A North Carolina stingray that lives in a storefront aquarium and hasn’t had any action in eight years is now pregnant. Get your affairs in order, folks. The hour is nigh. #JesusFish

TCB

DICK MOVE A reader pointed out that I referred to Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) as Tom Johnson (R-LA), which he is not. I have two theories. One is that former Daily Show writer Tom Johnson (not Mike Johnson), with whom I worked at Air America and who was just mercilessly funny, died recently and so Tom was on my mind. It’s also possible I screwed up the first name because I was too focused on the last name so I could make a joke about the shrinking margin of GOP control by saying something about Mike Johnson’s johnson. It’s what Howard Johnson’s johnson would have wanted.

THANKS I saw a lovely Tweet from a reader pushing TFN. I seek out your TFN posts on social media so I can amplify them, dear newsfuckers! So, thanks to everyone sharing, ‘gramming, posting, reposting, restacking, reTweeting, and even re-Xing. If you’ve posted something about TFN, lemme know and I will boost you because the best way to go viral organically is to fake it!

You can find me on Twitter and Facebook. And I’m even on Bluesky and Mastodon. Because ya never know.

Go get ‘em, kids…!

D4FRFP = Disgraced, quadicted, fraudster, rapist, former President.