Jan. 23, 2024 - New Trumpshire

Jan 23, 2024

… New Hampshire primary … South Carolina secondary … U.S. strikes Houthis for fictional attack … EXCLUSIVE report teaser! …

I’m scheduled (no promises!) to be on SiriusXM on Thursday. Details below.1

If you’re new here, I’ve got a quick note for you below.2

For the First Time: Haley vs. Trump, One-on-One-and-a-Half3

Voting in today’s New Hampshire primary ends at 8pm eastern time, so here’s a quick rundown of what you should know if you’re planning to spend your day watching the coverage:

You should not spend your day watching the coverage.

D4FRFP4 Donald Trump had 50% of the state’s Republican voters, and former Gov. Nikki Haley (R-SC) had just 39%, in a CNN poll released Sunday. Before future former Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) endorsed Trump so DeSantis can claim tomorrow that he helped Trump win.

And right about now, you’re feeling pretty smart thinking that DeSantis’s voters might make up the difference if they flock to Haley. (Okay, I was feeling pretty smart thinking that.) But (a) DeSantis voters will not flock to a non-white woman, and, besides, (b) DeSantis only had six percent…and even besideser, when he dropped out he gave his Magnificent Half-Dozen…to Trump.

Does all this mean Trump will win? No. And here at TFN we don’t truck in questions that only time can answer (suck it, Newsweek). And we don’t call shit “news” just because it makes us feel like we know how things will turn out.

And, look, I used to think Trump clinching the nomination was Pres. Joe Biden’s best scenario for victory. Then someone (I forgot who; sorry, someone!) pointed out that any non-Trump GOP nominee will likely have Trump cannibalizing their flesh the entire time…piranhifying Republican hopes for the Whiter House.

On the other other hand, maybe Trump’s nomination is followed by a criminal conviction. And if that happens…

Point is, we can do ifs all day long, even without commercials. But we’re better than that. So let’s fuck some real news…

Hamas Rejects Temporary Cease-Fire Deal

First Axios reported its big scoop that Israel had offered a two-month cease-fire if Hamas releases its remaining hostages. Just to be petty, the AP then reported that Hamas has rejected the deal.

Hamas reportedly wants not just a cease-fire but Israel’s total, permanent withdrawal from whatever’s left of Gaza. That said, cease-fire talks do appear to be ramping up.

People-killing, however, has yet to ramp down.

Israel’s military has surrounded the southern Gaza city of Khan Younis. Where Gazans fled to be safe from the combat and shellings that have killed 25,000+ people primarily in northern Gaza.

And in central Gaza, not to be left out… Israel announced yesterday that Israeli Defense Forces (IDF) were preparing to demolish two buildings in a refugee camp when a militant…

(Did I just breeze past the phrase “…demolish two buildings in a refugee camp…”?)

…when a militant fired a single rocket-propelled grenade at a nearby tank. That explosion touched off the Israeli explosives… prematurely demolishing the two buildings… on top of 21 Israeli soldiers inside them. Three other IDF troops died in combat yesterday, making it the deadliest day yet for Israel’s military.

No pressure, cease-fire-talking diplomats.

An Army of One (Branch)

Pres. Joe Biden yesterday continued to prevent military escalation and the outbreak of a broader war in the Middle East by launching airstrikes on Houthi targets in Yemen for the eighth time in ten days.

Yesterday’s attack was in direct response to a savage Houthi attack on a U.S. merchant vessel, the Ocean Jazz, an attack which the U.S. denounced as having not at all happened. Wait what?

It’s true. The Houthis claimed to have hit the Ocean Jazz — not to be confused with Elon Musk’s private yacht Ocean Jizz — but the U.S. said the attack never happened. And then punished the Houthis for daring to not do it.

And the Houthis? They’re loving it. They got to provoke their own victimhood at U.S. hands with a press release. Houthi leader Abdul Malek al-Houthi called it “a great honor and blessing to be confronting America directly.” And, yeah, sharing billing with the U.S. is a political blessing for the Houthis. (Juan Cole has details this morning on how Yemen’s domestic politics render U.S. attacks helpful to the Houthis.)

The joke, however, is on al-Houthi (if “al-Houthi” is even that Houthi’s real name). Because the Houthis aren’t confronting America directly. According to a musty old legal document signed by dudes wearing wigs, you’re only confronting America if Congress says you are.

The Houthis it turns out, are actually only at war with an extremely well-armed 81-year-old Delaware native.

And some of the people in Biden’s party — which is opposed to D4FRFP* Donald Trump assuming dictatorial powers — say that even Democratic presidents shouldn’t have the unilateral power to wage war.

Writing for The Nation yesterday, Rep. Ro Khanna (D-CA) said, “President Biden has both the constitutional obligation and a political imperative to seek congressional authorization for proposed hostilities.”

As Khanna points out, the Saudis are now urging America to show some restraint. Biden’s military campaign is now too radical for the same faint-hearted Saudi milquetoasts who literally disassemble journalists for writing words.

In short, the Houthis are not attacking U.S. vessels, and the U.S. is retaliating by not declaring war. Which, of course, doesn’t mean real people aren’t really dying…

U.S. FATALITIES The asymmetry of war journalism means that while most non-Americans remain cyphers to us, we know the names and stories of (most) American dead. The details of two who died Jan. 11 in the Arabian Sea off the Somali coast were made public yesterday.

