Psst: Trump Caved to Mexico

Trump declared immigration fixed (after a warning from Mexico that you’re not hearing about)

Here’s how Fox promoted its coverage of the statements by Mexican Pres. Claudia Sheinbraum, left, and not-even-President-yet Donald Trump, in a story that didn’t even mention Mexico’s warning yesterday morning. (Screengrab / Fox’s website.)

In just one day, without even becoming president yet, RePresident-elect Donald Trump solved the immigration crisis.

All it took was a single phone call, in which Trump uttered unknown but obviously magic words that Pres. Joe Biden refused to say for four years, presumably because he stutters or because Democrats import immigrants to vote illegally.¹

The call occurred yesterday, the day before Thanksgiving, the holiday on which future generations give thanks to Jesus for Trump.

Trump spoke with Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum and afterward declared that, “She has agreed to stop Migration through Mexico, and into the United States, effectively closing our Southern Border.” Here’s how it happened.

The news borders on the miraculous, of course, so the short answer to how it happened is by not being true. But there’s more to it, that the big media outlets aren’t reporting. Here’s a chronology of yesterday’s dueling statements from the two presidents.

4:36pm Sheinbaum Tweeted that, “We discussed Mexico's strategy on the migration phenomenon and I shared that caravans are not arriving at the northern border because they are being taken care of in Mexico.”

This was especially miraculous because just two days prior, on Monday, Trump warned Americans — still living in terror because Biden remains president — that “Right now a Caravan coming from Mexico, composed of thousands of people, seems to be unstoppable in its quest to come through our currently Open Border.”

7:13pm Not to be upstaged — and definitely not to be upstaged by a Jewish Mexican woman — Trump posted that he had “just” had the conversation Sheinbaum wrote about almost three hours earlier:

8:34pm Sheinbaum fact-checked Trump’s post — confirming that Mexico won’t close the border and will continue to help the savage animals caravanning through their country — Tweeting that:

In our conversation with President Trump, I explained to him the comprehensive strategy that Mexico has followed to address the migration phenomenon, respecting human rights. Thanks to this, migrants and caravans are assisted before they reach the border. We reiterate that Mexico's position is not to close borders but to build bridges between governments and between peoples.

What happened to the caravan of thousands coming from Mexico on Monday? Newsfuckers, we will literally never know.

Sheinbaum’s instant termination of illegal border crossings is even more miraculous given that she only became president on Oct. 1.

Just how fixed was it? Newsfucker, it was fixed across the space-time continuum. We know this, because immigrantophobe Tucker Carlson responded to Sheinbaum’s post by assuring a relieved nation that, “The border crisis isn’t about immigration.”

Now ya tell me!

So, how did Trump do this? How did Trump get Mexico to agree to do something it had already done? Or, for you cynics out there, how did Mexico get Trump to pretend that Mexico had agreed to do something it had already done?

The answer, inquisitive Newsfucker, may lie in something that happened yesterday morning, before last night’s Trumpian declaration of V-M Day. Which few big news outlets reported.

Yesterday morning, before the call with Trump, Sheinbaum and Economy Minister Marcelo Ebrard held a news conference. Turns out, Ebrard’s office did a survey of the nation’s automotive sector — which includes Ford, Stellantis, and General Motors — and crunched some numbers for the potential impact of Trump’s threatened 25% tariff. Some highlights:

• Average predicted increase in auto prices in the U.S.: $3,000

• Predicted American jobs lost: 400,000.

Interestingly, Mexico’s warning didn’t show up in a lot of U.S. news coverage that I could find. Also interestingly, it did show up in coverage by international media and … brace yourself … in some right-wing U.S. media.

At 1:37pm yesterday, Mexico’s pushback was headline news over at Newsmax.com:

But then, after Trump spoke, his victory lap became Newsmax’s lead story on its webpage. And Newsmax tied V-M Day not to Mexico’s warning about 400,000 jobs, but to Trump’s tariff threat.

The warning of 400,000 American jobs disappearing isn’t mentioned until the tenth paragraph of Newsmax’s story. But to their credit, at least they mentioned it. I didn’t see it anywhere in the Associated Press reporting, and a Google search didn’t find those 400,000 jobs in any big U.S. outlet’s coverage.

Now, do we know whether Trump even know about Mexico’s warning? Newsfucker, we do not. But does it seem plausible that new information released in the morning by Sheinbaum about the tariff threat just might have come up in her call with Trump that afternoon? Newsfucker, it does.

None of these facts will matter, though, as long as millions of Americans believe unironically that a prepresident can solve an immigration crisis with a phone call. Which they can much more easily believe when media don’t relay shit like Mexico’s warning.

Trump’s bullshitting skills have already made him president. Trump made immigration his signature issue, declaring fake crisis after fictional caravan after fake crisis. The media and Democratic leaders have gone along with it.

So, for years, Americans have lived in fear of undocumented immigrants taking their jobs, their houses, and their wives’ virginities. One in five voters said their top concern in this election was the influx of people who boost our economy and lower our crime rate.

If our political and media leaders continue to act as if Trump can alter reality with his lies, he can. And we’ll never break the cycle of Republicans winning by saying everything is terrible with Democrats in the White House. Crime, the economy, transgender dominance of amateur sports. Whatever.

In reality land, the crisis at the border was a humanitarian crisis and a failure by authorities to care for desperate people. Here’s the undocumented immigrant population in the U.S. over the past 35 years:

Typically, Republicans address illegal immigration by eliminating what attracts immigrants: America’s robust economy. Pres. George W. Bush successfully reversed a rise in undocumented immigration by allowing the global mortgage meltdown to happen in 2007/2008, for instance.

But one reason immigration remains a problem is because America keeps screwing over nations to the south. Not just officially, with decades of political meddling. But also, as I’ve reported, with evangelical Christian meddling that’s empowered corrupt leaders. Who worsen their economies and quality of life. Which fuels immigration.

But, again, none of this matters if media and Democrats respond to fake crises as if they’re real and respond to fake solutions as if they’re real.

Which is why you read The Fucking News. And why I do it.

Thank you and happy Thanksgiving!

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