Trump Already Losing Wars Against GOP, Panama

RePresident-elect makes history as first U.S. president to mount a failed invasion before taking office

Dec. 23: GOPers secede from MAGA nation … Panama tells Trump where he can’t stick it … Ethics panel finds Gaetz, debuting next month on OAN, raped 17-year-old … Trump picks another prayer breakfast eater for his team …

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President-elect Donald Trump struggles to stay awake during his speech yesterday. (Screengrab / Fox video.)

RePresident-elect Donald Trump doesn’t even have Fox anchor Pete Hegseth leading the troops yet, and already he’s losing at least two wars that we know of.

Trump reportedly is losing territory that he thought he conquered in the Republican Party. And his attempt to seize the Panama Canal this weekend was easily repelled by Panamian special forces/comms teams.

Historically, we know that fascist law requires Adolf Hitler fans to fight simultaneous wars on two fronts, but Trump is doing it unusually early, and is neglecting to attack Russia for some mysterious reason.¹

Trump lost ground with the Republican Party over the weekend, after his dismal failure at getting Congress to include a debt-ceiling hike in the last-minute shutdown deal Friday night. The original deal failed despite most House Republicans defying Trump and supporting it.

Trump threatened to support primary challenges against them two years from now, at which point 2024 will feel to future humans the way 1687 feels to us now. Accordingly, members of Trump’s Republican army said they’re entirely comfortable mutinying today against America’s Jesus and his co-Jesus, Elon Musk.

“If you threaten me, I dig my heels in and I don’t respond well to threats,” said one tough GOP member of Congress too terrified to give The Hill his name.

“I love Donald Trump, but he didn’t vote me into office. My district did,” said Rep. Eric Burlison (R-MO), apparently forgetting one of the reasons his district voted him into office was that Trump told it/them to.

It wasn’t just Republicans firing back at Trump. Panama opened fire yesterday after Trump tried to seize the Panama Canal based on the principle of he wants it.

After Trump added the Panama Canal to his Christmas list, saying he wants to reclaim it, Panamanian President Jose Raúl Mulino responded, “Every square meter of the Panama Canal … belongs to Panama and will continue belonging to Panama.”

Trump, presumably consulting with his diplomatic team, crafted the following riposte: “We’ll see about that!” Silently adding, “Nyaaahh!”

Trump then declared virtual victory, posting “Welcome to the United States Canal!” alongside a picture of an American flag presumably on a ship traversing the canal. The online-only triumph is Trump’s second digital military success, having pretend-defeated Mexico just last month in the Great Mexican-American Telephone War, which he actually lost in reality-land.

It is true that the canal territory was returned to Panamanian control by the U.S. decades ago with the proviso that it remain neutral. And two ports on the canal reportedly are managed by a Hong Kong company’s subsidiary.

The canal could prove to be a flashpoint for mounting tensions over increased Chinese investments around the world, especially given the requirement to remain neutral, meaning pro-America.

While America is used to losing wars of choice, this is believed to be the first time a U.S. president lost one before even taking office. Military analysts were not immediately clear on how Hegseth could have suffered such a stunning defeat given his years of experience reading words from a teleprompter on Fox.

GREENERLAND Trump is also eyeing a possible assault on Denmark in order to steal/buy the arctic wasteland of Greenland, which, to be fair, is poised to look more like Florida after four more years of Trump-accelerated global warming.

Trump yesterday named PayPal co-founder Ken Howery as ambassador to Denmark, suggesting Trump won’t attempt to purchase Greenland from Denmark using Venmo.

Trump to End Women’s Boxing

RePresident-elect Donald Trump said yesterday that “We’re going to end” women’s boxing, suggesting he’ll file legal challenges based on the principle that, uh simply order it to stop:

“Who the hell can have spirit watching women get beat up in a boxing ring? I don’t think that’s spirit, right? We’re going to end that one quick! We’re going to end it very quickly. We’re going to end that one very quickly.”

Given the far-reaching consequences and legal implications of his threat, Trump obviously didn’t explain what the fuck he was face-blathering about. But it seems possible he doesn’t actually give a shit and this was will end up as an abandoned aspect of his ramped-up attack on transgender people.

Trump Ramps Up Attack on Transgender People, Sets Stage for Hilarious Self-Owns

RePresident-elect Donald Trump also said yesterday that “[I]t will be the policy of the United States that there are only two genders: men and women,” adding, “We will keep men out of women’s sports.”

He vowed to issue an executive order to “get transgender out of the military and out of our elementary schools and middle schools and high schools.”

