Trump Abandons Cats to Haitian Foodies

Trump's top immigration appointee is backpedaling on everything MAGA voted for

Nov. 11: Trump names immigration czar … GOP to pass on whole nominee-confirmation thing … Ukraine war escalates immediately after Trump tells Putin not to … Dem senator boards the Bernie train vs. DNC …

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Former Pres. Donald Trump during the Sept. 10, 2024, presidential debate suggested that he gave a shit about fictional pet-cannibalism in Springfield, OH. (Screengrab / ABC video.)

President-elect Donald Trump will not use the U.S. military to liberate Springfield, OH, and other cities from the Haitian hordes who are eating the cats and eating the dogs, according to his first immigration appointee.

In the last few months of the campaign, Trump and Sen. JD Vance (R-OH) vowed to free Springfield and other American cities taken over by millions of vicious criminals who overran the country, wantonly buoying the American economy and lowering crime rates.

But yesterday, Trump said that the man leading the effort will be Tom Homan, his former acting head of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). Homan will oversee border security and deportations of everyone who can’t prove they’re not a citizen including you if Homan thinks that smudge on your passport looks suspicious.

Just hours before, however, Homan dramatically betrayed MAGA voters who thought they would get a mass deportation of 10 million immigrants on day one of the Trump administration. Instead, Homan attacked right-wing media and promised to coddle the vicious, terrorist animals that are eating other animals in the American cities they now run.

Back in September, Trump vowed to end the fictional dog-and-cat eating in Springfield, where more than 15,000 Haitian immigrants are estimated to have come, almost entirely legally. As the Jonathan Larsen Substack reported at the time, the city has been investigating whether local businesses secretly conspired to bring the Haitians there to fill vacant jobs.

As the dog-and-cat-owning JL Substack revealed, Vance said even the legal immigrants were there illegally because “legal” doesn’t count under Democratic presidents. Trump has said he will reverse the legal status of Springfield’s Haitian workers, which, of course, will dramatically increase the number of undocumented immigrants.

To save Springfield from its influx of needed workers, Trump said he was considering deporting them back where they belong, in Haiti Venezuela. Which, honestly, can any of us get in on that deal?

Appearing on Fox on Sunday, Homan was asked how the Trump administration will fulfill its promise to deport 10 million undocumented immigrants immediately. Homan didn’t hesitate to walk back the campaign’s promise, saying they won’t do it all at once.

“You concentrate on the public safety threats and the national security threats first,” Homan said.

Homan was also asked whether Trump will deploy the U.S. military to help, and responded by attacking right-wing media who reported that.

“I read a media, a piece this morning, I think Daily Caller, somebody said, ‘Tom Homan says the military’s gonna go out round, rounding up and arresting illegal aliens.‘ Never said that. Never said that in my entire life ever in my career. So that was a ridiculous thing I just read in the paper this morning.”

Maybe stop reading ridiculous, um, “papers”?

In reality, Homan explained, MAGA won’t be getting the chaos and violence of violent military raids that they voted for. Homan literally said ICE will just do more of what they already do under Pres. Joe Biden, who personally invited criminal gangs to take over our cities and take their pick of American women:

“It’s gonna be a well-targeted, planned operation conducted, leaded by the men of ICE. The men and women of ICE do this daily.”

Even more astonishingly, Homan promised these vicious, criminal gangs of animals who eat animals that Trump is going to respect their rights, and that the men and women of ICE “all have Fourth Amendment training so they know what they can and cannot do legally.”

No big, indiscriminate roundups as promised, Homan said. And on top of that, under Trump, taxpayer dollars will be spent coddling the ravening monsters who’ve been here for years secretly supporting thousands of farms, landscapers, and construction companies:

“When we go out there, we’re gonna know who we’re looking for, we most likely know where they’re going to be, in this redundant¹, humane manner. I keep reading stories about, y’know, concentration camps. ICE has the highest detention standards in the industry and so these people will be well taken care of. It’ll be a humane operation.”

So if any MAGA are feeling butt-hurt by this, remember, cruelty to everyone is the point.

Republicans Lose Senate (and Dignity and Honor) … to Trump

Even before taking control of the U.S. Senate in January, Republicans are surrendering that control to President-elect Donald Trump.

Contenders to succeed Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) as the Republican Senate leader yesterday raced to promise that they more than their rivals will abdicate their duties and let Trump grab them by the Constitution.

According to the Constitution, the Senate must confirm most top presidential appointees. But on Sunday, Trump told Senate Republicans in a social media post that they can’t waste time with that “Constitution” shit and must “agree to Recess Appointments (in the Senate!), without which we will not be able to get people confirmed in a timely manner.”

In the past, courts have limited presidential power to appoint nominees while the Senate is in recess, let alone to force a recess outside the normal calendar. But Republicans yesterday vowed to violate the Constitution just as soon as they’ve sworn to uphold it in January.

