Johnson Invites Netanyahu to Give Pre-Rapture Address

March 22: Cease-fire vote … Trump financial woes … Alabama DEI ban … Apple lawsuit …

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Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA), appearing on CNBC yesterday. (Screengrab.)

UN Expected to Pass Cease-Fire-ish Resolution

The UN Security Council today is expected to vote on a U.S. resolution that for the first time calls for a cease-fire in Gaza. U.S. Ambassador to the UN Linda Thomas-Greenfield reportedly expects it to pass.

Although it will be the first official U.S. expression of support for a cease-fire, it’s (a) only a resolution and (b) only a UN resolution, which is the real-world equivalent of firing an imaginary toy gun. There’s zero consequences if Israel fails to cease firing or ceases cease-firing.

Instead, the language of the new, U.S.-sponsored resolution merely “determines…the imperative of an immediate and sustained cease-fire.” Which, yes, weak dishwater, but despite all my lazy, cynical nihilism, this resolution doesn’t mean nothing.

For one thing, it drops the demand for Hamas to free its hostages. Which doesn’t mean the U.S. doesn’t want the hostages released. What it does indicate is increasing U.S. rejection of the Israeli moral calculus that puts hostages on one side of an equals sign with wanton killing in Gaza on the other side.

In short, the government of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu won’t like this. But you can.

CONGRESSIONAL SPEECH Netanyahu is now expected to address a joint session of Congress at a still-unscheduled time. Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) floated the idea yesterday and Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) said that’s fine with him.

The context is Schumer’s remarks last week that Israel should be led by people who are neither yahoos nor have a name that rhymes with yahoo. But the big-picture significance here could be that Netanyahu could give Johnson political cover to allow a vote on arming Ukraine by making the case that a joint weapons bill — splooging death machines to Ukraine, Israel, and virtually any ally that wants them — is necessary for Israel to survive, which would let evangelical Republicans support it, even though D4FRFP¹ Donald Trump opposes aid for Ukraine…

…because helping Israel means that Biblical prophecy can be fulfilled because Jesus won’t come back unless the U.S. approves $14.1 billion in new weapons and shit for Israel.

Trump’s Currency, Political and Monetary

Buckle up, this one’s gonna get twisty and I haven’t figured out where it ends and/or the middle bits yet…

New polling shows that voters in two close battleground states are not satisfied with their choices in the presidential race.

Only 47% of Pennsylvania voters and 46% of Michigan voters say they’re satisfied with their choices. Which sounds a lot like national polls we keep hearing about, suggesting the whole country is unenthusiastic about the choices. 

Leaving aside how weird it is to ask voters whether they’re satisfied with the outcomes they determined, it’s worth asking whether the results mean anything.

D4FRFP Donald Trump’s voters might seem enthusiastic in his staged appearances and in those news clips where news people specifically seek out enthusiastic voters. But are those Trump backers putting their money where Trump’s mouth is?

New campaign disclosures show that Trump’s campaign has $33.5 million on hand. His total is $42 million when you include affiliated groups supporting him. And while that ain’t nothin’, it doesn’t exactly reflect the enthusiasm seen in Pres. Joe Biden’s numbers.

The Biden campaign has $71 million — or $155 million if you include affiliated groups. As the Washington Post’s Eugene Robinson argues, maybe what people are doing with their checkbooks is a better indicator of enthusiasm than what they’re doing with their gaping face-maws.

And, yeah, maybe!

On the other hand, campaign giving reflects the sentiments of people who can afford to donate to political campaigns. (When they should be supporting their favorite substack newsletter, obvi.) 

Perversely, high-dollar Biden numbers may reflect a problem. Because if better-off voters are enthusiastic about Biden, there’s a good chance that vastly more numerous low-income voters won’t be — and for the same reason: That Biden isn’t likely to change things. (Even though a recent study shows Democratic candidates fare better when they fight for a fair economy and against economic disparity.)

The irony, of course, is that Biden wouldn’t need any money if he were pushing a vision and policies of real change for real people rather than systemic subsistence, because so many people who don’t have money would then be inspired to vote that he’d win in a walk.

Luckily for Biden, and possibly democracy, Trump’s money problems are even worse than they seem. Whatever money he does have in his political bank accounts is getting drained by the lawyers fighting his personal legal battles.