Trump has previously, falsely, claimed that two women boxers, Imane Khelif and Lin Yu-Ting, won gold medals after they “transitioned from men to women.”

The Christian right’s insistence on imposing its gender norms on the country will, infallibly, produce exactly the kinds of outcomes that give fragile men like Trump the heebie-sheebies. And if Trump goes through with his threat, it’ll lead to exactly the kinds of situations he claims to want to prevent.

Transgender women, for instance, could end up in the ring or in bathrooms or whatever alongside men. Transgender men will be beating the shit out of women in boxing knock-outs and/or stand-up peeing alongside them in women’s rooms.

Women who don’t meet Trump’s tradwives specifications could be forced into men’s spaces while RuPaul will obviously continue to go where he wants.

America’s Big Banks Increase Their Bigness Even Bigger

The four biggest banks financial-services firms organized-crime families just seized the biggest share of the industry’s profits that they have since, uh, the last time a Democrat was president.

The Financial Times reports — Hey, I can read the Financial Times somefinancialtimes! — that JPMorgan Chase, Bank of America, Citigroup and Wells Fargo reaped 44% of all banking profits for the first three quarters of 2024.

That’s compared to the more than 4,000 other banks fighting and scraping for just a shot at competing with the big boys for a chance to rip you off.

In total, we’re talking about $88 billion — in profits — earned made just for, like, keeping the computers so your funds can move around. In other words, this year alone America has paid the four biggest banks $88 billion as pure icing on top of the money paid them to cover the costs of doing whatever they fuck it is that they do oh right ripping us off.

Co-President Musk Promoted to Prime Minister

Tesla, SpaceX, X, xAI, Boring Company, and Neuralink CEO Elon Musk, who also serves as America’s co-president, just added an eighth job to his résumé. Welcome aboard to America’s first prime minister!

After Musk fucked up an agreed-upon deal to prevent a government shutdown Saturday, Rep. Tony Gonzalez (R-TX) was asked on Sunday about Musk’s new power and America’s first unelected leader.

“It’s kind of interesting. We have a president, we have a vice president, we have a speaker. It feels as if Elon Musk is our prime minister.”

Y’know what? That is kind of interesting!

TFN isn’t even sure whether prime minister outranks president in a constitutional, representative democracy that doesn’t have a prime minister. But I guess we’ll find out, civics nerds!

And Trump doesn’t deny Musk’s new position. Or hasn’t yet. But Trump yesterday did deny that Musk is, or will be, co-president or president. “No, he’s not gonna be president, that I can tell you,” Trump said.

He added, in a weird little glimpse at the fearful corners of his heart, a suggestion that he does see Musk as a potential threat. “I’m safe,” Trump said, in response to no one but his inner child implying he wasn’t, “you know why? He can’t be, he wasn’t born in this country.”

But as The American Prospect’s David Dayen points out, while Trump didn’t get the debt-ceiling hike he wanted out of the shutdown deal, Musk got what he wanted. That’s because the bill that Prime Minister Musk tanked included provisions that would have crimped Musk’s ability to keep offshoring work to China.

House Panel Finds That New OAN Anchor Raped 17-Year-Old Girl and Will Launch His Hew OAN Show Next Month, Weeknights at 9pm Eastern, 6pm Pacific

The still-unreleased, bipartisan, House Ethics Committee report on former Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) and his lack of ethics concludes that Gaetz paid to have sex with a 17-year-old, according to a copy obtained by CBS News. Since 17-year-olds don’t have legal standing to consent, that’s called rape everywhere except on ABC News.

From 2017 to 2020, the panel found, Gaetz paid a total of $90,000 to keep 12 different women quiet. Gaetz’s victims were so numerous that the committee used the alphabet to designate them:

"Victim A recalled receiving $400 in cash from Representative Gaetz that evening, which she understood to be payment for sex … Victim A said that she did not inform Representative Gaetz that she was under 18 at the time, nor did he ask her age."

Gaetz, whose rape of a 17-year-old will be reported super-carefully by ABC News and not at all by the One America News Network, is launching his new program on the One America News Network next month. OAN President Charles Herring — who rose to his position from humble beginnings as the son of OAN’s founder — announced Gaetz’s hire earlier this month, when everyone knew Gaetz was under investigation for maybe-raping a child and drug use and other shit.

In a statement, Herring discussed how well Gaetz reflects OAN’s far-right values, such as making women submit before they’re even women:

“Matt is a remarkable [true!] talent and a principled leader [doesn’t say which principles, so, true!]. His insider access [ha!²] to America’s top policymakers and unwavering dedication [dude just wavered out of his Congress job after wavering out of his attorney-general nomination] to America-first values [true, as confirmed by House Ethics report] will bring unparalleled insight [true, his insights will be obtuse] and exclusive content to OAN viewers. We’re thrilled to welcome him [true] to the OAN family [except our daughters].”

