Methodist God Changes Mind on Same-Sex Marriage

Admits, sure, He was wrong, but hey, nobody's perfect

May 6: Same-sex marriage … Rafah evacuation … Avian flu … Cuellar indicted …

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George Harris, left, and Jack Evans at their March 1, 2015, wedding performed by a Methodist reverend, damning the three of them to eternal hellfire in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer. (Sam Hodges / UMNS.)

The Lord Almighty God last week decided that He was wrong to ban same-sex marriages and gay clergy in the United Methodist Church, issuing a correction in the form of a vote by the denomination’s annual General Conference.

As the AP notes, Methodists were the last Protestant denomination to have their god change Their minds about LGBTQ+ clergy and marriages, joining the Presbyterian, Episcopal, and Lutheran gods in rectifying Their 6,000-year-old mistakes.

As of 2022, the Methodists had about 5.4 million members, a number now falling as believers split over whether their all-knowing, all-powerful God got it wrong last week, or for all of human history leading up to last week. About 7,600 mostly conservative congregations recently left the church as it has moved steadily into the 20th century.

Protestant churches have been torn over issues of gender and sexuality, debating exactly what believers are instructed to do by a magic book that has much more elaborate rules guiding behavior in such areas as slavery and rape. For some reason, the much more common Biblical prohibition against interest-bearing loans doesn’t seem to have caused a schism over letting bankers into the church.

Not participating in last week’s vote was God’s son, Jesus, who recused Himself due to a conflict of interest arising from reports that He loves everybody.

Israel Orders Gazans Out of Eastern Rafah, al-Jazeera Out of Israel

The Israeli military this morning ordered some 100,000 Palestinians to flee eastern Rafah, ahead of an expected ground assault. U.N. refugee officials there said they will not comply.

And al-Jazeera has been ordered to evacuate from Israel, after the cabinet voted to shut down the media outlet for its coverage of a totally democratic society. The cabinet’s resolution called al-Jazeera an arm of Hamas and a threat to Israeli national security.

While there’s no evidence that al-Jazeera is part of Hamas, it does report things that Hamas says and does (because journalism), and al-Jazeera is a threat to the national security of the government of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, whose job security suffers every time any media report something he says or does.

Israeli police yesterday raided an al-Jazeera office in Jerusalem, and prevented the BBC from filming what was going on, presumably because the BBC is an arm of the arm of Hamas.

Israel’s actions were condemned by the Foreign Press Association, an arm of an arm of the arm of Hamas, as “a cause for concern for all supporters of a free press,” although it’s not clear there are any left.

Of course, there are no media allowed in Gaza to cover today’s exodus of Palestinians from eastern Rafah. Many Gazans had fled to the city after orders to evacuate other cities. More than a million Palestinians had taken refuge in Rafah, and it’s not clear where else they might go that hasn’t been demolished or declared off-limits, although some may end up making the difficult journey to safe refuge in Narnia or Hogwarts.

Netanyahu has said a massive assault on Rafah will be necessary to totally eradicate Hamas, which U.S. intelligence has said Israel cannot totally eradicate.

In an interview that aired yesterday, World Food Programme (WFP) Executive Director Cindy McCain declared that there is “full-blown famine” in northern Gaza, and it’s heading to southern Gaza, which is already suffering from half-blown famine.

McCain was appointed to run the WFP because congressional Republicans won’t fund international relief efforts unless they’re run by a Republican, which is why the last person in charge was former Gov. David Beasley (R-SC), a longtime leader of The Family who used the post to proselytize his own personal religious beliefs. Because you can’t spell “Programme” without “me.”

Efforts to Track Bird Flu in Cows Hampered by, Wait for It…Distrust of Government

Some farmers and red-state “health” officials are refusing to help federal health officials monitor and rein in avian flu among dairy cows, Politico reports.

The tensions have arisen amid broader efforts to ensure that all 1.1 million+ U.S. COVID deaths were 100% absolutely and totally in vain and everything we learned was for naught. Naught!

Texas Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller said of the federal efforts, “It’s overreach. They don’t need to do that. They need to back off.” Miller is, of course, said to be one of D4FRFP¹ Donald Trump’s top choices to lead the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture.

