Even GOPers Tell Garland: Get Musk
High-profile Republicans cite wealth of evidence of wealthy man's criminal vote-buying
Oct. 22: High-profile Republicans urge Musk investigation … Report ties Russia to deepfake attack on Walz … Judge protects Michigan vote from GOP suit … Did Politico just pick up reporting YOU made possible? It did, Newsfucker, it did …
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A group of 11 formerly high-ranking Republicans — including a Watergate lawyer — in a letter to Attorney General Merrick Garland yesterday politely laid out the case for perhaps considering getting off his fucking ass.
The letter, obtained by the Washington Post, makes the case that serial recidivist CEO Elon Musk is violating federal and some state laws by offering cash prizes, including a $1 million daily lottery, to registered voters for signing a petition supporting the First and Second amendments.
Recidivist Newsfuckers may recall this very argument being shrieked advanced in yesterday’s The Fucking News, after Musk not only confessed to it but did it on streaming video Saturday in Harrisburg, PA.
Giving money to registered voters is illegal. It’s even more illegal than giving voters bottles of water so they don’t faint on long lines created to disincentivize voting.
You may also recall Gov. Josh Shapiro (D-PA) the day after Musk’s video confession politely suggesting that cops someone arrest investigate take a look at Musk’s crimes deeds. As far as I’ve seen, though, Shapiro may be just about the only Democrat calling for enforcing the law.
Yesterday’s letter is addressed not just to Garland but to Attorney General Michelle Henry (D-PA) and Pennsylvania’s district attorneys. The 11 Republican signatories now pressing Garland include:
Former counsel to the Watergate prosecutor Phillip Lacovara,
Former George W. Bush chief ethics lawyer and frequently quoted lack-of-GOP-ethics guy Richard Painter
Former Federal Election Commission Chair Trevor Potter
Former Vice Pres. Mike Pence special advisor and now prominent Never Trumper Olivia Troye
Former Gov. William Weld (R-MA), a former assistant U.S. attorney general
Former Gov. Christine Todd Whitman (R-NJ), and
Some boring people1
Here’s some of the part where they politely ask Garland and the Pennsylvania prosecutors To. Do. Their. Job:
“We write to you today to request that you review payments that are being made by the Elon Musk-founded America PAC to voters in Pennsylvania and other states that experts say raise serious questions under applicable law…
“We are aware of nothing like this in modern political history.”
And that’s saying something. I mean, have you seen modern political history?
They also point out a point that TFN didn’t point out yesterday, to TFN’s chagrin. Namely: the petition signatories aren’t listed on Musk’s website. Which means there’s no public evidence of this supposed support! So what’s the point of collecting signatures…along with registered voter info? That’s the point that TFN did point out: That this petition is transparently disingenuous harvesting of voter info.
Is it petty to go after Musk for something as goofy as a dumbass petition lottery? Newsfucker, it is.
But also, TFN is told by both parties that the law is the law. And you go after criminals with the prosecutions you can make, as Al Capone and Donald Trump can attest.
But here’s the part where I part ways with the letter from those Republicans:
“Law enforcement agencies are appropriately reluctant to take action shortly before elections that could affect how people vote. But serious questions arising under laws that directly regulate the voting process must be an exception.”
No.
No.
I’m not a prosecutor, a lawyer, or a scholar of anything relevant. And even I know this is dumb and wrong and dumb.
Law enforcement agencies should not be reluctant to take actions that could affect voting. For several reasons that are smart and good and smart.
The justice system is supposed to be blind to politics, especially to the pull of partisan elections. That means cops and prosecutors should act as if there is no campaign, no election. Period, ever.
That’s the definition of not politicizing the Justice Department. But, no, attorneys general from James Comey on down — as if you could get much further down — have treated the appearance of politicization as more important to avoid, and in doing so have effectively politicized/shat on the Justice Department.
And once you enshrine “reluctance” and “taking action” and “shortly” as metrics — obviously subjective ones — for prosecuting, your wickets get extraordinarily sticky. Which actions? How shortly? Who decides?
