March 8, 2024 - Biden Cracks Laken Riley Case

… Biden convicts defendant … anti-immigration bill … Gaza rhetoric, deaths … BDSM parties …

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Biden Says Laken Riley ‘s Name…Almost

Forget the other headlines about Pres. Joe Biden’s possibly last State of the Union speech. (Calm down, I just mean he might lose!)

The real headline last night was that Biden wasn’t the incoherent cognitive mess you were expecting if you watch Fox. Or TV.

Biden only had a few verbal stumbles and zero night-defining gaffes. He even, as he hoped, got in some zingers at Republicans, getting them to vox populi against more tax cuts for the rich.

Republican leadership hadn’t wanted its members to take Biden’s bait. But that would involve self-restraint, which would infringe on God- or at least Creator-given liberties.

So, instead, just a day after Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) begged Republicans to act like grownups last night, there was Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA), not.

First, she opted to wear a MAGA hat to the State of the Union, because it screams “class.” You can see Biden’s reaction, walking into the chamber, when he spotted the cap, here.

Then Greene told him to say Laken Riley’s name. She yelled her playlist request again during the speech and Biden gave it his best shot, saying something like… Laynken Riley? She’s the 22-year-old nursing student who was killed last month in Georgia. An undocumented immigrant has been charged with her murder, and last night, on live television, Biden Perry Masoned the shit out of the defendant, convicting him without even needing some bullshit “trial”…

Biden Cracks Georgia Murder Case

Pres. Joe Biden last night saved Georgia the cost of a trial, sparing 12 innocent people the annoyance of jury duty, by announcing that the accused killer of Laken Riley did it. Not allegedly did it. Not is accused of doing it. Instead, Biden on the spot invented the reverse-presidential-pardon, announcing that Riley was:

“…an innocent young woman who was killed by an illegal. That’s right.”

We’ll get to the whole due-process, presumption-of-innocence thing, but last night Rep. Delia Ramirez (D-IL) called out Biden for reducing the accused killer to a dehumanizing adjective. 

“It was really unfortunate,” Ramirez said about Biden’s response to Greene. “He got flustered, yes. but those words should never come out of a president.”

Also, technically, we don’t know yet whether Riley was killed by an illegal or a legal. (Presumably everybody would be cool with it if Riley’s killer had his papers in order when he beat her to death.)

But here’s the thing, we don’t know yet whether Jose Ibarra is guilty because not only has there been no trial yet, we haven’t even heard his side of this from whatever lawyer an undocumented Venezuelan can afford.

What do we know? Police initially took others into custody, but let them go. We don’t know why. Police say they have video. Of something. A neighbor reportedly says their surveillance camera caught Ibarra disposing of bloody clothes and evidence. But hasn’t said how they know it was Riley’s clothes or that any of it was evidence.

Police said Ibarra didn’t know Riley, but that he woke up that day with bad motivations, which is not a thing that we can know. 

You may have seen that Ibarra has a criminal record. You probably didn’t see that it was for letting his wife’s son ride on the back of his moped without a helmet or safety belt. 

Am I making a case for Ibarra’s innocence? Newsfuckers, I am not. I am just pointing out there is reason to belay judgment, especially in a country where that’s what we do because due process isn’t just process, it’s fucking DUE.

House Passes Anti-Due Process Bill

To honor Laken Riley, the House just hours before the State of the Union speech passed a bill to end due process for undocumented migrants charged with some felonies.

The bill would bar judges from granting bail to undocumented migrants — or you if you don’t have your passport on you — in the case of arrest for theft or burglary. 

“Republicans will not stand for the release of dangerous criminals into our communities,” Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) said earlier this week, totally ignoring the fact that the bill doesn’t do shit to dangerous criminals, it denies due process to presumed-innocent people.

The bill is a perfect example of why we needed and desperately need again the tiresome hectoring of pointy-headed legal and moral intellectual scolds. There were reasons presidents and media didn’t refer to defendants as killers. There were reasons we didn’t enact legislation based on aberrational crimes. And those reasons were tedious civil-rights nerds.

This is UGA’s first homicide in 30 years! And undocumented immigrants commit crimes at a lower rate than red-blooded, blood-spilling American citizens do!

But Americans see immigration as our biggest problem because (a) they’ve been fed lies about immigrants and (b) a lot of people don’t connect real problems with government, so they don’t identify those problems as government problems.