The leading contenders to run the Senate are Medicare-fraud kingpin Sen. Rick Scott (R-FL), and past Trump non-worshipers Sen. John Thune (R-SD) and John Cornyn (R-TX). Yesterday, they all promised that if they’re running the Senate, they’ll let Trump run it, each of them in rapid-fire succession agreeing the Senate shouldn’t get its delicate hands dirty confirming Trump’s rich, rapey presidential nominees.

Scott was considered a long-shot in the race to replace McConnell, but also seen as Trump’s favorite. The only question now is whether Thune and Cornyn can get enough Trump-shit on their noses to win his endorsement.

ALSO AN OPEN QUESTION Is whether enough Republicans will be willing to defy Trump and vote with Democrats on…anything. Senator-elect Jim Justice (R-WV) has a habit of not showing up for class, as your attendance-taking TFN has noted. And Senator-elect John Curtis (R-UT) ran as a Trump heretic, defeating a Trump acolyte in the primary. So who knows?

Trump Just More-Fucked Up the War in Ukraine

On Thursday, President-elect Donald Trump told Russian President Vladimir Putin not to escalate the war in Ukraine.

Three days later, Putin escalated the war in Ukraine.

Which is super weird because TFN was told that Trump had a plan to end the war. Well, it turns out that Trump’s idea of a concept of a plan to end the war gave Putin every incentive to throw as much shit at Ukraine as Russia can between now and Jan. 20, 2025, when the Democratic Party willingly hands America over to a fascist.

Trump has vowed that he’ll end the Ukraine war in 24 hours. In September, he said:

“I have a very exacting plan on how to stop Ukraine and Russia … But I can’t give you those plans because if I give you those plans, I’m not going to be able to use them. They’ll be unsuccessful. Part of it’s surprise.”

Turns out, Team Trump isn’t great at planning surprises, and they’re already spilling the beans. One bean is the suggestion to get Ukraine to delay NATO membership for 20 years in return for more arms. And the one that’s really made the rounds is getting both sides to agree to basically let Russia keep what it’s captured so far, with a demilitarized zone on the front lines.

Two problems with that one. First, of course, it means Ukraine loses territory and the Ukrainians who live there are now the proud subjects of a despot. But the other problem is that now Putin has turbo-charged incentive to seize as much territory as he can between now and Inauguration Day.

And sure enough, Putin launched a “record number” of drone attacks against Ukraine overnight Saturday into Sunday. That was followed Sunday by Ukraine’s largest drone attack ever against Russia, targeting six regions, including Moscow.

Of course, that only makes Trump look dumb if someone juxtaposes these two stories that are actually the same story.

What’s that, Newsfucker? You haven’t seen the big media outlets juxtapose these stories? But you’d like to see it? Well, thanks for asking!

Trump’s plan to end the war as president is effectively incentivizing both combatants to unload everything they have beforehand.

Which will lead to more dead before Inauguration Day…which will make Trump look even better by contrast if readers see it in the fucking news instead of The Fucking News.

Democratic Senator Backs the Bernie Bombast

Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) isn’t moving on. And yesterday he picked up an important ally and cheerleader.

Sanders had a new op-ed in the Boston Globe² reiterating his argument from last week that Democrats dropped the ball by upholding the status quo. He also got a boost in a cri de coeur Twitter thread. And it wasn’t from just any senator, Sanders’s new ally represents the multi-million-dollar homes of Wall Street’s elite: Connecticut.

In his thread, Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CT) called the election a “cataclysm,” called out economic neoliberalism, and said it’s “Time to rebuild the left.” Some highlights:

We are out of touch with the crisis of meaning/purpose fueling MAGA. We refuse to pick big fights. Our tent is too small.

The left has never fully grappled with the wreckage of fifty years of neoliberalism, which has left legions of Americans adrift as local places are hollowed out, rapacious profit seeking cannibalizes the common good, and unchecked new technology separates and isolates us.

The left skips past the way people are feeling (alone, impotent, overwhelmed) and straight to uninspiring solutions (more roads! bulk drug purchasing!) that do little to actually upset the status quo of who has power and who doesn't.

And when progressives like Bernie aggressively go after the elites that hold people down, they are shunned as dangerous populists. Why? Maybe because true economic populism is bad for our high-income base. 😬

We cannot be afraid of fights - especially with the economic elites who have profited off neoliberalism. The right regularly picks fights with elites - Hollywood, higher ed, etc. Democrats (e.g. the Harris campaign) are tepid in our fights with billionaires and corporations.

You get the idea. The question is, will Democrats?

As diligent Newsfuckers may recall, when Sanders dared suggest that Democrats had abandoned the working class, Democratic National Committee Chair Jaime Harrison pounced, calling the idea “straight up BS.”

But at the risk of shocking any fragile Newsfuckers out there, it seems, weirdly enough, that Harrison had nothing to say to Murphy echoing Sanders.