And now that Trump has taken over the Republican National Committee (RNC), even more Republican dollars will go to his personal defense.

The AP reports that Trump’s new joint-fundraising deal with the RNC dictates that Trump’s lawyers get a taste of every single donation to the Trump 47 Committee. The Trump campaign gets first cut, skimming off the maximum amount allowable under federal caps. Then the Save America PAC (which spends about 85% of its cash on Trump lawyers) gets the maximum amount from what’s left. And then the RNC and state Republican parties get the Dickensian dregs of whatever’s left over. 

And Trump’s financial status is now at a metaphorical tipping point, along with his buildings. Trump has until Monday to pay off the $464 million judgment against him in his fraud cause, or secure a bond — which he says he can’t do, despite groveling to thirty lenders — or let the court hold his properties against future payment.

If he doesn’t do any of that, then New York state Attorney General Letitia James will move to seize at least some properties in lieu of payment.

(Hilariously, Trump’s one possible lifeline is looking more like a noose. Investors in the Truth [sic] Social [sic] platform are expected today to approve taking the company public — which would raise a massive amount of money for those investors by letting members of the public buy stock. But…going public includes legal provisions that would impede Trump’s ability to sell his shares off for a quick cash infusion. And…even if he sought and obtained waivers that did let him sell off massive amounts of Truth, that would signal lack of confidence in the venture, which would likely torpedo the share price. In other words, Trump is trapped by the economic equivalent of Newton’s laws of physics, some of the last remaining laws Trump has yet to violate.)

All of this raises the prospect not just that some Trump voters will abandon him for his crimes, which they have told pollsters they will, but that he’ll lose his single greatest asset: His assets. By the time Election Day comes Trump supporters may have endured months of a steady drip-drip of Trump being repeatedly monetarily emasculated, in public, legally, occasionally by Black women, time after time.

Literally the only reason for Trump’s ascendance down that escalator was his ostensible wealth and the business acumen it implied. There was no sweeping political vision other than racist dog-whistles like calling then-Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) a Kenyan.

So if Trump’s campaigns are struggling financially, and he can’t pay his legal bills, and he can’t pay his legal penalties, and he can’t even convince banks to lend him money, then at some point some of his voters are going to eyeball his supposed greatest weapon and see nothing but a stubby little mushroom. 

The Kids Are Allwhite

Gov. Kay Ivey (R-AL) on Wednesday signed into law a bill a ban on diversity, equity, and/or inclusion programs at public universities and schools. Because freedom.

Ironically, the law itself is remarkably diverse, as it’s inclusive of many things to dislike. For one vile thing, it’s got another bathroom ban in it. Which could mean that transgender people might be forced to literally shit on the state. 

And as I mentioned previously (save those collector’s item TFNs, kids!), writer Michael Harriot has demonstrated that national college sports diversity requirements could mean that Alabama just opted out of the only reason it has schools: Sports. And right on cue, the NAACP is urging Black student-athletes to shun public universities that don’t want to be diverse.

In fact, the only way this law could have been stupider is if it went to school in Alabama. (Sorry, smart Alabama people.) And the only way this law could’ve been more self-destructive is if it had outlawed IVF. Honestly, at this point, Alabama’s graduating class of 2042 is likely to consist of nothing but frozen white embryos with only slightly-above-state-average GPAs.

BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE In a blatantly pandering bid to inspire paid subscribers, I did something even most Alabama lawmakers probably haven’t done: I read the law! (“Read” = “skimmed.”)

And it’s got some great stuff in it! (“Great” = “Alabama will hate.”)

The new law, for instance, bans state agencies and public education institutions from directing or compelling any employees, contractors, or students “to affirm, adopt, or adhere to a divisive concept.” The state also cannot penalize them for refusing to support a divisive concept.

To Alabama’s credit — not a phrase I use a lot — the law says explicitly that it does not prevent the “objective” teaching of divisive concepts. I’m assuming “objective” means “white,” but at least they’re trying.

But here’s where it gets fun. The new law defines what it means by “divisive concept.” Specifically, the concepts:

• That any race, color, religion, sex, ethnicity, or national origin is inherently superior or inferior.

