Trump Skeptical of Trump's Nominations
President-elect joins critics dubious of president-elect's key personnel picks
Dec. 4: Netanyahu corruption trial re-starts next week … Trump waffles on Fox morning anchor … McConnell gets the full McConnelling … Last House race called — for Democrat …
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Other Democracies Actually Democrify
ISRAEL Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has been ordered to appear in court next week in his corruption case because the U.S. Supreme Court doesn’t have jurisdiction in Israel.
Netanyahu is also wanted for war crimes, except in the U.S., which is an unindicted co-conspirator.
Netanyahu’s corruption trial has been delayed repeatedly, what with the wars he definitely hasn’t prolonged to delay his corruption trial. The new court appearance was ordered just days after Netanyahu struck a cease-fire with Hezbollah, which he then violated repeatedly in an apparent attempt to delay his corruption trial.
The trial began almost began in 2020 and is now set for Dec. 10. Netanyahu is accused of fraud, breach of trust as a government official, and taking bribes from media moguls and other rich people. He is currently a frontrunner for the 2028 Republican presidential nomination.
SOUTH KOREA President Yoon Suk Yeol declared martial law yesterday and sent armed troops into the streets of Seoul to, uh, look cool and shit, I guess.
But then South Koreans and their lawmakers immediately stood up and said, “Do we look like America?”
The parliament voted unanimously to undo that martial law bullshit, forcing Yoon to back down and retreat from, uh, South Korea. Then the opposition parties submitted articles of impeachment, with a vote possible as soon as Friday.
In fact, South Korea was so un-American that they did January 6 totally backwards. After the military surrounded the Parliament building, lawmakers climbed the walls to get in. That’s right, the legislators stormed the capitol. So they could democrify!
Yoon in a national speech last night claimed without evidence that there was, like, a plot or some shit. But in South Korea if you do your couping on TV they don’t need to do an investigation before impeaching. Because TV!
Trump Shocked at Awfulness of Trump Nominees
President-elect Donald Trump reportedly has joined the ranks of Republicans concerned that President-elect Donald Trump is shitty at deciding who should serve in the Trump administration.
The Wall Street Journal reports that Trump is now questioning Trump’s choice of Fox anchor Pete Hegseth to lead the Department of Defense and manage an organization of, like, three million people with a presence in at least 496 countries around the world and throughout the multiverse.
Hegseth — a credibly accused abuser of women, liar, shitty-ass manager, and on-the-job drinker — would also have nukes. Like, he would actually be the guy in charge of thousands of armed nuclear missiles. (Please scroll back up to his picture. Thank you.)
Trump, of course, shares many of Hegseth’s attributes, and being terrible (but obeisant) is typically a feature rather than a bug in the Trump appointment process.
Likewise, a not-secret history of Christian extremism, sexism, misogyny, homophobia, Islamophobia; feature, not a bug.
Hegseth — and his Mom — will make the rounds on TV to argue that he’s awesome, despite Mom’s email that went public in which Mom said she was sending him a World’s Shittiest Son mug.
But this time, Trump isn’t alone doubting Trump’s judgment.
Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), a savage Trump critic before not being that, said yesterday that corporate media reporting on Hegseth is untrustworthy “very disturbing.”
Typically, Trump waits to bail on his appointments until after they make their incompetence obvious by doing the job poorly. But this time Trump is fast-tracking his keen observational process and spotting deficiencies in Trump’s nominees as soon as he reads about them in the newspapers he doesn’t trust.
So now, disgusted with Trump’s Pentagon pick, Trump yesterday reportedly was considering replacing him with someone better than that walking Irwin Allen production that Trump picked.
So, Trump is back to consulting his original list of Pentagon candidates, the Journal reports. Some possibilities:
Major Tom
Captain America
Captain Marvel
Captain Crunch
Admiral Halsey
Corporal Punishment
General Electric
Private Ryan
Private Parts (hee hee)
Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL)
DeSantis’s most notable experience is running a state that’s such a joke it’s literally Florida, not just like Florida.
So who’s Trump consulting with this time to make sure Trump doesn’t nominate another Trump loser? Senators? Retired Pentagon chiefs? Top military leaders? Or could it be the caravan of bozos tippling through Mar-a-Lago? Ding ding ding!
The Journal reports that “Trump has floated DeSantis’s name in casual conversations with guests at Mar-a-Lago, his private Florida club.”
That’s right, genius Trump is so determined to get the vetting process right this time that he’s running his Republican Florida governor candidate past…rich Florida Republicans. Donor checks and bank balances!