The answers matter because you’ve now created a permission structure. The DOJ has literally told politicians it’s okay to crime in the election run-ups. They’ve also told criminals to get their asses on some ballots.
It’s The Purge, but for democracy.
More than anything, this mentality — that enforcing the law should be suspended if it might matter to voters — got us where we are. It’s the beating heart of the flaming poop the Supreme Court beshat upon us with its ruling of presidential immunity.
Enforcing the law right before an election protects our elections by ensuring every candidate and operative and nihilist consultant/mercenary thinks twice before pulling their “hilarious” democracy-fucking, like distributing flyers telling voters the date or the polling site has been changed. This happens all the time, thanks in part to prosecutors who are “appropriately [sic] reluctant.”
Democrats have to reject this thinking [sic]. And Democrats should be the ones politely writing to shrieking at Garland To. Do. His. Job.
World Walz 3!
The Russians are coming…for Gov. Tim Walz (D-MN).
Did you see that story bullshit — which was organically making the rounds actively spread by Republican leaders — about Walz molesting a student? Cyberbullshit specialists tell Wired Magazine it likely originated with Storm-1516, a disinfo network tied to Russia that’s pushed what Wired calls “Kremlin talking points.” (h/t)
A video posted last week by a now-defunct account features what Wired says is an AI-generated not-person alleging that he was sexually abused by Walz, a real person, when the not-person played not-football for real-Walz.
And this wasn’t the first entry in the Tim-Walz-Timmed-My-Balz genre of fiction. A former Florida cop who now lives in literal actual Russia interviewed an alleged former foreign-exchange student about the definitely real time that Walz assaulted him when he was definitely a student at Mankato West High School fur realz.
These claims, of course, have been elevated by the same bullshit-elevation ecosystem that feeds bullshit to right-wing media, striving to hit that Fox-level brass ring of exposure. The Walz stuff was boosted by a leader of the Donald Trump campaign and Sen. JD Vance (R-OH) has circulated other Storm-1516 lies.
So what does all of this tell us? Well, it’s lies, so not much! Two points, though.
This isn’t a Russia problem. South African native Elon Musk is one of the chief spreaders of bullshit, both because he’s dedicated Twitter as a safe space for bullshit, but also because he literally does it himself.
Musk wasn’t just vote-criming on Saturday. He was also lying, spreading the made-up lie that Michigan’s voter rolls are packed with more voters than the state has residents. These lies can be almost as harmful as other Musk lies, like that cars can drive themselves. (Obligatory link to Tesla death tracker.)
In the case of voting, Musk’s lies have spurred calls for purging voter rolls — a process ostensibly intended to clean out no-longer-eligible voters because, for instance, they’ve moved to another state, such as Heaven. In reality, ineligible voters who are still on voter rolls only cast illegal votes with infinitesimal frequency.
The real impact of these purges is to eliminate legitimate voters who haven’t jumped through bureaucratic hoops to prove they’re legit. (Lest we think this is a new problem, let us never forget that the strategy of voter-fraud fear-mongering to justify vote-suppression purges got a much more systemic trial run under Pres. George W. Bush.)
Anyway, just this morning Musk posted new bullshit that’s already getting bullshit-checked. Of course, thanks to Musk’s massive ovine following, his sheepshit was seen by five million “people” this morning, while the check was only seen by 27,000.
But this also isn’t a South Africa problem or even a Musk problem. Hell, good, old-fashioned Merkan propaganda has been flooding other countries for decades with obviously false shit like how awesome privatization is.
This is a brain problem. We — Homo sapiens — need to ratchet down our certainty. We need to understand we’re not good at assessing the truthfulness of the shit we’re fed. We need to learn how to research better but also when not to research and how to identify authoritative sources that we can turn to for reality checks. Y’know, like TFN!
Michigan Voting Win
Speaking of the Michigan voting Elon Musk wants to have less of, a judge yesterday ensured there’ll be more of it.