• That individuals should be discriminated against or adversely treated because of their race, color, religion, sex, ethnicity, or national origin. 

• That the moral character of an individual is determined by his or her race, color, religion, sex, ethnicity, or national origin.

Setting aside the reality that they’re pretending to be against racism in order not to address racism, you might think we can all agree that those concepts are not just divisive, but bad. But y’know who actually loves one of those concepts? Alabama.

And you might logically assume I’m referring to race or color…but Alabama Republicans tell themselves that they don’t think white people are superior. But there is, however, one category in those concepts that they do proudly assign superiority: Christianity.

And now, Kay has just signed into law a ban on Christian exceptionalism. Under Alabama’s new law, Christianity is no better than Satanism. Under Alabama’s new law, the moral character of Satanists has zero relation to their Satanizing.

We’ll see whether any secular or Satanic groups take advantage of Alabama’s accidental de-Jesusification. But at least now they can.

Oh, and here’s the Freedom From Religion Foundation pushing back just last year against Christian bullshit at Alabama public schools…which Alabama just outlawed. Praise Satan.

Crime Watch

BAD APPLES Prosecutors are taking Apple to court, because that’s all you can do when rich people form corporations to shield themselves from personal liability for breaking the law.

In a lawsuit Thursday, the Justice Department and 16 state attorneys general accused Apple of illegally blocking and stymieing competing apps by making its iPhones hostile territory, to give Apple apps an advantage. For all you Apple fans out there, that means Apple’s innovative criming resulted in:

• Less innovation

• Less competition

• Higher prices

Which is illegal, even if it does come in an aesthetically and magnetically tactilely pleasing box.

It’s not just that Apple doesn’t work well with or accommodate soft- and hardware from competitors, Apple actively works to enshittify any non-Apple process or thing that encounters an Apple process or thing.

This federal lawsuit is a massive salvo against a massive adversary, but it turns out it’s not the first shot fired. European countries have already been fighting this battle for us, as is so often the case (:::coughWWIIcough:::).

In fact, Europe is so far ahead of us — metaphorically but also literally, via bullet trains — that European Apple customers are about to reap some of the fruits of their victories. For instance, Apple has made it nearly impossible to use Spotify, because Spotify competes with Apple music. But European regulators ordered Apple to cut the shit and pay a fine of $2 billion to make sure they don’t try that shit again.

So, some of these made-in-Europe improvements may spill over onto our God-protected shores, but even if they don’t, at least we’ll get a preview from Europe of what a less-evil-Apple future might look like.

MENENDEZ You know a politician’s a good time when you’re never sure whether to put their shit in the “Campaign Watch” section or the “Crime Watch” section. Which brings us to Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ).

Menendez said Thursday he won’t run in the Democratic primary, but said he hopes to run as an independent assuming he’s acquitted in his upcoming trial for what he says was legal activity of the same kind that you and I routinely engage in, resulting in gold bars in his home just like you and I have.

The departure of Menendez, however, doesn’t mean that this isn’t still New Jersey, where Democratic leadership manages to leave a slime trail on everything having to do with elections. Rep. Andy Kim (D-NJ) is the leading candidate to replace Menendez, but the other front-runner is Tammy Murphy, wife of Gov. Phil Murphy (D-NJ), whose tenure thus far has not included de-sliming the state Democratic election chicanery.

TCB

JOE SUDBAY I’m scheduled to be on SiriusXM tonight with Joe Sudbay sometime in the 7pm hour, eastern time. Joe’s filling in on The Dean Obeidallah Show and I hope folks will come join us!

NICOLE SANDLER I’ll be live on Monday’s The Nicole Sandler Show for our weekly segment which she insists on calling “The Fucking News” despite my repeated threats of legal action.

In the meantime, come say hi on Twitter or Facebook or Bluesky or Mastodon. If I don’t follow back, it’s just that I use my Twitter feed to curate news sources for myself. But I do make exceptions for Newsfuckers! So if you follow me on any of these platforms or future platforms — or the safe goddamn government platform we should’ve had two decades ago and will hopefully get in Pres. Joe Biden’s third term — just lemme know if you’d like me to follow back. Newsfucker, I will.

1. D4FRFP = Disgraced, quadicted, fraudster, rapist, former President.