Trump to End War and Disease, Fulfill Bible Prophecy (...about The Antichrist)

Let's make sure everyone remembers exactly how crazy Trump's promises were...

You can support this work with a donation or paid subscription. Thank you.

---

RePresident Donald Trump stands normally like a normal person during his inauguration speech as former Pres. Joe Biden contemplates the sweet embrace of death. (Screengrab / ABC video.)

Hey, check it out: We’re still here, Newsfuckers! And already we’re almost through Day One, with only 1,460 days to go!

Tempting as it may be to poo-poo today’s promises from RePresident Donald Trump during his inauguration speech, it seems worth highlighting them, so that everyone’s expectations are raised appropriately. Or inappropriately, depending on your tether to reality.

In his second attempt at an inaugural address, Trump actually said the following things out loud without a hint of laughter or fart noises from the teeny tiny crowd:

“We will end the chronic disease epidemic.” He literally promised to end chronic disease.

“We will … keep our children safe, healthy and disease-free.” That’s right. During the second Trump administration, no child will die of violence or natural causes. Just vaccines. By the time Trump is done presidenting, not a single child in America will have even one disease.

“My proudest legacy will be that of a peacemaker … and we’re taking [the Panama Canal] back.” What kind of peacemaker takes territory without force? (Spoiler: The Antichrist!)

“Our power will stop all wars.” That’s all wars. All the wars. Technically, Trump promised that there will never again be another war ever anywhere, but let’s cut the new president some slack and interpret that as merely a promise that American power will end current wars. So mark your calendars for Jan. 20, 2029, when we’ll see whether any of the following wars are still being warred:

• Israel-Gaza (2023)

• Israel-Lebanon (2023)

• Sudanese civil war (2023)

• Russia-Ukraine (2022)

• Haiti-gangs (2020)

• Colombian Catatumbo campaign (2018)

• Afghanistan-Pakistan (2017)

• Ambazonian War (2017)

• Yemen civil war (2014)

• Somalia civil war (2009)

• Nigeria-insurgents (1998)

• America-pretty much everybody (1776)

And, credit where it’s due, Russian President Vladimir Putin said afterward that it’s time to talk. Talking is a good thing. (Of course, it may turn out that what they talk about is how much of Ukraine Trump will let Putin take, making Trump look like a weak little Democrat of the wrong gender out of the two that there now are.)

“Never again will the great power of the state be used to persecute political opponents,” Trump said. It wasn’t clear whether that means a pardon for former Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ), or whether it just applies to Republicans. (Trump reportedly is planning pardons for the non-violent members of the army he mobilized to attack the country in 2021.)

“We will tariff and tax other countries,” said the new president, despite this not being a thing. As Trump said, he has learned a lot in the eight years since he first tried presidenting, and education is a lifelong journey. There’s still almost four years to learn that countries generally do not tax other countries due to the logistical and administrative challenges of being not that other country.

In fact, the last time another country tried to tax the U.S., we were part of that country and then left. The person trying to tax us was the bad guy. Still, you can see the economic appeal to a political novice of being able to levy taxes on countries that are not yours, in short, taxing them without representation.

“Today I will also declare a national energy emergency,” Trump said about gas prices, which have now fallen to crisis levels of about $3.12/gallon, or about 15 cents higher than the peak under Trump last time around.

“It will henceforth be the official policy of the United States government that there are only two genders: male and female,” Trump said. And that’s gonna bite Republicans in someone’s disturbingly shapely ass.

Because, as TFN has noted, this kind of rigid taxonomy and gender/genitalia-policing will force schools and government facilities and institutions to make essentially arbitrary choices that TFN guarantees you sane people but also even MAGA will not like.

People who look like this person, Rep. Sarah McBride (D-VA), will be using men’s rooms. And forced to call themselves Sarah McGroom.¹

Meanwhile, Men’s Health cover-model contestant Aydian Dowling, seen below, will be getting arrested every time he goes into the women’s room to make poopy — or pee-pee in one of the new urinals — like Trump just told him to:

Trump wasn’t just about setting impossibly high bars for himself that the media will forget about instantly. He also instantly crossed the hilariously low bars he set for himself.

He said, for instance, that thanks to his awesomeness, America will be the world’s richest country and have the strongest military. Those things both happened at 12:01pm eastern time because they had conveniently been also true at 11:59am eastern time, also known as The Dark Times.

In fact, Trump’s generosity in low-bar-setting extended to America’s past, as well. “Americans,” he bragged, “ended slavery.”

It’s true, kids. Look it up.²

Let’s note as well, for the MAGA and corporate-media crowds, what Trump did not say he would end.

“For many years, a radical and corrupt establishment has extracted power and wealth from our citizens,” Trump said without saying he would change that. The way he said it, I expected him to add, “…and I’ve asked them to join me here on the podium.”

And there they were! The richest person in the world was there, Elon Musk. Other billionaires were there, too. Billionaire Jeff Bezos showed up with fiancée Lauren Sanchez, who was the subject of billionaire Mark Zuckerberg’s return to Facebook’s roots as a venue for checking out chicks.

Even non-famous radical and corrupt establishment billionaires who extract power and wealth from our citizens were there.

Here’s casino-magnate/widow Miriam Adelson (whose husband figures into the global theocracy reporting I’ve done), in the pink glasses behind and/or eating former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and in front of Alexandre Arnault and his father Bernard, the $200-billion billionaire who’s one of the few remaining billionaires who actually makes shit, although it’s luxury LVMH shit so it barely counts as useful actual shit.

From left to right: Alexandre Arnault, best known for his portrayal of Cousin Greg on “Succession,” billionaire Miriam Adelson, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton attending yet another inauguration of not her, and billionaire Bernard Arnault. (Screengrab / Twitter.)

With all those tech geniuses on stage supporting Trump’s inauguration, he announced with brio and confidence, “The Golden Age of America begins right now,” immediately after which the audio system crapped out and Carrie Underwood had to sing “America the Beautiful” the same way anyone counting on Trump’s Federal Emergency Management System for help in the coming disasters will have to do things: Without backup power.

Now, although I tremble to do this, let’s get to the fun part. The danger in the news we’re about to fuck is that tens of millions of people take this shit seriously.

Editor’s Note: Do not take this shit seriously.

Trump’s speech struck pretty much all the right notes for fulfilling Biblical prophecies about…the Antichrist.

Now, it’s not even clear that there is a The Antichrist in The Bible, rather than just hypothetical people who are basically just, well, uncool. And we’re talking less about concrete Biblical Antichrist prophecies than about after-the-fact interpretations. But, still, these interpretations have captured the modern evangelical mind as the hallmarks of The Antichrist.³

The big one, of course, is uniting the world. Peacefully. Through his silver tongue.

That’s basically what Trump promised. Ending all wars, remember?

Then there’s the whole thing about claiming to be The Messiah and being seen as The Messiah.

As Trump said, “[M]y life was saved for a reason. I was saved by God to make America great again.”

There was no explanation of why Corey Comperatore wasn’t saved.

But at least he won’t be disappointed.

---

1. Am I the only one who noticed that credibly accused sexual abuser Justice Brett Kavanaugh deadnamed Vice President JD Vance, referring to him by his pre-transition name of James David?

2. It’s worth more than a footnote to point out that America did not end slavery and in many states the government forces incarcerated people to do labor.

3. I forgot to add, due to my ambivalence about reinforcing widespread belief in magical dualism, that Trump did not place his hand on a Bible when he took his oath. It’s not required. And other presidents haven’t, either, and now they’re in Hell.