Trump discussed the gig with DeSantis yesterday in pure Trump fashion, as the New York Times put it: “[H]e talked about it with Mr. DeSantis yesterday at a service honoring three Florida sheriff’s deputies who were killed in a car crash.” Through the tears, obvi.
So how are Republican senators doing at this whole vetting thing? Reportedly, some aren’t asking about Hegseth’s rapiness…because he’s brought his wife into the meetings.
Hey maybe this guy actually does know something about defense!
And what about the drinking allegations? Sen. Kevin Cramer (R-ND) says he’s worried about it, so he’s going to ask Hegseth about it. And if Hegseth says he’s “got that problem licked,” Cramer says, “then I’m satisfied with it.”
That’s right, America, your North Dakota senator’s vetting process consists of asking the guy himself whether he’s a drunk – and accepting whatever answer emerges even if it’s borne on a gust of Old Grand Dad breath.
Other possibilities to replace Hegseth are said to include former Pentagon official Elbridge Colby, a JD Vance favorite. Colby also has the Trad Housekeeping Seal of Approval from none other than Tucker Carlson. Colby, too, hates “the Forever Wars” and wants the U.S. to shift its focus to a presumably temporary war with China.
Trump is also considering Sen. Joni Ernst (R-IA)1.
Trump’s Pick for Pentagon Deputy Made Gun That Shot Trump
Donald Trump isn’t just shooting himself in the foot with all of his Trump-quality nominees. Trump’s pick to serve as Trump’s deputy Defense secretary is the billionaire who made the gun that literally shot Trump in or near the face if you consider the ear or the ear’s air rights part of the face.
Stephen Feinberg is a billionaire with zero military experience. In other words, chef’s kiss.
However, Feinberg is the chief executive of Cerberus Capital Management, and Cerberus is a (fictional) guard dog and guarding is defense, so that’s almost like being qualified, so what’re you Newsfuckers griping about?!?
Politico cites two unnamed sources saying that Trump has settled on Feinberg. But Feinberg has yet to accept.
He could bow out, given that Trump picking him is probably the only evidence Feinberg needs to know he’d be terrible at the job. Or he could take it in order to rob taxpayers even more than Cerberus Capital Management already does, by funneling Pentagon money to the military contractors and vendors he invests in.
Did TFN mention that Feinberg makes weapons? Well, back in July TFN fucked the news that Feinberg made the rifle that shot Trump in the ear or almost-ear. It’s a complicated corporate paper trail, but yeah. Bang.
Think Trump knows? Maybe one of his Mar-a-Lago consultants is a closet Newsfucker! Forward Trump this email, Print out this email for Trump, closet Newsfucker!
McConnell Gets a Double-McConnelling
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), the man who stole a Supreme Court seat and filled the Merrick Garland-shaped vacancy with a Neil Gorsuch-shaped mass of Christian extremism instead, is getting a double dose of his own medicine.
And Mitch is displeased, sir!
Remember the whole hubbub a few weeks ago where people were pissed that Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) agreed to forego four circuit-court seats in exchange for McConnell not blocking 13 lower-court nominations?
And everyone said Schumer was a dumb sell-out even though maybe he was getting more judgeships this way?
Well, now two of those four GOP-guaranteed circuit-court seats look a lot less Trumpy. That’s because two of those four vacancies just became unvacant. Two of the retiring judges took a look at Donald Trump and the nation’s future and decided to unretire. (h/t)
And Mitch is displeased, madam!
McConnell said the unretirements are proof that the judges are partisan so he threatened ethics complaints and “serial recusal demands from the Department of Justice.” Y’know, the kind of stuff Democrats didn’t do when McConnell did even worse by refusing to conduct constitutionally required confirmation hearings for Pres. Barack Obama’s appointee.
Because McConnell claimed it’s unprecedented for a judge to unretire after an election, obviously it’s precedented. The Hill reports that a Republican-appointed judge did it after America elected a Black Kenyan Muslim terrorist president.
Two other Republican-appointed judges unretired when they didn’t get to pick their successors. Y’know, like grownups!
McConnell also threatened the remaining two of those four retiring circuit-court judges not to retire. The four judges are believed to be the only people in the country that Republicans believe should be allowed to retire.
Trump Nominee Rejects Trump’s Judgment, Killing Trump Nomination
Donald Trump’s choice to lead the Drug Enforcement Agency was rejected yesterday by Trump’s choice to lead the Drug Enforcement Agency.