And if we anguish over the drowning deaths of Nathan Gage Ingram, 27, (who fell from his Navy SEAL boat trying to board a ship carrying weapons from Iran to Yemen) and of fellow SEAL Christopher J. Chambers, 37, (who jumped in to try to save Ingram) — and if we confront the metaphysical and metaphorical horror of being dragged underwater in the dark of night by the weight of weapons and body armor — it’s worth asking whether it’s a mercy or injustice that we’re spared the stories of so many other deaths in these conflicts. Maybe both.

Rising (Union) Tide Lifts All Boats (Planes)

Remember how Southwest Airlines canceled 17,000 flights in December 2022 even though corporate executives are de facto geniuses? Turns out, the collective wisdom of the collective bargaining folks in the Southwest Airlines Pilots Association had been arguing forever that the carrier’s pilot-assignment process was a mess.

On Monday, 93% of the airline’s 11,000 unionized pilots agreed to a new, five-year contract which will fix that process. And they’ll be making almost 50% more in pay by 2028.

Live shot of Southwest cockpit:

Democrats Also Voting Today Despite Lack of Democracy

The other New Hampshire primary today is one in which the votes of voters voting to protect democracy by voting democratically for a Democrat won’t be part of the democratic Democratic vote. Meaning, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) decided that New Hampshire voting so early in the race was bad for the party (and incumbent Pres. Joe Biden), and so the DNC will punish New Hampshire voters for voting today by not counting their votes later, when it comes time to democratically pick the Democratic nominee, who’s already been picked despite the lack of votes, to face off against the enemies of democracy.

Am I doing objectivity right, here?

The irony, of course, in undemocratizing the Democratic presidential contest…is that voters won’t see Biden fighting. They won’t see him fighting off the left. And he won’t get battle-training that might help him in the general election. Democracy isn’t just good because it’s goody-two-shoes.

Campaign Watch

PRESIDENT We can only hope quantum computing can someday quantify the massive bump D4FRFP Donald Trump got from the endorsement of Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC). Scott said, “We need a president who will restore law and order. We need Donald Trump.”

You may laugh, but technically Trump has the most potent crime-fighting plan imaginable: He simply declares crimes legal. Presto, no crime!

Of coure, we could respond to Scott by pointing out that Mr. Law-and-Order is facing four criminal trials. But y’know what? Siding with prosecutors isn’t my default go-to. I’m a presumption-of-innocence kinda fucker. So let’s take the indictments off the table.

We could also argue that Trump’s current shtick is actually anti-law-and-order. He doesn’t like law and order when law means someone might order him to prison.

But that’s not a great riposte either, because his followers like that kind of law and order. The kind where rich, white dudes write and/or break the law, and the law breaks everyone else. So let’s look at that law and order, shall we?

That law and order is the dystopian urban hellscape of Hollywood since the 1960s and 1970s — Death Wish, The Warriors, etc. — and even of the modern Democratic Party (when its leaders want to muscle some bullshit through by preying on our fears). So let’s address that law and order. Here’s a look from Statista at violent-crime rates through 2022:

The big takeaway here ought not be “Ha ha, Scott did a wrong.” The big takeaway should be that we’re now in an era where wrongs can thrive in our empirical vacuum.

As longtime readers know, I point my finger of j’accuse leftward on this issue. For generations, elements of the left have elevated feelings over fact. But they shouldn’t be in conflict. And The Fucking News mission includes reconciling them.

Three Quickies

Texas loses Supreme Court battle; can’t stop feds from cutting its deadly Rio Grande barbed-wire…the broader legal battle continues. (Spoiler: Justices John Roberts and Amy Coney Barrett broke ranks with the right.)
Alabama is set on Thursday to become the first state to use nitrogen gas for an execution. Pro-life politicians thinking out of the box for putting people in one.
The recidivist criminal gang known as Archer Daniels Midland is once again in the crosshairs of Johnny Law.

TCB

I have seen every single message of support and encouragement and, yes, your paid subscriptions and the notes you generous folks wrote to me. Holy shit did all of it matter. Thank you.

FUTURE Exclusive new reporting coming this week on the National Prayer Breakfast. Tomorrow, maybe? Please consider becoming a paid subscriber so I have plenty to stress eat while I piss off powerful people.

PRESENT I know: The new TFN is a mess. It’s tonally all over the place. I know! Please stick around as I find my groove, and please help me find it by letting me know what is/isn’t/would be working for you.

PODCAST? Would a TFN podcast be worth a paid subscription? Lemme know, okay? Have I mentioned paid subscriptions?

Either way, please share TFN, post your comments, and encourage your favorite newsfuckers to sign up.

Go get ‘em, kids…!

I’ll be on SiriusXM’s “Mornings with Zerlina” (that’s Zerlina Maxwell’s show, which somehow isn’t called “Zerlina Morning”) on Thursday at 8am eastern with Joe Sudbay. SiriusXM subscribers can listen live or on demand here. I’m not one, so someone please let me know how it goes.

I’m relaunching TFN to weave together what I did at the old TFN with what I did at the The Young Turks newsletter The Progress Report, which was pretty much the same thing with less cursing. I’m no longer doing the Progress Report because TYT eliminated my position. (Sshhh! It’s not public yet, although I wrote about it here.) Anyway, that’s why you’re seeing all these crass pushes for paid subscriptions. Substack has made newslettering financially viable in a way it wasn’t when I started TFN. So now I just have to see if a fucking newsletter is financially viable!

This is a fat joke. I shouldn’t have done it and I’ll do better in the future. This is my debut so I got nervous and went for a cheap laugh. I will fall short of my aspirations.

D4FRFP = Disgraced, quadicted, fraudster, rapist, former President.