Musk Orders Trump to Order GOP to Order Shutdown
Speaker Johnson tries desperate tactic to rein in President-elect Musk
Dec. 19: Half-trillionaire goes on rampage against U.S. government governmenting … Wall Street slides … Senators seek Hegseth background report … Gaetz threatens revenge on all those Congressfuckers …
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Blowing up weeks days of negotiations, President-elect Elon Musk yesterday called for a government shutdown because he, an unelected half-trillionaire, did not like the deal that elected representatives had put together to not shut down.
The deal would have:
Provided $79 billion in relief for victims of disasters including Hurricanes Helene and Milton.
Provided $21 billion for farmer disaster victims.
Provided $10 billion to compensate farmers for lack of subsidy increases.
Given members of Congress a 3.8% raise.
Expanded restrictions on U.S. investing in sensitive Chinese tech.
Provided $500 million for child-care aid, including repairing disaster-damaged facilities.
Funded reconstruction of Baltimore’s Francis Scott Key Bridge after rampant capitalism knocked it down in March.
Provided $25 million to protect Supreme Court justices from the consequences of their actions.
Forced online ticket sellers to tell you what the fuck the total price will be at the start of their online ticket-buying bullshit.
Transferred Robert F. Kennedy the Nice One Memorial Stadium from the feds to the District of Columbia government.
Banned deepfake porn of real people.
Disincentivized “pharmacy benefit managers” from steering you to high-priced drug options.
Allowed E15 ethanol gas to be sold all year.
And other shit like, oh, funding the government and not furloughing and delaying pay for, I dunno, millions of federal workers just three days before Festivus.
According to one farming-news outlet, the farming subsidies break down like this:
Corn, $43.80 per acre.
Soybeans, $30.61 per acre.
Wheat, $31.80 per acre.
Seed cotton, $84.70 per acre.
Sorghum, $41.85 per acre.
Rice, $71.37 per acre.
Given how the government has let factory farms fuck over family farms, I’m not begrudging these subsidies on their face — although it’s also not clear how much of these subsidies go to those factory farms. But either way I can’t wrap my newsfucking head around how farmers still need subsidies after two years of election-shifting grocery inflation. So apparently I’m gonna have to do some research because what the waltzing fuck.
We also shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that a tech bro who gets billions of dollars from the federal government just shut off the spigot of federal dollars going to farms.
Still, you can see why lots of Republicans agreed to this deal. No drag-show subsidies. No Black people justice. Just money and a dash of Puritanism.
And some Republicans seem up for a fight. Sen. Thom TIllis (R-NC) wrote, “I'll use every tool available to block a CR [Continuing Resolution] that fails Western North Carolina communities in need of long-term certainty.”
That was after Musk, coked to the gills on money and power, went on an ego-fueled rampage on Twitter calling on Republicans to kill the deal.
Responding to a Tweet that said, “Just close down the govt until January 20th. Defund everything. We will be fine for 33 days,” Musk — operating on whatever brains can survive being squooshed by almost half a trillion dollars — responded at 2:47pm, “YES.” At 3:58pm, Musk proclaimed the deal dead.
Let’s pause for some contextual newsfucking, shall we, head-shaking Newsfuckers?
By this point, Co-Vice President-elect Donald Trump had literally not even weighed in on the bill. This was Musk whipping MAGA on Twitter to call their MAGA representatives. It’s believed to be the first time an American bill was vetoed by someone not president, let alone a drug-taking, law-breaking, came-here-illegally immigrant.
It also came as we learned that Musk, addled by ungodly riches, is being investigated by the federal government … without which he will be “fine for 33 days” … for failing — as a federal military/intelligence contractor! — to disclose years of conversations with international leaders including Russian President Vladimir Putin. (h/t)
Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) Tweeted in response to the new system of ADHDocracy:
Not surprisingly, Co-Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) — the guy who cobbled this deal together — tried to save it from Musk’s lack of impulse control. He tried, for instance, to make clear that House Republicans are split, meaning no shutdown-avoiding bill can pass without Democratic votes. And there is majority support for adding shit like disaster relief to the bill.
According to the Washington Post, Johnson tried to give the dynamic duo of Musk and his budget-cutting boy wonder Vivek Ramaswamy a crash course on how a bill becomes a law:
Johnson told Fox News earlier in the day that he had texted Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy, the co-chair of Trump’s nongovernmental “Department of Government Efficiency,” that any measure needed Democratic support to pass, and that Ramaswamy understood the challenge he faced.