Hillsborough County, Florida, Sheriff Chad Chronister said he’d rather be the sheriff of Hillsborough County, Florida, than work for Trump. I mean, he said it nicely, but that’s basically what he said,
“There is more work to be done for the citizens of Hillsborough County and a lot of initiatives I am committed to fulfilling. I sincerely appreciate the nomination, outpouring of support by the American people, and look forward to continuing my service as Sheriff of Hillsborough County.”
Chronister was nominated by Trump largely due to a record of being a Florida sheriff named Chad. But he was tainted by a number of outrageous scandals throughout his tenure:
Arrested a pastor who endangered hundreds of people by violating a Covid lock-down
Said his office doesn’t engage in immigration enforcement, a federal role.
Apparently a generally sane person, Chronister also differed with Trump on a key personnel issue, implying that presidents ought to take nominations seriously: “[A]s the gravity of this very important responsibility set in, I’ve concluded that I must respectfully withdraw from consideration.”
E. Coli Case Closes with None of These Clowns in Jail
The federal government yesterday ended its investigation into the spree attack that killed one person and sent 34 to the hospital. Because no one else seems to be in danger, they’re calling this a win and all the corporate criminals executives who poisoned 104 people can call it a day and go shopping with their holiday bonuses.
The attack began last fall, when two gangs used potentially deadly weapons — E. coli cells — placed strategically atop McDonald’s™ “beef” patties to extract money from their victims. One gang supplied the weapons (slivered onions), while the other distributed them and got the money from their unwitting victims.
The onions were linked to an October E. coli outbreak that has now ended. The “beef” patties are still linked to the death of the human biosphere, which is accelerating. Here’s a map of the crime scene:
Observant Newsfuckers — but I repeat myself — may have noticed that there apparently are people who eat McDonald’s in Montana, home of actual beef cattle.
Anyway, typically in cases where individuals place toxic substances on food and then sell it to people — making 104 people sick and sending 34 of them to hospitals from which only 33 emerge — individuals get handcuffs and a court date. But the people behind this attack were savvy enough to create a corporation first. So.
And executives at the gangs celebrated their exoneration by government officials yesterday. In a statement, they said the mission now is to spend tens of millions of dollars to prevent this from ever happening again resume getting as much of people’s money as possible.
“[W]e must remain laser focused on regaining our customers’ hard-earned [dollars] trust and reigniting their [ovine habituation] brand affinity,” said McDonald’s™ Chief Impact Officer Michael Gonda, who definitely had an impact, and McDonald’s™ Chief Supply Chain Officer Cesar Piña, who definitely supplied onions. Neither man was charged, along with the everybody else.
Campaign Watch
HOUSE Rep. John Duarte (R-CA) just lost his seat. Democrat Adam Gray was declared the winner in their race yesterday after the last votes were counted. It was the last House race to be decided.
Gray’s victory flips the seat from red to blue. It also means that — once Donald Trump’s appointees from the ranks of House Republicans are gone — the margin of Republican control will be as narrow as it can be: 217 to 215.
Just one (1) Republican can kill any bill simply by siding with Democrats. So-called moderates could do it. So could the frothing far-right.
And if two (2) Republicans play hooky to pursue their Matt Gaetzian hobbies, that’s also a tie, meaning GOP bills will fail.
This will be the dynamic for the early days of the next Congress — until Trump’s appointees are replaced. Those early days are also the exact same time Trump wants to shove the majority of his massive, America-fucking agenda through Congress so he can spend the remaining 207 weeks of his presidency playing golf and eating E. coli-free McDonald’s™.
TCB
PICS! Confession: TFN is absolutely beside itself with glee seeing orders coming in from the ridiculously overpriced TFN Shop. So, as your orders start to show up, a quick request: Let’s see you stylish Newsfuckers rocking or fucking — wait, no, definitely not fucking, just rocking, JUST ROCKING — your swanky new TFN swag. Send pics!
And you’ve still got ten days to use the exclusive TFN discount code to get 10% off. It’s FINGNEWS10. Here’s a look at the mug, but don’t forget that most of this crap artisanal craftwork is printed on multiple sides so be sure to check out all the pics to get the full, uh, picture. To wit:
SOCIAL-ISM We’re on at least 78% of all the social medias! Namely, Bluesky, Threads, Instagram, Facebook, Mastodon, and Spoutible.
Go get ‘em, kids.
I originally had a joke here about dog-shooting because I brain-farted and attributed the Gov. Kristi Noem (R-SD) incident to Ernst. TFN regrets the error but may screw up again.
This article is gold, Jonathon. It had me laughing first thing in the morning. A good start to my day, so thank you. Your humorous delivery of shitshow events is 🤌
Starting my day with some lite F*ckng News