Judge Sima Patel [insert racist Donald Trump remark about judge’s name and/or penis size here] yesterday ruled against Republican Party efforts to block some voters from registering as Michigan residents. The GOP had what sounds like a valid argument: The voters have never lived in Michigan!
And that should obviously be a drop-dead, no-questions-asked reason these voters shouldn’t be considered Michigan residents, let alone cast votes in this crucially important swing state, right?
Well, never let the fallacy of failing to imagine an explanation lead us to conclude there is none! (See above: Problem, brain.)
So how could this possibly make sense?
Suppose you’re the spouse or child of a U.S. military member stationed overseas. You definitely don’t live in [insert Red State] anymore. But your active-duty family member is a Michigander, still has a home there, and that’s where you’ll be living when their tour is over.
In that case, registering as a Michigan resident and voter is allowed and legal for Americans who don’t otherwise have a home in America! Just ask Judge Sima Patel.
Crime Watch
***BREAKING ELECTION-FUCKING NEWS*** Orbiting spy satellites have identified a Democratic official willing to uphold the law even if it means prosecuting Republicans in the same year when someone is up for election and/or thinking about it.
Republican Cochise County, AZ, Supervisor Peggy Judd refused to certify the 2022 election results because they hurt her feelings. So Arizona Attorney General Kris Mayes prosecuted Judd’s democracy-hating ass even though Judd’s a Republican and therefore immune from prosecution.
As Judd told ABCNews, "Had there been a Republican attorney general they would have never brought the charges against us." This is true. It just doesn’t mean what Judd thinks it means.
And lots of Democrats also wouldn’t have brought charges. But Mayes did! So, yesterday, Judd pleaded guilty to a reduced charge. And she told ABCNews that the conditions of her plea include that she has to certify this year’s election results.
In a statement suitable for framing and bracingly free of shame or reluctance, Mayes said:
“Any attempt to interfere with elections in Arizona will not be tolerated. My office will continue to pursue justice and ensure that anyone who undermines our electoral system is held accountable… I will not hesitate to use every tool available to uphold the rule of law and protect the integrity of Arizona's elections."
Mayes then soared into the sky, captured Lex Luthor, and with her bare hands returned Earth to its proper orbit.
Update/Correction
Remember yesterday when I self-pitied all over everybody and said no one cares about the fact that American politicians are bailing on Uganda after I drew attention to them supporting Uganda after the country hired Jesus to execute gay people?
Well, I was wrong. Because after I reported that Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) was no longer in touch with his old (almost as old as him!) Uganda buddies, Politico included my reporting in yesterday’s Politico Playbook.
So now all the Washington insiders have seen it. All of them. Which means a ton more Washington insiders understand now that the Christian backers of Uganda’s prayer breakfast network — which birthed this horrific “Kill the Gays” law — will Christian back down when someone shines a light on them.
Which is what you made possible by supporting this reporting. We’ll never know how many other dictators will now realize just how fragile U.S. Christian support is in the face of one humble occasionally humble journalist and the army of Newsfuckers at his back. But we know Uganda knows. And you can bet they’re rethinking things now.
Because of you.
You better believe I’m working on more reporting, and you can help me continue to get results holding the powerful accountable with a one-time donation or by becoming a paid subscriber:
TCB
I swear that at least occasionally I’m checking all the social medias — Threads, Bluesky, Instagram, Facebook, Mastodon, Spoutible, and even Twitter — so please come say hi if you’re on any of those!
Check out LOLGOP’s Substack for what you can do in the last two weeks before the election and read BoltsMag.org for good reporting on lower-profile races.
The best thing to do, though, is to keep calm and carry on.
Go get ‘em, kids!
I’m sure they’re all quite impressive.
"This is a brain problem. We — Homo sapiens — need to ratchet down our certainty. We need to understand we’re not good at assessing the truthfulness of the shit we’re fed."
This is truth. A truthful statement of an eternal and largely unsolvable problem. But we must keep trying. Nice article. thanks
The only news I be needin.