Note that last line: Ramaswamy understood. That’s because Ramaswamy has much less money than Musk and ergo better grasps the existence of other people and the implications of said humans wanting something other than what he wants.
Here’s an artist’s depiction of Johnson trying to explain this all to Musk:
So, what now? That’s the fun part, chaos-lovers. There is no what now.
Our super-genius business managers waited to blow all this shit to Barsoom until there were fewer than three days left to clean up the mess. Why? Because they’re rich business guys, with too much money to think good and zero experience building consensus among competing stakeholders.
They could have told Johnson weeks ago not just what they wanted, but what they would do to get it. They could have launched their online campaign weeks ago. Then, in theory, they could have gotten everything they wanted and avoided a shutdown.
Instead, we’re poised to get what no one wants:
A potentially lengthy, painful government shutdown — with no reason to expect a consensus will exist to end it even after Jan. 20.1
No increase of the debt ceiling, which Trump explicitly said he wants to happen now purely for political reasons: “We’d rather do it on Biden’s watch.”
Oh, and none of the additional spending needed by disaster victims, farmers, and people who would like to drive over Maryland’s Patapsco River.
Politico reports that Trump did tell Johnson weeks ago to raise the debt ceiling now, so it won’t go on Trump’s permanent record if it has to be done next year. According to Politico, Trump World feels that Johnson could’ve avoided this — but that’s a confession, too, because if Johnson could have avoided this, then Trump coulda/shoulda made sure he avoided this. And failed to.
It gets better.
Until yesterday, Trump reportedly didn’t care about the Continuing Resolution to keep funding going, even with all the new spending attached to it. But then the mouth flaps at the dispersal end of Musk’s thought-production blob went haywire yesterday. Here’s Politico, complete with the weird Politico bolding we all have to use now so that you will read things:
There was little evidence Trump cared much about the CR before that. We’re told that Trump’s team was aware of the contours of the deal and did not object. It was not a matter of debate during Saturday’s Army-Navy game discussion, which focused mostly on reconciliation.2 And we’re also told Republicans passed off the details of the deal to those close with Trump.
So the most prominent theory of what happened yesterday is this, per multiple Hill Republicans: Musk, as the anointed co-chair of the so-called Department of Government Efficiency panel, got waaay out over his spending-slashing skis and backed Trump into a corner.
… [blah blah Congressional Republicans hate Musk now] blah blah …
Under this theory, Trump got caught flat-footed as Musk’s opposition spread like wildfire, igniting the right — and thus had to chime in with his own concerns.
Wait, it gets even more betterer…
Musk Killed the Deal and Made a Shutdown Likely … with Fake News
Increasingly stupid half-trillionaire Elon Musk’s campaign to shut down the federal government just after midnight on Friday relied on fake news, aka, lies and bullshit that Musk’s brain is too fucking stupid to understand because it’s debilitated by stupid money, Politico reports in very different language than TFN just used.
Here’s some of the wealth-brain bullshit Musk spewed yesterday:
Musk suggested the congressional pay raise would’ve been 40%. It’s 3.8%, which, in fairness, does round up to 4…ty.
Musk implied that the bill’s transfer of stadium control to the city of Washington, D.C., will cost taxpayers $3 billion. The bill just transfers the stadium, which the city can then do with as it chooses. No federal money involved.
Musk called it “Outrageous” that the bill blocks House Republicans from investigating the Jan. 6 committee and staff. It doesn’t, so it’s actually inrageous.
Musk wrote, “We’re funding bioweapon labs in this bill!” He then, as unto an idiot, shared a screenshot of the bill’s provisions for … pandemic-prevention research.
At this rate, it’ll take Musk about as long to do to America what he did to Twitter: Fuck it.
But be gentle with the man-child. Remember, he’s half-trillion-dollars stupid.
Trump Already Killing Wall Street
Okay, not really, but why should Donald Trump be the only one to write his own reality? Am I right? Because I’m asserting that I am!
Anyway, let’s try to cobble together a supporting argument, shall we, argument-cobbling Newsfuckers?
The Dow Jones Industrial Average fell 1,123 points yesterday, shedding 2.58% (or 30%, in Musk math) of its value to close just under 42,327. The tenth straight day of slides means we’re now in the longest losing streak since an 11-day slide 50 years ago. And you know anything is bad when it’s “The worst fill-in-the-blank since the seventies.”
Technically, there are non-Trump-ish reasons for the slide.