Democratic Leadership Race Under Way Behind Closed Doors with Rich Donors Voting

A big part of how we got here was the Democratic National Committee (DNC) shielding Pres. Joe Biden from the, ahem, democratic forces that might have left the party in a better position on Election Day. Instead, DNC Chair Jaime Harrison helped ensure there were no primaries, no debates, no contest.

And now — even though TFN guarantees³ that you’re not seeing it on the TV news (which you’re still watching for some reason) — the race to pick Harrison’s successor is on.

TFN wrote about some of the top contenders on Saturday because newsfucking never sleeps. The pool is likely to be finalized when top rich Democrats gather at a Scottsdale, AZ, summit in mid-December.

The TFN bonus story on all of this is behind a paywall, but since paywalls suck and Newsfuckers rule, every subscriber gets this secret gift linky-link to read it. Just like Sanders would want.

Palestinians Declare Victory…in Michigan

They may be getting slaughtered in Gaza, but a lot of Palestinians are pretty happy with the battle for Michigan.

Dearborn City Council President Michael Sareini told Politico that his city’s Arab-American voters “wanted to send a message and they did.”

Dearborn is where President-elect Donald Trump did better than anywhere in the state, pulling in 42% of the voters, with Vice President Kamala Harris getting 36% and Jill Stein 18% (presumably as a protest vote, not pulling votes Harris would’ve got otherwise). Harris’s performance is a 33-point drop from Biden’s showing in 2020.

Overall in the state, Trump got 2,804,647 votes. Harris got 2,724,029. 

The difference, if one of you Newsfuckers can math-fuck my subtraction, is 80,628 votes. Given that Michigan has about a quarter-million Arab-Americans, we might be able to add the Harris-Walz campaign to the list of Gaza fatalities.

The Forbidden Strategy

On Sunday, because newsfucking never sleeps, TFN had yet another post. We didn’t email it out because frankly the thesis is pretty much verboten and we figured we’d lose a ton of subscribers who’d be pissed off at the obvious, common-senseness of it all.

Spoiler: The TFN post argues that you can fuck more flies with honey. President-elect Donald Trump is a deeply shallow man with virtually no identifiable ideological DNA. In short, he’s manipulatable manipulable. So manipulate him!

Holy Shit, TFN Almost Forgot

Friday seems so long ago, your forgetful TFN almost forgot we did a third bonus TFN story over the weekend! Because newsfucking never sleeps!

On Friday, TFN reported on some online rumors — which are entirely plausible and have mounting evidence to support them — that companies bracing for the impact of Trump tariffs are going to need a lot of money to do it. And at least one company allegedly is killing Christmas bonuses as a result.

That’s right, Trump is waging an actual War on Christmas. And it looks like he’s winning. Suck it, Santa and Jesus.

TCB

BONUS STORIES One tricky aspect of Substack is how to give as much newsfucking as possible to diehard Newsfuckers without pissing off more casual Newsfuckers with too many emails on top of the weekday-morning newsletter. So, in short, I’m thinking of creating what Substack calls a “Section” for bonus stories, which would let Newsfuckers unsubscribe just from those and still get the weekday-morning newsletter. Please LMK what you think!

RISKY TIMES These are tough times to navigate for indie outlets like TFN. It’s a time when we need to be able to discuss the broadest range of ideas about how to move forward. But tbh a single misstep, one post that pisses people off, can literally doom a struggling outlet like TFN. So far, we’ve been lucky. There’s been a lot of churn since the election, but the lost subscribers are vastly outnumbered by new Newsfuckers. Thank you! That said, TFN can only work, and continue to explore dangerous ideas⁴ with your financial support.

The alternative is to do what frankly a lot of other outlets do, not challenge themselves or their readers, and just churn out shit that panders to the same orthodoxies that got us here, rejecting the lie that we can’t champion workers and disenfranchised communities simultaneously. You can support TFN’s mission to prove that this is viable with a donation or by becoming a paid subscriber. Thank you.

NICOLE SANDERS After an Election Week break, we’ll be back with The Fucking News on Nicole Sandler’s show, The Nicole Sandler Show, tonight at 5:30pm eastern. Please join us here!

TAGGING! It occurs to me I sometimes come across folks sharing their favorite newsfucking online, without tagging me or TFN. Just a link to the newsfucking in question. So remember, if you want TFN to know about and boost you, tag us on your favorite socials: Threads, Bluesky, Instagram, Facebook, Mastodon, Spoutible, and (less and less every day) Twitter.

REMINDER It is TFN’s editorial policy that the vast majority of Americans are not evil and didn’t vote for evil. They and we need something good to be for. The only way there is not to despair.

Go get ‘em, kids.

1. No idea what he means by this.

2. No link since it’s behind a paywall and honestly didn’t really say much that’s new.

3. Not a guarantee.

4. Obscure Harlan Ellison reference! (Every Harlan Ellison reference is obscure!)