Trump Taps Another Prayer Breakfast Eater/Prayer

Mark Burnett fooled Americans into thinking Donald Trump was capable of running a business, let alone the country, and all he’s getting for it is a cushy assignment to the tropical beaches of … London. Trump named “The Apprentice” producer and Hollywood mogul / Christian propagandist Burnett this weekend as his special envoy to the United Kingdom.

Apparently, that’s because Trump couldn’t make Burnett an ambassador because Burnett is actually British so it’d be like sending coals to, uh, Newcastle. Too British.

Anyhoo, over on the Jonathan Larsen Substack, where I do my original reporting — not the fun, cheeky aggregation you Newsfuckers get — I revealed yesterday that Burnett has previously unreported ties to the Fellowship Foundation, the folks who use Christian prayer breakfasts to take LGBTQ+ and abortion rights off the menu around the world.

You can check out my original reporting for more details about Burnett’s associations through The Fellowship. And about the other Fellowship insiders already on board the Trump2.0 train. And you can support my original reporting with a paid subscription to the Jonathan Larsen Substack!

Biden Robs Trump of Opportunity to Kill 37 People

Still-President Joe Biden this morning commuted the death sentences of 37 out of the 40 people on federal death row. Those 37 will spend the rest of their lives in prison, unless they helped attack the Capitol on Jan. 6, in which case they’ll be out next month.

Biden has not overseen any federal executions, and leaves a mere three people for RePresident Donald Trump to kill.

The three still on the chopping block are Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, Tree of life Synagogue mass murderer Robert Bowers, and Dylann Roof, who killed nine Black members of Mother Emanuel AME Church.

Although Bowers was MAGA, he felt Trump had too many Jewish people in his circle for Trump to really execute (sorry) the full MAGA agenda.

In order to increase the number of people he can kill, Trump is expected to classify several new crimes as eligible for the death penalty, such as not investigating Hunter Biden, pardoning Hunter Biden, and attempted being Hunter Biden.

OTHER DEATH SENTENCE NOT COMMUTED The planet Earth, currently orbiting on fossil fuel’s death row, was not one of the condemned spared by Biden yesterday. As your weekend-toiling TFN toiled to lay out yesterday, Biden has several options he could use to secure amnesty for Earth and only a few weeks to do it.

Four Quickies

• The Washington Post’s Catherine Rampell yesterday tweeted out all the pediatric-cancer initiatives and funding that Republicans killed in their 11th-hour funding deal, crediting CNN for flagging a health-industry report on the issue. Of course, voracious Newsfuckers knew all about it beforehand, because your pre-aggregating TFN had all of that shit plus a ton more in its exhaustive inventory in a Saturday Bonus Story of important shit the funding deal killed.

• FLASHBACK Remember over the summer how TFN exclusively revealed that Donald Trump megadonor and former intel guy Stephen Feinberg owned the company that made the rifle that shot Trump’s ear? (And I don’t know why he swallowed the fly?) Well, yesterday, Trump said he’s going to nominate Feinberg — a billionaire weapons maker — as deputy defense secretary and undersecretary of conflicts of interest. The nomination means that the billionaire’s annual performance reviews will be done by former Fox anchor Pete Hegseth.

• New York Federal Reserve Bank President John Williams warned on Friday that he’s begun factoring the potential inflationary impact of Donald Trump’s proposed policies into his thinking. Meaning, Williams might not be inclined to lower interest rates for loans as much if he’s concerned that Trump is causing inflation. Williams’s warning was accompanied by a stirring swell of majestic horns and violins.

• The Montana state Supreme Court ruled last week that residents have the right to “a clean and healthful environment.” Which means that, no, the Republican legislature cannot ban state studies on how Montana emissions contribute to climate change. The ruling only happened because 16 children lawyered up and challenged the legislation in court so that they could have a less worse environment. Gov. Greg Gianforte (R-MT) warned that the ruling will lead to “perpetual lawsuits,” which yer fuckin’ A right. It’s a good reminder that the election did not decide every battle and there will be victories. How many depends in part on how much the forces for good show up, like 16 kids did.

TCB

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Go get ‘em, kids! And remember not to let the holidays get you down. We’re in this together. Dahoo dores!

1. Gotcha! I don’t actually think Trump’s a Russian agent; forgive me!

2. Gaetz was widely reviled and certainly lacked access to even the GOP’s insiders.