Feb. 7, 2024 - Court rules no Trump immunity

Feb 07, 2024

Court Denies Trump Post-Presidential Immunity

D4FRFP1 Donald Trump is no more immune from prosecution than he is from disgusting sexually transmitted diseases, a federal court ruled yesterday in very different language. If it stands, the ruling means that Trump can be prosecuted for insurrection, fraud, stealing government documents, rape, tax evasion, cheating at golf, and whatever crime he’s committing right this instant.

The Washington, DC, U.S. Court of Appeals issued its 57-page ruling yesterday, after Trump argued that Justice Department special counsel Jack Smith can’t prosecute him for trying to steal the presidency because Trump used to own the presidency and called no takebacks. The three-judge panel wrote, “For the purpose of this criminal case, former President Trump has become citizen Trump, with all of the defenses of any other criminal defendant." More, even, when you consider that most criminal defendants have much smaller mailing lists.

A not-yet-fired Trump spokesperson said in a statement that Trump “respectfully [sic] disagrees with the DC Circuit's decision and will appeal it.” If Trump does appeal, it would be a near-historic event, as Trump’s almost never appealing in any way.

"If immunity is not granted to a president,” the statement said, “every future president who leaves office will be immediately indicted by the opposing party," Which we know is a lie, because (a) we don’t need the future to know what happens because lookit that, we have an actual past we can check where it did not happen.

The ruling was written by two Democrats and a Republican, which weirdly gets reported as if that makes it somehow more credible when really what it might mean is that the ruling was compromised and weakened inappropriately. And now it goes to the very compromised right-wing Supreme Court. (Which is already set to hear arguments tomorrow on whether Colorado can keep Trump off the ballot for insurrectioning so the high court is probably already feeling a lot of Trump fatigue.)

And (some of) the right-wing judges on the right-wing court are very conscious of the poop they’ve already smeared on their legacies. It’s exceedingly plausible that just two of the right-wingers (and that’s all you need) will balk at rendering such a blatantly unconstitutional ruling on behalf of a guy who’s never even given them a free vacation.

(Worth noting: Republicans previously argued against impeaching Trump for insurrection because he could always be prosecuted.)

TRUMP’S BEST ARGUMENT Trump actually has what I consider — cuz I thunk of it — a pretty compelling argument against an insurrection conviction. His dilemma is that he can’t make it without looking like a weak loser, because the argument is based on his weak losing.

The argument is this: Trump really didn’t commit insurrection, because he didn’t need Congress to keep the presidency. He had the Secret Service and the United States military. He literally already had the presidency — all he had to do was… keep it. Just, like, not open the door when Joe Biden knocked and/or sent Jill around to check the back door.

But Trump didn’t do that. He caved. Walked out on his own. Surrendered. Lost. Didn’t steal the presidency when he could have.

So let’s see Trump make that argument.

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Mayorkas Impeachment Fails

Democrats did a victory dance yesterday after Republicans couldn’t even sneak the impeachment of Homeland [sic] Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas past their own members yesterday. GOP leaders wanted to smuggle the impeachment resolution cross the aisle, but got snagged on the metaphorical razorwire of their own party members.

The resolution argued that Mayorkas should be impeached for failing to place America under an impenetrable steel dome in order to ensure that Homo sapiens evolution proceeds on a different track here than everywhere else in the world. The GOP could only afford to lose two votes. Naturally, they lost three.

The rebels were Reps. Ken Buck (R-CO), Mike Gallagher (R-WI), and Tom McClintock (R-CA). Buck argued that failing to do your job is not an impeachable offense.

(Buck actually argued that Mayorkas will be remembered as history’s worst Homeland [sic] Security secretary ever. But one of the very first Homeland [sic] Security secretaries was Michael Chertoff … who was found by a nonpartisan panel to have not securitied an entire city inside the homeland [sic] against an attack by an enemy that we knew was coming: Hurricane Katrina.)

The whole argument against Mayorkas — that he didn’t do his job — was ridiculous on its face because most Republicans run for office promising to stop government from doing its job. If they really believe Mayorkas achieved a historic level of not-doing–his-job, they should’ve nominated him for president.

The vote was seen — not unreasonably — as a massive face-plant for Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) — because why would you hold a vote without knowing you’d win it? But I’d argue that this is at least kind of a victory for Johnson. Why would I make that argument?

Primarily, of course, cuz I’m a contrarian dick. But also in the mix is this: Mayorkas was never in danger, because the Senate would never convict him. So if the impeachment was always political kabuki, what was the real goal for advancing it in the first place?

The real goal was pleasing the audience. And Johnson just did that in the best way possible. His MAGA members get to run on their willingness to do stupid shit like vote for impeaching Mayorkas. But three other members are now politically better off — the three who voted to defend Mayorkas can now run as moderates, or even just non-MAGA, without having a Mayorkas impeachment vote hung around their necks.

And if Republicans are still hellbent on beating someone up for not doing their job — even though their biggest campaign promise is that they won’t do their job — there’s always this…

Trump’s Secret Tax Cut for the Rich

Turns out that then-Pres. Donald Trump didn’t do one of his most important jobs — one that Republicans like to connect to the existential destiny of Murka. Because, according to the GOP, running out of money is the worst thing that can happen ever but especially if it’s because you spent it to buy food to feed people who eat.