And if you’re wondering why farmers might not trust the U.S.D.A., sure, there’s the usual anti-government bullshit. But there’s also Pres. Joe Biden putting a former big-dairy exec in charge of the U.S.D.A. despite (because of?) a record of not helping small farmers the way he helped Big Ag, as the Revolving Door Project pointed out at the top of its non-governmental lungs.

Anti-Transgender Law Leads Almost 4,000 to Switch Gender to “Troll”

Utah’s newest anti-transgender law went into effect on Wednesday, establishing a channel for complainants to report violations of state bathroom laws at government institutions.

The law requires people to use a bathroom corresponding with whatever box a doctor checked at their birth when guessing their genitalia. Anyone who fails to comply with Big Government Bathroom Rules can now be reported via an online form

Approximately 4,000 complaints have been submitted so far, all of them “bogus,” indicating that at least 4,000 people in Utah now self-identify as trolls. The law requires the state auditor to investigate government offices that don’t limit their bathroom choices to Barbie or Ken, or that fail to check whether the people using the bathrooms have the right wee-wee or hoo-hah, the way governments do when policymakers totally hate big government and are absolutely not obsessed with sex and/or hot, hot drag performers.

The state auditor, John Dougall, says he knew right away that some of the complaints were bogus, because they were signed “John Dougall.” (h/t)

“I would assume the Legislature probably didn’t think through what kind of public backlash might happen,” Dougall said Friday. 

The law was signed in January by Gov. Spencer Cox (R-UT), who puts his genitalia right there in the name. It had been rushed through the legislature by Republicans who are afraid of their bodies and the feelings they might feel about other people’s hot, hot bodies.

The new form helpfully lets you upload pictures you took of the offending hotness that made you feel sweaty and dirty in your private, dirty places — encouraging people to violate state law that bans taking pictures in public bathrooms.

The form for reporting bogus complaints is accessible online here. Y’know…if you wish to file a complaint. Like, a real one. Obvi.

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Incognito mode, people.

Celebrities Back Pro-Netanyahu Counterprotests

Jessica Seinfeld, wife of the former comedian, last week donated at least $5,000 to back counterprotests at UCLA in response to protesters calling for a cease-fire and divestiture from Israeli companies. 

Seinfeld wrote, “I just gave to this GoFundMe to support more allies like yesterday’s at UCLA.” This was after counterprotesters there attacked and beat peaceful protesters almost as badly as critics have pummeled her husband’s new movie, grabbing it by the hair and slamming its head into the ground while denying the movie its civil rights, due process, and the right to consult with an attorney.

Seinfeld found success as a cookbook author after changing her last name to “Seinfeld.”

Her husband, former comedian Jerry Seinfeld, has one billion dollars, unlimited creative freedom, and access to the broadest platforms in human history, but chose to spend a reported two years of his time directing, “acting” in, co-producing, and co-wring a movie about the toaster-pastry rivalry of Kellogg’s and Post that has not one interesting thing to say about capitalism, how we think about food, or the nature of nostalgia.

Instead, Seinfeld made the pop tart of movies. It’s like a madeleine without the Proust. In fact, he might as well have called it Remembrance of Things Post. But, no, it’s called “Unfrosted” and it’s unfinished, unfunny, and actually exists, starring grown-ups. Definitely needs more cowbell.

Anyhoo, the point being that this is how rich people use their money.

Crime Watch

CONGRESS Remember how Rep. Henry Cuellar (D-TX) narrowly beat progressive challenger Jessica Cisneros by just 289 votes in the 2022 primary after then-Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and other party leaders came to his aid, even though he opposed abortion rights, which are no longer a right, and even though he was the subject of FBI raids?

Well, Cuellar and his wife have now been indicted on charges that would make Sen. Bob Menendez (D-TX) blush and hide in shame inside a fort he made with his gold bars. 

Cuellar is accused of conspiracy and bribery after allegedly taking more than half a million dollars from Azerbaijan, which has a gross domestic product of approximately half a million dollars. Prosecutors say that Cuellar took the money between 2014 and 2021 from an energy company controlled by Azerbaijan’s “government” and an unnamed “bank” in Mexico.

In return, Cuellar agreed to place the interests of the company and the bank over the interests of his constituents. Federal law, however, clearly states that members of Congress are only allowed to do that for legal donors.

Cuellar and his wife were each arrested and released from custody on Friday after posting bonds for $100,000 that they were somehow able to afford.

TCB

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1. D4FRFP = Disgraced, quadicted, fraudster, rapist, former President.