So instead they identify as their biggest problem the people who are more law-abiding than Americans, and helped save the American economy by supplying cheap labor exactly when we needed it.

And with all the rage at Biden and the border, are any of these safety-first, liberty-second Republicans coming after DoorDash or UberEats, which illegally employed Riley’s alleged killer, thus giving him incentive to come and stay here? Nope. They’re pre-convicting him and taking out their rage on future defendants.

These are all the ingredients for the reactionary legislation that tedious civil-rights nerds once guarded against.

Does Congress know there was also a suicide by a young person on the same UGA campus in the same 24-hour period? No bills coming out of that because addressing mental health just doesn’t have the same adrenaline kick as going after people with brown faces. Even though suicide kills more people than immigrants do.

Some members held up signs urging a cease-fire in Gaza at last night’s State of the Union speech

Biden Unleashes Toughest Meaningless Gaza Rhetoric Yet

Pres. Joe Biden sharpened his toothless rhetoric about Gaza in last night’s State of the Union speech, without sharpening his rhetoric about Israel. Biden continues to send Israel military supplies in violation of laws against doing that without ensuring they won’t be used to kill civilians — but no one’s calling him an illegal.

In his speech, Biden discussed new measures to help Gaza, which are set to arrive way too late to matter for the 20 people who’ve died of starvation or hydration at two northern Gaza hospitals. At one Rafah hospital, 16 prematurely born infants died of causes related to malnutrition, which never would’ve happened if they were precious embryos living their best lives in an Alabama clinic’s freezer.

“Israel must also do its part,” said Biden, before clarifying that its part didn’t include non-bombing: “Israel must allow more aid into Gaza. To the leadership of Israel, I say this: humanitarian assistance cannot be a secondary consideration or a bargaining chip. Protecting and saving innocent lives has to be a priority."

True Britt

The Republican Party last night chose to have its State of the Union response given by a woman, because they’re woke. But because they’re woke Republicans, they had the woman deliver it up piping hot, fresh from her kitchen.

That’s right, Sen. Katie Britt (R-AL) gave the GOP’s State of the Union response from her kitchen. The setting helped evoke a tradwife image of a mom who just loves home cooking, including serving up frozen embryos, which she said are now okay to murder even though they’re sweet, innocent babies.

The New York Times gave an uncharacteristically pointed assessment of Britt’s remarks:

And they put together a highlight reel to demonstrate Britt’s odd speaking style. Never mind the radical agenda.

Last-Minute Spending Bill to Prevent Government Shutdown, BDSM Parties

The Senate today is expected to vote on a last-minute spending bill to head off another (yawn) looming government shutdown but also, ooh!, actually authorize new spending, and not just a stopgap.

Gone from the bill, however, is a one-million-dollar earmark for Philadelphia’s William Way LGBTQ Community Center. How come? Because the offices of Sen. Bob Casey (D-PA) and Jon Fetterman (D-PA) pulled the earmark from the bill.

Casey said he pulled out…uh…withdrew?...from the bill due to “new information,” without explaining what the hell he was talking about. Reportedly, though, Casey learned from “a conservative organization” that the community center holds a monthly “kink/BDSM” party called “The Aviary.”¹

Which (a) shouldn’t be “new information” for Casey because it was already “new information” in the papers when House Republicans did this exact same thing for the exact same reason last year but also (b) why is Casey trusting “a conservative organization,” in this case Libs of TikTok, which went on a crusade against the funding?

The funding is a regular target for Republicans, who may be upset that the BDSM parties are only held monthly, given that they enjoy an open BDSM relationship every single day with D4FRFP² Donald Trump.

For his part, Fetterman blamed his staff for pulling the funding — a no-no in my mind; the buck stops here and so should the lack of buck. But to his credit Fetterman said it was a big mistake, he was gonna fix it, and gave Casey a stinging but loving slap, telling The Hill: “I’m new here, but I wasn’t aware that Democratic values and priorities are dictated by Libs of TikTok.” Well, now ya know.

Fetterman actually fought for the center’s funding last year. And says he’ll get the funding back next year. Because an earmark isn’t just the bruised crescent left by a just-painful-enough bite.

U.S. Marines in Okinawa Under Siege…by Jesus

Well, someone done gone went and fucked with the Military Religious Freedom Foundation (MRFF). As they say in the Marines, MRFFuck around and MRFFind out.

