Trump Just Launched His First War — on Christmas

American companies are about to dump a shit-ton of coal in our stockings

Some creepy MAGA graphic the MAGA are reveling in, courtesy of MAGA AI.

Two Christmas things hit social media this week. I can’t vouch for the truthiness of either of them, but there’s something meaningful about each, regardless. And made-up examples or not, they’re plausible outcomes of what President Donald Trump is about to do.

Trump’s troll army is celebrating victory in the War on Christmas, because of alleged reports of alleged sightings of “Merry Christmas” banners in Target. It’s probably bullshit for some reason, but either way, the point is that this is what they’re celebrating.

Meanwhile, something far more significant is about to land on every rooftop in the country.

This other thingy that I saw on social media is getting largely ignored. And I wasn’t going to write about it, either. And then I saw corroborating evidence.

The thing no one’s picked up — yet — is that companies are scrambling to insulate themselves from Trump’s tariffs. In one unconfirmed case, that means they’re using their capital to stock up on imports now, to push back the day that they have to pay an additional 20% or more to import their shit after Trump gets in.

But, in at least this one alleged case, using all their cash on hand means no Christmas bonuses.

The company’s workers were confused. So the company president had to explain to them that, no, foreign companies don’t pay the tariffs. American importers do. Behold, the Ghost of Christmas Future Next Month:

Surprise! Season’s greetings, even!

Accurate or not, there’s no reason to believe that anecdote won’t play out at thousands of companies across the country scrambling to build a buffer against the Trump tariffs.

Even without a Department of Education, a lot of Americans are about to get a free course in economics and civics.

In fact, online search patterns show a lot of people have started Googling tariffs now…that it’s too late.

And sure enough, an actual person with a real company came forward to confirm that her company is tariff-vaccinating right now. Offensive Crayons creator Alice Vaughn wrote that the structural dynamics of the Christmas bonus story are also applying to her company, Tweeting:

“​​Manufacturer here, can confirm we're working with our overseas partners to buy in bulk for the foreseeable future”

Still, anecdotal, right? One-offs, maybe?

Then I saw this report from CBS News. It quotes National Retail Federation Vice President Jonathan Gold:

“A tariff is a tax paid by the U.S. importer, not a foreign country or the exporter. This tax ultimately comes out of consumers' pockets through higher prices."

So there you have it. The nation’s retailers just confirmed higher prices are coming.

The only way to avoid that is to buy in bulk now, even if it means depleting capital reserves once earmarked for investments, capital improvements¹, research and development, hiring, or even Christmas bonuses. I mean season’s bonuses.

Trump was clear about tariffs, more full-throated about them than the microphone he allegedly fellated.

The information about their impact was out there. As I wrote back in August, you can’t complain that media ignored it. The campaign just lied, not only about tariffs but even about economists’ consensus on tariffs.

But people aren’t just shockingly ill-informed, they’re certain that they are not shockingly ill-informed. Ignorance and lack of critical thinking isn’t the only plague. So is certainty.

People did not suddenly get dumb. There were tons of ignorant people in the ‘50s, ‘60s, and ‘70s but for the most part they knew what they were ignorant about and deferred to recognized authorities on this issues.

What else explains letting strangers inject mystery juice into your veins? Or turning your kids over to strangers for seven hours a day?

Back then, people know what not to be certain about. But for a few generations now the prevailing ethos of both parties has been that everyone’s supposed to be self-confident and that all opinions deserve respect. It primed the soil for autocracy.

Autocrats undermine institutions because they want the ignorant to distrust experts and trust only the autocrats. That way, when tariffs don’t work, the people don’t turn on the autocrat and say you lied, autofucker. The people believe the autocrat who blames it on China/Democrats/immigrants/drag queens.

The good news is, we’re not there yet. And Trump just launched a million Google searches and deputized thousands of corporate executives to explain to everyone who’s really at fault.

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1. Like, building a new factory.