For one thing, it’s the Dow Jones Industrial Average, not the tech or crypto average. It’s light on tech and crypto stocks. But one reason Wall Street money’s fleeing real things for fake things like crypto actually is Trump-ish: He’s promising a golden age for crypto before the inevitable crash. So, yeah, Trump is helping fuel the flight from investing in manufacturing.
Also, yesterday’s plummet followed Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell predicting fewer-than-desired-by-Wall-Street rate cuts next year. How is that Trump’s fault? Well, Trump appointed him. Then criticized him for helping Pres. Joe Biden. Then promised to keep him on anyway.
Plus, y’know what didn’t help? Cheerleading yesterday — complete with flips and tosses and dangerous shit kids with spines just shouldn’t do — for a shutdown of the federal government.
Hegseth on the March!
Senate Republicans have scheduled the confirmation hearing for Pete Hegseth, the man RePresident-elect Donald Trump wants to lead the Pentagon with all the skill and experience he gained as a Fox co-anchor.
The hearing has been set for Jan. 14 and is BYOB.
Despite a lobbying campaign that includes getting a reference from his Mom, and backtracking on all the things God wants him to do at the Pentagon, Hegseth doesn’t quite seem to have captured the Senate votes he needs.
In an unusual move, both Democrats and Republicans on the Armed Services Committee are asking to see the FBI background report on Hegseth, once it exists. That’s typically seen by only committee leadership.
But at least 12 senators are requesting that the report be shared. Not with us, of course.
“It would be helpful, given the allegations that have been lodged against Mr. Hegseth, to be able to see the FBI background check,” said Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME), whose request to see it now will help legitimize her inevitable capitulation to Trump later.
Hegseth says he has freed the woman who accused him of rape from the terms of a non-disclosure agreement. That should permit her to share her story publicly. And also make her a target for both the defamation suit Hegseth immediately threatened and the predictable MAGA onslaught.
Armed Services Democrats wrote on Tuesday to Trump’s incoming chief of staff, Susie Wiles, citing Hegseth’s record when it comes to violence against women and his anticipated policies on women in the military.
Led by Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), the letter asks the Trump transition team to release additional information about Hegseth and all his fucked-up women-hating shit.
What Democrats seem to be ignoring — or okay with — is Hegseth’s Christian nationalism. Everything in his record suggests he’s entirely comfortable transforming (or more-transforming) the U.S. military into a Christian army. And navy and…
But few Democrats have made that a rallying point for opposing Hegseth.
In a statement Tuesday, however, American Atheists President Nick Fish took the unusual step of forcefully declaring the group’s opposition to Hegseth. Including on grounds of defending secularism.
“[H]is reputation is long in religious extremism, and we have grave concerns about the consequences of elevating a person who unabashedly romanticizes Christian warfare.”
Hegseth has already walked back extremist positions on women and LGBTQ+ people. But that was in the face of political blowback.
If there’s no such blowback over his Christian extremism, he’ll have no reason to walk it back before his confirmation hearing. Or afterward.
Two Quickies
Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) is maybe back! After news broke that the House Ethics Committee will release its report on his lack thereof, Gaetz floated a revenge scenario not quite as satisfying as Captain Kirk vs. Khan but still pretty good. He posted that he could take his seat — as he said he wouldn’t — for just one day, long enough to use his congressional privileges to disclose all the secret settlement payments Congress has made to silence its victims. Which, we should note, means that he and everyone else in Congress are covering that up right now.
First we learned a trans character was coming to Pixar. But now we find out they Pixaren’t, because Disney is in the process of folding faster than the tents in Dumbo’s circus. Reportedly, the first-ever Pixar animated series, “Win or Lose,” was going to include a transgender character. Now it’s not. Disney said, “[W]e recognize that many parents would prefer to discuss certain subjects with their children on their own terms and timeline,” the way Disney would never say about the subjects of Black people or capitalism.
TCB
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Go get ‘em, kids!
Until Trump rewrites reality and we adopt the new reality that he always opposed a government shutdown.
Not with Democrats; it’s a legislative term for a kind of bill you can force through more easily.
Is there a death watch for the Musk-Trump buddy-dom, given Musk shoving Trump out of the limelight?
I'm torn on pressing the heart button. On one hand, I appreciate how you deliver news, so I'm inclined to heart it. On the other hand, the info you imparted is so vile and alarming to me that I don't like it at all. Just know that, despite not pressing the heart button on this article, I still appreciate you, Jonathon.