In this case, the camp store at Camp Foster in Okinawa, Japan, is selling coins with the trademarked Marine Corps eagle, globe, and anchor emblem on one side. And on the other side? A literal crusader! Y’know, a Christian slayer of Muslims!

The coin also reads “Ephesians 6:13-17” — Bible verses which literally call on, uh, coin-holders I guess, to wage war on Satan…or anyone the coin-holder in question finds evil. The verses’ language leaves a lot to interpretation: “Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground… take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.”

Ephesians also recommends standing firm “with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place.” (Belt of truth and breastplate of righteousness sold separately.) Here’s the coin:

So, guess who’s not thrilled about the Marine emblem serving as the ass-covering of a Muslim-slaying crusader? 

Muslim Marines!

Twenty-five Marines complained about having this Marine-endorsed Christian-war-mongering shit shoved in their faces while they’re shopping at the only store on base where they can buy their appropriately secular war uniforms. Four of them were Muslims.

If they really wanted to piss off Muslims, the company should’ve just sold them its other “patriotic” shit. Like this T-, I mean ✞-shirt:

But it’s not just Muslim Marines under fire here. Two more Marines were Jewish, and three others don’t do that whole God thing.

Which, If I’ve got my MRFFMath right, means 16 of the Marines pissed off about this shit were Christians. So they did what you do when you’re overwhelmed by enemy forces. They called in air support from the MRFF. 

The MRFF is now demanding a full retreat by everyone involved in this full-on assault on the First Amendment — and demanding that the Marines pull their licensing for this shit, which is flagrantly outside the licensing guidelines.

FLASHBACK Mikey Weinstein, veteran of the Air Force and Reagan White House, started the MRFF to protect vets and active-duty service members from this kind of unconstitutional proselytization. I spoke with him recently about the vile and violent antisemitism he and his family have endured for two decades as a result. Overwhelmingly from Christians.

Quickies Cuz I’m Running Late This Morning

• The House Energy and Commerce Committee yesterday sent to the full House a bill that would force TikTok either to split off from its Chinese ownership interests or face a full-on ban in the U.S. over its alleged disinformation and tracking of potentially everyone. The bill has support from some Democrats and the White House, which last night invited top TikTokkers to a State of the Union watch party. Because fuck cognitive dissonance.

• TikTok yesterday sent to the House of Representatives a massive virtual mob of angry TikTok users. TikTok sent an alert to users — but only those who live in districts represented by members of the House Energy and Commerce Committee! — telling them to call their representative…on the House Energy and Commerce Committee…and tell them to vote against the anti-TikTok bill. Welcome to the future of politics, where the means of communication have been democratized for exploitation by the oligarchs who own the means of communication.

TCB

WELCOME, WONKETTERS! We got a batch of new subscribers since Wonkette’s Rebecca Schoenkopf (or is that Rebecca Schoenkopf’s Wonkette?) pointed them to our writeup on the congressional departure of Rep. Katie Porter (D-CA), who will leave after the end of her term, following her failure to qualify for the November runoff to replace Sen. Dianne Feinsten (D-CA).

Wonkette is pretty much the sine qua non of news snarkification. It’s lovely to have our new Wonkette readers and welcome you to the fold as newly minted Newsfuckers.

NICOLE SANDLER Join me Monday night, when I’ll be doing my weekly segment with Nicole Sandler on, shockingly, the Nicole Sandler Show!

SPOILER ALERT Before I got laid off and fled to substack, I had a trip planned next week. So I’ll be gone from Thursday the 14th through the 22nd. But, because I love you and I feel relentless guilt about guilting you into becoming paid subscribers, I am working my ass off (just kidding, it’s still there; oh how it’s still there) to prep some evergreen big-brain pseudo-intellectual punditry from me on Big Things. So if you’re inclined to pass on my bloviation, I don’t blame you, just know that you can skip ‘em til your TFN Classic™ returns on March 22.

SPOILER ALERT TWO Am I working on another story for soon after I return? Cherished Newsfucker, I am. But I can only sustain my original reporting with your guilt-induced support! Cue waves of guilty self-loathing…

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Have a great weekend, and go get ‘em, kids…!

1. Go ahead and click; I can see how many people click on a link, but not which people. No kink-shaming here! Or kink-funding, sadly…

2. D4FRFP = Disgraced, quadicted, fraudster, rapist, former President.