One way you run out of money is by not getting it from the people who are supposed to give it to you in the form of taxes. And yesterday, Deputy Assistant Treasury Secretary Greg Leiserson revealed that, under Trump, the IRS did only half its job of auditing big corporations. That’s right, the audit rate for corporations plunged by more than 50%. Sounds impeachable to me!

Oh, you wanna know about the millionaires? The illegals, as it were?

According to Leiserson, the audit rate for millionaires fell by more than 70%. That’s a lot of illegals just allowed to freely cross the line into tax-evasion territory. And how much has this not-doing-the-job of securing our revenue cost us? More than $600 billion every year.

Now, I should note that this massive decrease actually began under then-Pres. Barack Obama, but it’s worth noting that part of that was due to the IRS getting hit bybroad cuts in government spending. Which, uh, Democrats agreed to so never mind.

The point is that under Pres. Joe Biden, Democrats actually succeeded in re-beefing up the IRS. (Despite the GOP retaking the House, Democrats have managed to keep almost $60 billion of IRS money out of the $80 billion passed with the Inflation Reduction Act.)

And yesterday the IRS said government revenues could rise by as much as $561 billion over the next ten years thanks to the new IRS money. If Democrats can restore that full $80 billion in IRS funding, they’ll take in as much as $851 billion in new tax revenues from the rich.

And now that I crunch the numbers, it seems that if Democrats give the IRS even more than $80 billion — and keep increasing it to infinity — eventually America will cut its debt to zero and we’ll all have all the money and all the things.

Crime Watch

GUNS For the first time in U.S. history, a parent has been convicted in criminal court of putting a gun in the hands of a school shooter.

Jennifer Crumbley was convicted yesterday by a Michigan jury — that included gun owners — of failing to secure a Sig Sauer 9 and ammo, which son Ethan then used to destroy his life and end the lives of four other kids at Oxford High School.

On Nov. 26, 2021, James Crumbley, the dad, bought the semi-automatic pistol for Ethan, then 15, at Acme Shooting Goods and Death Emporium in Oxford. The next day, Jennifer took Ethan to a shooting-and-fake-masculinity range for some mother-and-son-and-death bonding.

On Nov. 29, a teacher spots Ethan shopping for ammo online. Jennifer is told about this by the school and texts Ethan, “You have to learn not to get caught.” That night, Ethan records a video about his plan to kill students. On Nov. 30.

But first, on the 30th, Ethan’s parents are summoned to the school to discuss violent drawings he made. The parents don’t tell the school that Ethan has a gun that they trained him to use. Later that day, Ethan shoots four students dead and wounds seven people.

Ethan is now serving a life sentence in prison. Mom could spend as much as 60 years in prison depending on her sentence and whether she’ll be alive for 60 more years. Dad’s trial is set for March. Anyway, the point is they bought a gun to protect themselves and/or for fun.

Campaign Watch

RNC Republican National Committee (RNC) Chair Ronna (don’t say “Romney”) McDaniel reportedly is about to get her chair pulled out from under her.

McDaniel is one of the longest-serving RNC chairs in recent memory — which admittedly used to be a lot longer back when “memory” was still a thing, if I’m remembering right. But now McDaniel’s offered to step down after the South Carolina primary on Feb. 24.

D4FRFP Donald Trump has soured on McDaniel for insisting on continuing to be (a) not totally obedient and also (b) a woman. So now she’s told Trump she’s willing to step down and let someone else run the party.

Trump, however, can’t just choose his own chair. The rules clearly spell out the process for choosing a new chair: First RNC members will vote for their choice, and only then can Trump overrule them by claiming the vote was illegitimate and filing some bullshit lawsuits.

Five Quickies

Secretary of State Tony Blinken is briefing Israeli leadership today on a proposed cease-fire plan that Hamas reportedly is “generally positive” about, presumably because Hamas would like the destruction of Gaza to cease even if they have to do something terrible like free their damn hostages already.
Remember the Boeing plane door that went bye-bye in the middle of a flight? Four bolts that were supposed to hold it in place failed because they weren’t there, for reasons that will become clearer during an investigation and the inevitable next presidential campaign of current Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg.
A federal appeals court ruled on Monday that, no, having to wear a mask to protect against COVID during a school board meeting is not an infringement of free speech because your face is not words.
Even though D4FRFP Donald Trump wasn’t on the ballot in yesterday’s Nevada primary, former Gov. Nikki Haley (R-SC) lost anyway, to None Of These Candidates, because the house always wins. “None” got 62.9% — a landslide! Haley got 30.8%, while former Vice President Mike Pence got four percent. (The state caucuses are tomorrow).
House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) did suffer one undeniable loss yesterday — as enough Republicans defected to help most Democrats kill a stand-alone bill to give Israel $17.6 billion worth of guns and other people-killing things. The bill actually won a majority of votes but because Johnson was ramming it through under bill-ramming rules, it needed two-thirds to pass. Math is hard!

TCB

WAS IT SOMETHING I SUBSTACKED? Apparently you hated yesterday’s TFN. Well, not you, since you’re still here. But I actually lost subscribers after yesterday’s TFN went out! So, what’d I do wrong? Go ahead, I can take it. It’s the Axe body spray, right? Too much? Tell me.

Look. I can only conform to the most comforting, unchallenging positions possible if I know what they are. Help me sell out to you. (Of course, if you like TFN, I hope you’ll share it with potential future newsfuckers!)

Go get ‘em, kids…!

D4FRFP = Disgraced, quadicted, fraudster, rapist, former President